The Swagtron T3

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Swagway has a whole bunch of lawsuits it’s been facing relating to fires, falls, and patent infringement.

That the number 1 reason to buy this is “NEW! This device WON’T burn your house down (unlike our last model)” isn’t enough for me to give this to someone I love.


Huh. I could have sworn I remembered that song being a whole lot faster.


*Involuntary splutter-laugh

I once had a picnic on top of a three story house. All the other men took turns standing on this roofing board that protruded over the edge, some stood on one leg or even hopped around.

I kinda wanted one of them to fall off.


undoubtedly the best use of a hoverboard is to hitch it to a lawn chair:


The only conceivable thing dorkier than this product is its name.


I watched the guy ride the wheels on top of the building in Dubai.

Those muscles down there. Yes, you know the ones I mean: the ones you use when you see videos like that. Do they do anything else? What did they do before YouTube?


Cremaster maybe?

Or: The Cremaster Cycle (Pt3)


So, they might crack the “exploding battery” problem, but I’m skeptical that they’ll ever manage to beat the “looking like a douchebag” thing.


Fun fact, ninjas were trained from a young age to control this muscle voluntarily. By exercising it through puberty they kept the opening through which the testes descend enlargened enough to pull the testes completely back up within the body even into adult-hood, thus protecting them from crotch strikes.

(I should say “otherwise ineffective crotch strikes” as there’s plenty of central nervous system stuff to play havoc with down there as well.)


I thought those were a feature, a kind of distance asshole warning


As Soul Coughing songs with a vaguely vehicular theme go, I would’ve thought Rolling would be the better bet.

With the insistent lyrical stylings of Mike Doughty belting out at them…

I got the souped up car and what you call tripping on the boom bap etymological
I ride the fader and I ride it low
I’m gonna slip into the field like Han Solo

… your office mates will finally come to the realization that the 1990s aren’t merely back: They never actually left.


since my temp with nature I’m curiously dumb and dumber
when riding my scooter I suddenly realised I thought I had forgotten
I’d left my phone behind and did not think and did not use break
as is recommended

Swagtron T3 Cons

  • It’s called a Swagtron.

So i have to ask

what is it about riding these things that gets people classified as “douchebags” and “assholes”?


I can’t imagine any other type of person using one in an office

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That doesn’t answer my question.

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100+ years ago people were going over niagra falls in barrels and rafts but now we get the added benefit of doing it with a gopro connected to Facebook live.

Human progress.


I’d heard this, but as with all things ninja, it’s hard to tell the difference between historical fact and fantasy. I’m not so sure that it would really be possible to have inguinal canals open enough to allow safe passage of something testicle sized into the abdomen without the unfortunate side effect of more or less constant life threatening inguinal intestinal herniation and other fun and sundry medical side effects.

And on an amusing side note, yes, you can drop someone with a good solid blow to the shaft (a blow, as in a strike, though you could probably drop someone with a really good blow as well). I know this thanks to the sacrifice a friend made in a game of paintball when we were teens. I was reloading, and was about to get hit, when my friend jumped up to “draw fire”, and draw fire he did. A single well placed shot right to the old tallywhacker. Even though the testes weren’t involved, he immediately went down, and stayed down. After about 5 min, we walked him off course, and he spent the rest of the day not running about. No permanent damage luckily, but yeah, a solid whack to the whacker is not something so easily written off.

Also “Swagtron”? Really? Either I’m so old as to be completely “out of it”, or this is the most idiotic name ever.


I always associated that contraction with the pelvic floor and Kegel exercises. The twinge seems a bit far south for the Cremaster itself. But, now you have sown the seeds of doubt. Every fibre of my scientific being cries out for a controlled experiment involving watching YouTube while probing ones perineum. A proper double-blind experiment where random people probe other random people in the perineum while they watch YouTube on a headset…

You know what? I think I’ll Google it instead.