At around 20 weeks, we got the results. Our baby had an unbalanced translocation of the fifth and ninth chromosome. We spoke to another doctor, and to a geneticist. This was a bad diagnosis. It was beyond bad. I learned a new term: The defect was called “incompatible with life”.
When people talk about abortion being a choice, I need you to understand with crystal clarity exactly what our choice was: It was not whether our child would live or die- it was the choice of how much they would suffer, of how long we would drag their death out. Our daughter’s “best” possible case scenario would be to linger for several days on full life support. The broken chromosomes were ones associated with autonomic functions- Breathing. Heartbeat. Digestion. She would be unable to do these on her own once separated from the umbilical cord. That was the short, terrible, artificially sustained life she had to look forward to.
Thank you for sharing your very painful history. Pointing out the million and one things that can (and do) go wrong in pregnancy is crucial to wiping out the wing of anti-choice that got to their opinion from ignorance.
The rest of the anti-choicers probably don’t care about your loss unless you weren’t married to your partner. If that were the case, those callous individuals would take pleasure in your grief. May they rot in their imaginary hell. But you were, so may they be waterboarded as they rot in their imaginary hell.
What happened to us was a one-in-a-million situation, but what happened to each of the other couples we met in group therapy* was a different one-in-a-million situation.
Taken individually, we were each a statistical outlier, but cumulatively, when you look at just how many things can go wrong, you realize how heartbreakingly common it is to have some kind of complication- and a significant number of them are as bad as can be.
*We went to a support group for people who had suffered a pregnancy or infant loss. I can’t recommend this enough- If you’re ever unlucky enough to go through something like this, don’t do it alone. Ask for help. It’s out there.
Yes, I believe a woman should have control over her own body because things are complicated sometimes, and ultimately it is her decision, but her spouse or partner should be involved,too. I just think that in the end, the woman is the one who carries the pregnancy to term.
Yeah. We had discussed trying again, but basically the odds were 50/50 with each pregnancy.
As much as we really wanted kids… I left out the account of the suicide attempt that came as a postscript to this story. A third time I know I literally wouldn’t come back from.
twice? Once is … a lot.