Watch Fred Armisen's jokes for musicians

Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2018/09/20/watch-fred-armisens-jokes-fo.html

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Wow, those were definitely niche. (Conan: "You’re talking to three people!) As the scion of a musical family, I have jokes about drummers, if not for drummers…

What do you call a loud guy with no talent who spends a lot of time with musicians?

A drummer.

Someone who plays flute is a flautist, what’s the proper term for a drummer?

A concussionist.

(That first joke more often targets banjo players and trombonists than drummers!)

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Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba-dum tsss!

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This guy does a spot on Tito Puente.

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Some of my old favorites:

How do you get a drummer off of your porch?

Pay for the pizza!

How do you know if the stage floor is level?

Drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth!

A tuba player joke with two endings:

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead tuba player in the road?

1: There are skid marks in front of the snake!
2: The snake was on his way to a gig!

And as a bass player, I would always finish up with this:

What happened when the drummer locked his keys in the car?

It took him an hour to get the bass player out!

Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!

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This (almost exactly) literally happened to an old friend of mine.

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I’ve always wondered what kind of situation it would take for an otherwise capable individual (instrument choice notwithstanding) to get locked in a car and not be able to get out! What happened?

What do you do if a drummer shows up on your doorstep?

Pay him for the pizza.

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How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Three. One to do it, and two to sit there and say I could do that.

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They were on tour in Germany, and the van they rented had a storage compartment that could only be opened from the outside. Something like fifteen minutes before they were supposed to play, Dan (bassist) went to get something he had forgot, but didn’t say what it was. Fast forward ten minutes, and the rest of the band is pretty much ready to go, getting stage beer etc. and Dan still hasn’t returned from the van. They start to get worried, but do nothing yet because Dan is a bassist and does weird shit all the time and, well he’ll be back, right? They’re in Germany, on a dream tour!!! Five more minutes passed, and the rest of the band is now on stage and Dan is still nowhere to be found. They’re getting annoyed, and the crowd is getting antsy. Of course, the band nominated Matt (drummer) to go find his ass so they can get going. Matt goes out, looks all around the outside of the club, Dan is nowhere. So Matt walks to the van, which had been parked a couple blocks away, and what does he see? Dans face in the back window, yelling at the top of his lungs and pounding on the glass, making a ruckus hoping that someone would hear and let him out.

What was he looking for? A spliff. He had locked himself in immediately, and had been in there the whole time losing it trying to get out.

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Wow, awesome story! I guess if I got myself locked in the van it could be for a similar reason! =)

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Any time I’m waiting for a performance to start, I’ll entertain myself by assuming this is what’s going on behind the scenes.

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What’s the difference between a drummer and a US savings bond?

One wiill eventually mature and earn money

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Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

A: homeless.

Q: how do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

A: put sheet music in front of him.

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The guitar player one is great! I was trying to remember the girlfriend/homeless one but couldn’t bring it back.

There’s one about the lead singer always speeding up or not being able to count to four that I’m having trouble remembering too. Oh well, they say memory is the second thing to go and I can’t remember what the first one was… :thinking:

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This is my all time favorite musician joke.

A college student graduates and joins the Peace Corps.

While living deep in central Africa, helping villagers with irrigation and inoculations he constantly hears drums, way off in the distance through the jungle.

Finally he asks a villager “hey, what are those drums?”

The villager replies “Ohhhh, drums stop, very bad!”

So he asks another villager, and another, same response “drums stop, very bad!”

So he interrupts one guy in mid-sentence and says “I get it, I get it, ‘very bad’ but WHY is it bad when the drums stop?”

The villager says "when drums stop. . . .bass solo!"

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I prefer this version:
What do you call a loud guy with no talent who spends a lot of time with musicians?

A conductor.

Also:
What happens when you screw up in orchestra too many times?

They send you to the back and give you a couple of sticks.

What happens when you screw up too many times in the back?

They take away one of your sticks and send you to the front.

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Another oldie but goodie:

A drummer, sick and tired of the endless jibes, decides to broaden his musical skills and earn some respect. After an hour of mooching around the music store, he marches up to the manager and says “I want to buy that red trumpet and the little piano there.”
The manager looks nonplussed for a second then replies “Okay, I can sell you the fire extinguisher if you like, but the cash register is going nowhere.”

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How do you know when a mandolin player is at your front door?

He manages to come in early using the wrong key.

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