Watching paint dry: epic crowfunded troll of the UK film censorship board


#22

Yep, came in here to say this. Unless the board is literally run by the people watching the films, it’s probably just wasted effort.


#23

Saying some organization isn’t as bad as the MPAA is like saying that getting half your skin burnt off isn’t as bad as terminal cancer.


#24

Surely a computer could ‘watch’ it and alert a human if necessary? Delta mumble FFT mutter.


#25

They could miss a single frame in which was slipped indecorous dancing, right? In fact, are they allowed to all blink at once?


#26

With some LSD the wall with “breathe”!


#27

Psilocybes are easier on the hardware.


#28

Pointing that out could be mortarfying. At least the foundation would be laid to cement those friendships, unless they stonewalled you. Of course, you’d need to get plastered first.

I’ll get my coat


#29

Prepare for 14hrs of Wet, White on White, Latex Action!!!


#30

Yeah, I’m expecting something tacky.


#31


#32

The BBFC’s report on ‘Braindead’ shows that they at least have a sense of humour:

The attempt by Paquita to stuff a wonderfully vicious zombie baby into the blender results in a series of sight gags which had us all in hysterics […] I don’t think I’ve laughed so much at a film all year.

Their case study of The Evil Dead makes interesting reading, too.


#33

Given what makes up the usual bulk of duties of a Film Classification Officer:

  • Hours of tedious gonzo or amateur porn
  • Abusive porn that skirts the letter of the law just enough to be frustrating
  • Low-budget art-house movies with (deserved) limited release
  • Direct-to-DVD movies (oh so many)
  • DVD collections of entire TV Series (Only very occasionally the ‘good’ ones, all the others get recorded also, do the math)
  • Anime and kids movies. Or even collected seasons of imported non-broadcast kids anime. (Can you imagine how many hours of recycled subtitled animation knock-offs there are!?)
  • OK, an occasional mainstream movie, but that includes all genres equally

Staring at a plain wall for a day would seem like a pleasant sort of Zen for these tortured souls.


#34

The author and barrister John Mortimer was a member of the BBFC, and wrote that he could only sit through hours of porn by taking his glasses off, reducing the performers to vague blurs.


#35

He should insert audio clips in random spots with foul language because otherwise whomever is watching could just not pay attention to the movie or fast forward if they thought that was something they could get away with. But if they knew that there’s randomly placed audio they’d have to try to pay attention


#36

Well two things - if he raises more money he can always loop the video, and anyway he could cut the movie out into multiple movies.

So my idea would be a trilogy of e films - basically using the footage he has.

A re-release of the first film next year with 2 seconds of erect penis in the middle of the film just to check.

A prequel to the first movie showing a bucket of paint and a paint brush.

A fourth movie released 4 years from now consisting of the shot of the empty bucket and the improperly cleaned paint brushes drying.

A Director’s cut doubling the size of the movies and showing parts of the empty paint bucket at the beginning with a flashback to the full paiinbucket and the flashforward to the wall drying for several hours.

The ‘long running edition with all scenes removed’ which turns out to be an absolutely disgusting porno.


#37

Quite:


#38


#39

I’ve got an idea for how this movie should be viewed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdPKGNCw7lM


#40

So, you’re saying this film could be some sort of meditation on Persona?


#41

From the case study:

Compared to films like Scream, The Evil Dead now looked rather tame.

That is an… Odd comparison :smile: