What Else can we Ruin with Chocolate Milk?

[SmashMartian]

Continuing the discussion from Deep Thought of the Day:

@SmashMartian

But I did buy a selection of chocolate milk and ice-coffee, along with a pottle of live yoghurt with extra hippies in it for the starter culture. So it’s a go. I could be onto the Next Big Thing here.

Expanding on the idea from @monkeyoh and as @jlw has been giving us some great recipes, here’s my contribution to further the boundaries of gastronomic science - Yoghurt made from chocolate milk.

I know, awesome, right?!

And here are the contenders…

Rush Strong Iced Coffee - Fun fact, Iced Coffee outsells Coca-Cola in South Australia, one of the few places in world where it does. This, however, is not that brand. Nor is it connected with Geddy Lee.

Rush Iced Chocolate - On a twofer at the local Colesworth. May contain amphetamine. May have just be made in a hurry.

Breaka Limited Edition Caramel Brownie Milk - You fool, Smash, I hear you say. This is a limited edition! You should be saving this in pristine condition as an investment! Well, I’m just that committed to the greater good.

Just Natural Malt Honey and Chocolate - Sadly, no unnatural ingredients. But as yoghurt works best when it’s wholegrain and hand-woven, this is my last, best hope for success.

For the starter culture, I’m using Jalna’s Live, free-range, all-organic, bio-dynamic, no-need-to-panic, not made from ceramic yoghurt. With extra hippies.

OK, seriously, this is what I actually use for a starter culture for my normal yoghurt, about once every few months when re-using home-made stuff gets to be too sour. Leaving aside all the BS marketing speak, it’s tasty stuff and whatever cultures they’re using suits my taste very well.

And into the incubator they go. I’ll be back to see what went on later. Off to see the two cricketing powerhouses of Ireland and the UAE square off today. Rain is expected, and so is the pub.

[anon63496581]

Caramel brownie milk? Oh! What a world we live in!

Anxiously awaiting your experiment report!

[SmashMartian]

Don’t get too excited. Limited edition you know. I’ve laid down a case. Should be worth a packet in 20 years time.

[Elusis]

@SmashMartian

free-range, all-organic, bio-dynamic, no-need-to-panic, not made from ceramic yoghurt

Sounds like John “Bugsy” Lawler’s kind of yoghurt!

[daneel]

@SmashMartian

Off to see the two cricketing powerhouses of Ireland and the UAE square off today

Looks like it was a good game, too.

[Missy_Pants]

I wonder what yoghurt made from maple milk would taste like…

[GilbertWham]

They’re all spoiling it:

Unpleasant foreigners ruin cricket again

[SmashMartian]

@daneel

Looks like it was a good game, too.

It was. Nip and tuck all the way down to the wire. Small crowd for the Gabba (5,000) but the Irish fans were great fun. Hearing them protest umpire’s decisions by shouting “Down with this sort of thing!” was a personal highlight.

@Missy_Pants

I wonder what yoghurt made from maple milk would taste like…

That’s a real thing?!
I… Wow. I mean just… Wow. What a world of wonders this planet is.

[SmashMartian]

@SmashMartian

And into the incubator they go. I’ll be back to see what went on later.

Well, the results are in. In order of increasing appetizing appeal, here they are.

In 4th place…

Rush Iced Chocolate A urine-like yellow layer floating delicately over a cloud of mucosal solids.

In 3rd place…

Rush Iced Coffee A playful multi-layer construction, with what appears to be mineral oil dancing through assorted lipids.

In 2nd place…

Breaka Caramel Brownie Particulate matter at the bottom but other than that, good continuity.

And the winner is…

Just Natural Malt, Honey and Chocolate The Hippies take it by a whisker. This actually doesn’t look bad. Good continuity, reasonable colour. Could be on to something here…

Tasting notes to follow… as soon as I’m brave enough.

[anon67050589]

@SmashMartian

A urine-like yellow layer floating delicately over a cloud of mucosal solids.

That was magnificent prose. Horrible looking yogurt, though.

[anon63496581]

Interesting results - I hope the more successful-looking two end up tasting nice.
That second one looks like what happened when i poured almond milk into a cup of espresso. And it tasted icky.

[SmashMartian]

@SmashMartian

Tasting notes to follow…

For my safety, I have tested these in decreasing order of potential poisoning. If I don’t make it to the end of this post, please call me an ambulance.

Rush Iced Chocolate

Milky yellow serum, giving a faint odour of cocoa and menace. The taste of cheap Halloween candy or fake chocolate treats for dogs. Watery and baleful. Beneath lurks clotted hate, I lay down the spoon in supplication, fearful of angering it. I have tasted evil today.
My Rating - 6.66

Rush Iced Coffee

This reminds me of a very badly made cocktail, the sort that has a double entendre as a name and contains minimal alcohol but a vast amount of cream-based liqueurs, then been placed out of the way upon a shelf at a house party, only to be discovered several weeks later.
The top layer is watery, giving off a faint smell of bad coffee. Unpleasant granules rise and fall within it’s depths and small rafts of conglomerated cells can be found.

The top layer is as bitter as regret. Smoky, dank and sour, bringing to mind swamps, and the contents of a spittoon in an Old West Saloon. Underneath is foul, gritty and an almost solid mass of congealed milk solids.
My Rating - If this were a movie, it would be directed by David Lynch and produced by Troma.

Just Natural Malt, Honey and Chocolate
This actually smells like yoghurt, with maybe tiny a hint of cheese. Something like Ricotta. Grainy texture on top leading to smooth and runny deeper down. More liquid than my normal yogurt, with less body.

Taste is sharp and sour with little in the way of malt, honey or chocolate and a weird, dry finish. Not a complete disaster, but not actually inedible. Giving it a good stir and re suspending the particulates at the bottom gives an unpleasantly harsh chemical/honey note.
Proof that even with all-natural ingredients and the finest organic cultures you can still make something that tastes like a beehive in an industrial solvent works. Something of a victory for science, there.
My rating -

Breaka Caramel Brownie

Smells strongly of caramel, with lactic tones underneath. A little more solid than the Hippies, probably due to the inclusion of permitted emulsifiers and thickeners, only some of which are known to cause slight monsterism. No detectable trace of Brownie remains. Should I ever need to dispose of a pack of recalcitrant Brownies, this method may be handy. May need some scaling up for Girl Guides, though.

On to the taste test. This is actually an improvement. The original milk was thickly sweet and cloying, but this has cut it right down, giving a lemony, caramel taste with a sweet layer of precipitated Brownies at the bottom. A win for the dairy-mines and milk-formulation plants over whole-grain goodness.

My Rating - I’m… I’m so happy.

[LDoBe]

You’re a braver man than I, smash. Your Martian constitution is showing. I don’t think I’d ever be able to put a spoonful of either of the Rush products in my mouth. No matter how well I girded my loins.

[SmashMartian]

@LDoBe

I don’t think I’d ever be able to put a spoonful of either of the Rush products in my mouth. No matter how well I girded my loins.

Sometimes, you’ve just gotta put it all on the line for The Boing.

[GilbertWham]

@SmashMartian

directed by David Lynch and produced by Troma.

I would watch the shit out of such a movie.

[SmashMartian]

@GilbertWham

I would watch the shit out of such a movie.

Want me to provide the refreshments?

[GilbertWham]

Fuck, no.

[daneel]

@beschizza @jlw FP this now!

[Missy_Pants]

Only in Quebec and Ontario I’m afraid.