One of the horsey ones, probably. The ballet?
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Dressage? I showed my brother the thread and he immediately said dressage.
āI can get on a horse, and let it walk where it wants to go, thatās about it.ā
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Same. But I am a champ at watching them!
If I have to pick one Iāll say gymnastics, because even when I was a wee teenager I wasnāt all that coordinated. Trying to picture myself on the balance beam . . . 
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That just made me thinkā¦
We need olympic tree climbing. Not rock climbing. Tree climbing.
Like grow a gnarly twisted tree a hundred feet high, and whoever goes from the bottom to the top and back down again fastest is the winner.
Squirrel people.
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Itād be kind of like this:
Except a hundred feet tall, and something like a mutated sugar maple or something. And of course no ropes. Climb that tree like you mean it. Climb it like a wild animalās after you. We can put airbags at the base. Wear a helmet, youāll be fiiiiiiine.
We didnāt grow up as a species relying on ropes and grigris and caribiners. We evolved to grip with our fingertips and toesā¦ Then we evolved to chase after animals until they dropped dead of exhaustion. (we evolved this crazy mechanism called a brain that lets us plan and just keep after any animal we want to eat. Every time that animal thinks itās safe and can rest, suddenly we show up, and they have to start running again. Imagine being hunted like that. You run 'till your legs give out, have some water, and a 30 minute nap, then suddenly thereās this guy right here whoās been chasing you for the last 10 hours.) Also, persistence hunting needs to be a sport. Thatās some horror movie stuff right there.
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Yeah, it was the only bit of sport at school I liked. Being a lefty came in handy for once.
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Did long sword for a while.
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Not in fencing, at least after making a point. It seems some coaches encourage it. Always struck me as silly and unsportsmanlike.
To crossover the parcour thread, thereās many sports Iād suck at, but the one I couldnāt get myself to do would be the high dive.
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I couldnāt swim across the pool without stopping when I first started. A year later I swam 1.75 miles non-stop (in a āpoolā that is 1/8 of a mile long ā¦ mad props to whoever can guess what pool that is). If you do want to learn, lessons make a huge difference. I was lucky enough to have a friend work with me at lunchtime.
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One of the teachers at my school was well into fencing.
Got 3 years for it when they caught him. 
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My rotator cuff is of the opinion that I would suck most at shotput. Iām thinking archery, though, because thatās sort of what got me into this rotator cuff situation to begin with.
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In that case swimming. I swim laps at least once a week and can do passable versions of every stroke thanks to three summers of competitive swimming for a dinky club but would eat every other competitorās watery dust.
But what about battle axe? I should ask my instructor Dolph Haudhagen!
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Me too.
Before I became ill, I wasnāt completely hopeless at target shooting and football (only in goal). There was also that time when I won an orienteering competition, despite having come close to last in previous years.
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Oh wow memories. I was decent at that in high school. I beat out some military college guys at a big weekend meet which felt good even though I didnāt place all that well over all. While working up to the jog/fast hike pace again would be good for me I donāt think I want to deal with the oh thatās got thorns all over it and I need to untangle myself fun again. It just wasnāt a good run in the woods if you didnāt come back bleeding.
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Weight-lifting.
I have an expectation that Iād be able to do most of the other sports, just really, really badly. I can do gymnastics, but it would be a somersault landing on my back. I can do swimming, or running, or jumping, or boxing, but my result would just be closer to ā0ā than to any of the other competitors.
Iād do okay at the team sports; I mean, Iād just be moving around the playing surface without doing anything to help our team score or to prevent the other team to do so, and I gather from watching years of Toronto sports teams play that thatās enough to get you a job on a professional team.
On the other hand, I donāt think Iād be able to lift a competition-level barbell. Like, it literally would not get off the floor. Like, the bar itself, without any extra weights put on it: I donāt think I could get it off the ground.
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Every time the Olympics come around I joke that Iām going to move to Tuvalu and take up a sport because the lack of competition is the only way Iāll ever make the team.
Although I feel kind of bad for joking about it because Tuvalu does have a serious competitor in the 2016 Summer Olympics and I honestly wish him the best of luck.
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Any team sport. Iād be disqualified before competition even began on account of being just one guy instead of a team.
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