Obvious answer is gymnastics – all of that would be impossible. Aside from that, I’m thinking synchronized diving.
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all of them?
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Does not being able to actually participate in them count as sucking?
Or does “Stuff you could physically do but be dreadful at” better describe it?
Any team sport is right out for me.
But for the Gold Medal at me being really awful at it would be any of the Wrestling events.
Waits for entrance music, comes out, starts shouting at officials for not setting off my pyros…
And instantly DQ’d, banned and facing assault charges for hitting the ref with a steel chair. 
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I have no flexibility and I’m 5’7", so definitely gymnastics. 
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Yes that’s a better way to phrase it.
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What’s the degree of difficulty multiplier for synchronized Cannonballs?
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Fencing. I learned knife fighting as a young teenager. But that’s not going to help at all. The technique I learned would have me lose so fast.
[parrys the foil overfocefully, then gets like 12 body touches as I tackle the opponent]
Does screaming at the top of my lungs disqualify me? What are the rules for facial grease paint? Can I stalk my enemy?
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Wow, I totally forgot fencing. I took a semester of fencing back in 1989 or so. I’d probably suck least at fencing, while still utterly sucking beyond measure.
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So, like, 3-strand and picket you’re good on, but none of that fancy wrought-iron stuff?
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Swimming. Although if they were to add a competition in “Olympic Sinking and Panicking” I might have a chance at that one.
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Any of them involving speed, strength, agility, coordination, accuracy, endurance, or beauty.
My best shot is to bring back Olympic art competitions – they were cancelled in 1954 supposedly because artists were considered to be professionals, which is kind of a stupid excuse really. Make the music submissions audio recordings rather than paper scores. I’d be competetive in the new Speed Music Production freestyle category.
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Real chain-link, my friend. Nothing but real chain-link.
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Ooh, Olympic treading water. Now there’s an event I can medal in.
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Any-number-of-meters Swimming. It’s a skill I’ve totally not mastered or even learned in order. I can swim underwater pretty well, I can not-drown while hanging out with friends at the pool, and that’s about it. My attempts at moving across the water, however, entail a metric fuckton of splashing for a solid minute and discovering that I’ve moved about two feet.
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any event which requires skills and abilities other than superhuman stubbornness and patience.
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There’s precedent for that. Eric the Eel from the 2000 Sydney games.
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I just looked this up for the first time and realized that I had “Eric the Eeled” a javelin competition in high school. I was on the Track and Field team and even though I suuuuucked at Javelin (owing to a lack of real javelins at my high school) I signed up. If the Javelin doesn’t strike the ground tip first, the throw doesn’t count. No one could get their throw to strike tip first except for two people. I was the last one up. My first two throws went far, but landed the wrong way. So for my last throw I just jammed it in the ground in front of me and claimed third place.
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Awesome. 
I’ve always thought the Olympics would be much cooler if they were properly all-comers, open to all. Just send your form in, get your start time and turn up, no qualification needed so anyone can have a crack at it.
Oh, and if you can get a minimum number of contestants, anything is on the cards as long as you send in a copy of the rules. Like, anything. Poker. Competitive Mime. LARPing. CounterStrike. Anything.
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Wouldn’t it devolve into Brockian Ultra-Cricket rather fast?
Or maybe Calvinball?
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Sure. Get enough competitors to make it worth running those events, send the New IOC the rules, wait for your time-slot. You could get a shot at winning the Gold for Calvinball!
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