What's inside the President's "Nuclear Football"


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I’ve always liked the idea that it was actually a satellite-linked computer built into the shape of a football being carried around inside that bag. Damn you for ruining my childhood fantasies!

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I would like the green salad, the nuclear annihilation of Sevastopol and the crème brûlée for dessert.


I thought that the “what’s in the bag” features usually had a shot of the contents:

I know, it says that there isn’t a button, but only because it is top secret

Edit: updated per @Gyrofrog’s @generic_name’s suggestion:

Presidential Underwear, Presidential Panties, Underwear for Men/Women


I went and looked it up: Zero Halliburton isn’t coincidental; it was, until 2006, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, Dick Cheney’s old buddies. So every time the Marine behind George W. Bush picked up the football, Dick Cheney already knew what was inside.

hahahah! I wish we would have made a fake “What’s In Your Bag” for the nuclear football.


I recall, perhaps during the earliest years of the George HW Bush administration, there was photo at Camp David that showed President Bush, President Gorbachev and – in the background – their two respective military attaches with their respective nuclear code bags. I don’t know how that would have worked in a crisis. “Okay, Mikhail, we’ve got to nuke one another – I get that – but, you understand, it’s going to take a few minutes to find a room for you. Just sit tight. I’ll be back in about 23 minutes.”


In the moments before Reagan was wheeled into the operating theater, he was stripped of his clothes and other possessions. The Biscuit was later found abandoned, unceremoniously dumped in a hospital plastic bag. It seems unlikely that a crown or scepter would have been treated so cavalierly.

With apologies to Don Henry…

And then the White House keys
fell out of his pocket
we thought that we’d unlock it
come Saturday night

put up a bunch of homeless in the Oval Office
and raid the refrigerator till the morning light

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Maybe it doesn’t have clean underwear in it, but I guarantee you if he ever has to use that “football” he will probably need some clean underwear.

Do they make Presidential Underoos in navy blue with the official seal of the USA on them?


Oooooh, now I get that panel from the “Watchmen” GN…


A dried-up bottle of number three million sunblock, and a dog-eared copy of “Peyton Place” from the Johnson administration.

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“Declaration of War - The Short Form”

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This little guy, who has been specially trained to fly straight to the Pentagon:


Maybe, but if not there’s always these:

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Would it include a empty beer can and a condom used by horse-breeders? (True story.)

Other links:


Its primary purpose is to confirm the president’s identity…

Until some kid manages to hack the contents and upload the codes to Pastebin, at which point anybody will be able to successfully pass themselves off as the President for a day.

You might read up on the wikipedia article-- while “Halliburton” does indeed refer to the oilfield services company, Halliburton’s luggage division was sold to the Zero Company in 1952.

John Hancock these and hail Mary!

So much fun to watch the penny drop.

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