Who should win this year's bad sex in fiction award?




Is the contest for the worst sex, or the worst fiction? Because I may want to nominate someone…


Dorrigo looked up. A large dog stood at the top of the dune. Above blood-jagged drool, its slobbery mouth clutched a twitching fairy penguin.

I hate it when that happens.


Especially when it’s just as I’m sticking body parts into the sun.


I dunno, the highlighted line in the pic could be a great description of awkward, bad sex - especially from something like a sex addict’s perspective who hates themselves for what they are doing.


Ben Okri’s got a high opinion of himself. “She was a little overwhelmed with being the adored focus of such power”.
Saskia Goldschmidt’s “hot as boiling water in a distillation flask”. So erotic!
Michael Cunningham’s fantasy of premature ejaculation being fine. Ha ha.
Richard Flanagan “As they lost themselves in the circumnavigation of each other”. Yes, oh yes, dragging that cartography metaphor right out there really does it for me.
Wilbur Smith’s girl has hair down to her knees yet is also hairless. Ha ha.
Kirsty Wark “so as not to miss one single possibility of passion.”. Yes, because it is a bit like shopping in the January sales.
Helen Walsh, not sure how appealing ‘old porn’ is?
Is Haruki Murakami an old guy? Then this is textbook.


That title alone sounds like a metaphor used in a bad sex passage.


Maybe there should be a good sex scene contest so these folks can read up and figure out how to write these things without them being such a … distraction.


In a way, they’re all winners.


If the object of Eros is upside down, or the subject is working from the toes upwards? On the note of titular metaphors, I think The Lemon Grove is a deliberate euphemism.


I was trying to work out if “The Narrow Road to the Deep North” was a euphemism. God I hope not.


Funnily enough I just replied to someone above about the same thing.


That is fucking hilarious. How slack am I.


You’re under no obligation to read the whole comment thread, but yes, the whole subject is hilarious… And I find it reassuring that writing can be terrible irrespective of whether the writer has been published, or has won honours and awards or not.


The only word I keyed on was metaphor, and my mind went to the exact same place. It seems… unsettlingly telling.


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