Woman pulls knife on security agent then hits him with fanny pack containing surprise pigeon

Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2018/09/20/woman-pulls-knife-on-security.html


That’s what you call trying to send a message.


I’ve heard of flipping the bird at someone but this is ridiculous.


Security guard must’ve really ruffled her feathers


Asymmetrical Pigeon Warfare is not seen often but is always vicious.


In Northern Virginia, a distraught woman yelled at Social Security Administration workers, then hit a security guard in the head with her fanny pack–which held a small pigeon inside. She then pulled a knife on the security agent.

This is like the worst magic trick ever. Was the Final Countdown playing in the background?


Another person who would fit in so much better if they just moved to Florida.


What? No MAGA hat?


The pigeon was probably the only one in this scenario to have had a home.


Alternative narrative! Just an exercise in compassion, not meant for anything but idle entertainment.

An older New Yorker spends her life savings to travel all the way to Washington with her emotional support pigeon because the Social Security Administration in NYC says that, as she has no SSN or birth certificate and is not listed in state vital statistics records, she is not eligible for the benefits she’s paid for all her life.

She is sent in increasing frustrating circles by the officious mandarins and obsequious apparatchiks of the SSA… until finally her temper frays and she raises her voice.

The panic button is pressed, to summon security agents empowered to chastise and expel her from the inner sanctum’s gilded ivory halls. She quickly leaves, knowing she has transgressed and will get no further.

As she gains the outer lobby the menacing yet obsequious Fatherland, oops I meant Homeland Security gendarmerie catch up with her, and tell her that she needs to stop resisting them.

She yells that she’s leaving and not resisting anyone, and smacks one in the napper with what’s in her hand - and realizes in horror that her beloved friend and pet is in the bag she just smacked against a stone-hard object!

This is the last straw; her tears turn to rage, her frustration combines with her fear for her companion’s injury and guilt over her part in it, and she does what many New York City women of character might do - she pulls her knife.

She is overwhelmed and her pigeon seized. Homeland Security gleefully informs her that her beloved pet will be released into Washington where it will be lost and alone and prey for the many urban hawks there. Her bitter tears are collected in jars and sent to the Oval Office for Mike Pence to savor; the SSA is one of the major contributors to the Pence Nourishment Effort.

Two hours later a reporter from the Post shows up and interviews some bystanders…

Please understand this is only a fantasy, and although any resemblance to reality is intentional, I sincerely doubt the SSA contains any gilded ivory offices - more likely stuffy, scruffy offices with outdated furniture and poorly programmed computers staffed by tired drones.


Sounds credible to me. :wink:

(And @xeni headline says she pulled knife first, everything else says she pulled knife after the fanny pack assault. But the pigeon was not found until after both. “Woman hits security agent with fanny pack, then pulls a knife. Fanny pack later found to contain live pigeon.”)


"attempted unlawful wounding, " WTF? So Assault would not suffice?

The bird will be returned to the wild after the investigation?

Do they need to take its statement or something? Just open the door and let it go.


I wonder if police in other urban areas do this to pets and domesticated animals. Like “we returned the man’s ferret to the wild” or “we returned the family’s cattle to the wild”.


Where’s the animal cruelty charge?

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I think they mixed up that mugshot with a picture of James May.


Not sure if the band should be named Suprise Pigeon and the first album Unlawful Wounding, or the other way around.


Once the security guard escorted her outside, she pulled a knife and threatened him, they said. He closed the door to the facility and police arrived.
A police officer found the woman — who was later identified as Laurie Weaver, 56, of New York — nearby.

I love that she pulls a knife on the guard and he’s just like “I’m out” :joy:

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What a fowl deed!