347 risk analysts were asked: "What are the most likely risks for the world over the next year and a half?"

boing
2

I gotta just say, given the year we’ve already had, that’s the weakest, laziest list of possible disasters that could have been imagined. But this is what we get from the exciting world of risk analysts.

A REAL list would include:

  • We lose the moon.

  • Nutritionists announce they were wrong, kale is bad for you.

  • Murder hornets become less of a threat when the murder squirrels show up.

  • 50% increase in creepy clown sightings.

  • Every few days the sun flickers.

  • Aliens feel bad for us and in a misguided goodwill gesture, causing Earth’s entire atmosphere to vibrate to the tune of “We Are The World” 24/7.

  • 50% increase in the size of all spiders.

  • COVID 20 begins to spread rapidly and causes mild behavior quirks, like a constant desire to microwave fish.

  • Aliens get access to our internet, spend five minutes on Reddit, and then set our atmosphere on fire.

  • Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried find a constitutional loophole that allows them to enter the presidential race and somehow they win and force the FCC to permanently set all TVs to stay powered on at max volume for their nightly state of the union speeches on all channels.

  • A solar flare wipes out all fiber optic cables and we have to go back to AOL dialup.

  • A brutal civil war between Star Trek fans and Star Wars fans erupts, millions are annoyed.

  • A brutal civil war between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans and Adolescent Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters fans erupts. The war ends with the remaining 40 ARBBH fans surrendering and admitting they are also TMNT fans.

  • 50% increase in speed of spiders.

  • Linux finally reaches the year of “linux on the desktop” and promptly bricks millions of PCs due to a bad patch that impacts an app that only 20 people use.

  • Grass learns to scream.

  • Microsoft goes open source and it’s discovered that 70% of the code is just GOTO statements.

  • Hundreds of witnesses come forward to clear Carol Baskins.

  • Repo Man retroactively wins the 1984’s Oscar Best Picture of the Year somehow (probably related to COVID 20).

  • The UN (finally) declares the US FDA’s 2013 ban on Mimollete imports a crime against humanity.

  • Fish start acting like dogs.

  • Dogs start acting like cats.

  • Cats act even more like cats.

  • Microsoft admits Azure is hosted by Amazon, Amazon admits AWS is hosted by Google, Google admits GCP is hosted by IBM, and IBM admits they subbed out all their cloud services to Dropbox years ago.

  • Clowns and spiders form an alliance.

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