Hi – I am the neighbor Tammy Weisenberger mentioned in her article. If you were shocked by the behavior of these middle schoolers, then I hope you will listen to what I have to say. (I don’t know anything about Boing Boing, I just happen to have a dog in this fight. My comment is long, but I believe very important if you care about kids and the adults they turn into.)
When my son told me that some punk was trying to scare him with swastikas, I asked him if he felt like he was handling the situation ok by himself. He said he was. That was a relief to me for two reasons: 1) it told me that he is a much more mature person than I was at his age, and 2) it meant that I didn’t have to go talk to the school. Which I did not want to do. Why ever not?
Last year, my then 6th-grader came home extremely upset because he had seen a boy he knew screaming the N-word at a boy he didn’t know. He had tried to shut the first boy up, but the kid was out of control (and the coach on duty in the locker room didn’t want to hear about it). So I called the school and told the counsellor everything I knew (including that the coach refused to handle it right then and there). She said that was “clearly unacceptable” and that she would talk to Boy 1.
So then I asked her if the school used restorative practices. Crickets. “What?” she asked.
And that made my heart hurt. That the counsellor at my son’s middle school didn’t know what I was talking about. This is a huge topic in the field of education right now. (Here’s a local story if you’re interested: http://kcts9.org/programs/in-close/restorative-justice-school-discipline-new-approach)
I don’t remember her exact words, but she said that Boy 1 would get a warning and be expelled if he kept up the behavior (screaming the N-word at a child of color). That’s called zero-tolerance.
Folks, we are hurting children every single day that we continue to practice zero-tolerance. Boy 1 is hurt because he gets expelled (if not this year, then next year – believe me, it’s coming). Boy 2 is hurt because he never gets a sincere apology from Boy 1. No one ever really makes amends. Restorative practices is all about making amends and fixing relationships instead of dumping problem kids into the school to prison pipeline.
So back to the swastika situation that brought us here together on Facebook. Maybe I should have called the school first thing. But here I want to quote my brother (US Army major, combat veteran and soon PhD in History): “If you do that, what will happen?” (This is how he talks people down in really, truly dangerous situations.)
I was pretty sure I knew what would happen. The little alt-right wannabe would get a talking-to. Maybe the teacher would be told to reseat him away from my son. He would be reminded that other people’s parents can use the school as a weapon against him. Would anything meaningful change in the kid’s life? Would someone sit down with him and figure out where this was all coming from? Would they help him to actually grow into a young man of character who empathizes with others and uses his words to build people up?
Wanna bet me? I’ll put down money that the answer is no. So I didn’t call.
But now I’ve read here in Tammy’s article about sieg heil in the hallways. About how this is more than one kid. My hands are shaking as I type this. Children’s lives are a treasure that we hold in our hands for a brief moment. We can’t do our duty as adults if we are afraid of them when they punch our buttons (and that is what zero-tolerance is – “your behavior scares us so you’re outta here”). We have to sit with them and do this work of becoming humans together.
So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll go see the principal and try to get her interested in training the teachers in restorative practices. I don’t want to do this. I don’t have time to do this. But I will.
PS: My son said this today: “Mom, I remember telling Papa that when I grew up I would go fight in World War II against the fascists and he told me that it was over a long time ago. I was so disappointed. Now I don’t know what to think.”
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