“I will be okay.”
“Things will turn out all right.”
“I still have options.”
Even when times got tough, these thoughts were always in the back of my mind. I could not see a positive future, but I could believe in one. I have always struggled with depression. When it manifested, it manifested in the form of me “neither wanting nor caring to do anything.” Nothing was worth the effort. Not because I could not do what I put my mind to, but because whatever I did would go unnoticed and unrewarded. I had value, but the world could not always see it.
But now, it is finally dawning on me to ask myself, “What if I actually can’t do what I put my mind to?” What if my efforts would not be enough to succeed?
“That would be all right. If you fail, just try and try again. It may not lead to the success that you had imagined, but it will surely lead to something.”
I used to think that I had imposter syndrome. But no, I really do not know what I am doing. I am the Peter Principle in motion, and I can only learn from my mistakes after they happen. And that’s too late.
Up until now, I kept taking on new challenges and succeeding, but now I have hit a brick wall. I can no longer assume that I will be okay or that things will work out because I see my past successes for what they were: luck.
I have reached my peak and I do not, in fact, have any innate skills or talents to fall back on. And I suppose you could say, “That’s just life.” For me, it is a lesson that I am learning rather late in life. And I am running out of options.
If I can’t figure out what I am doing, and soon, I will fall. I do not know how far I will fall. Maybe I will turn out okay, but I am not so sure.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“I see myself knowing what I am doing, except I don’t exactly know what that even looks like right now.”
“Then, whom do you see who knows what they are doing?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then, where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Somewhere. I don’t know. Probably not here.”
So…now what?
