"As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly"

Originally published at: "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly" | Boing Boing

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I saw wild turkeys fly before. It wasn’t exactly graceful though.

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Every year this tired clip gets dragged out and every year I’m annoyed, because the entire foundation of the joke is a myth, turkeys can actually fly.

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It’s all disintel from the Turkeynatti. While people think they’re safe, they strike!

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Wild turkeys can. Domestic turkeys can’t. Not only are they too fat to fly, they’re too fat to fuck. They have to reproduce by artificial insemination.

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Every year one of the finest moments in television history is remembered. Go listen to that shitty Alice’s Restaurant.

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Classic.

Now to watch The March of the Wooden Soldiers. Which was on the teevee every thanksgiving growing up and was a family thing.

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remake bingo GIF

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Do they use a turkey baster?

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The turkeys think so.

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Can I love them both?

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Yes, but I recommend washing it out before using it on gravy.

Or not. It’s really up to you.

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Yes, but only the most seasoned (ahem) professional has the honor after years of training. They even get a special badge.

image

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The second S on that badge is super important

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This. Saying “turkeys can fly” is like saying “a human can run down a horse over long distances.” Technically true, but most of us aren’t exactly in prime hunter-gatherer shape these days and couldn’t do it even if our lives depended on it. And our species hasn’t even been intentionally bred for obesity.

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Nothing like a long-winded protest anthem that’s not really about war at all, but a bunch of selfish brats who can’t clean up after themselves.

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You sure about that?

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no-sorry

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And what an asshole Snoopy was for not letting on that he had a complete Thanksgiving dinner in his doghouse the whole time…

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Hey, you ask a dog to make toast, he makes toast! It’s not his fault no one asked about his Thanksgiving plans.

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