Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Six


So he’s faster and more manoeuvreable, eh?

Plus, lets face it, Mad Mel is no Michael Ironside.


Now that’s the spirit!

I kinda wish you could buzz the tower in the General Lee.


Wouldn’t wipe my arse with that flag, let alone drive a car with it on the roof.

Had a run-in with a Charger once, too.

I wasn’t impressed.


They do okay, until they have to turn.


This is Junior Burton on the Pepperoni Eggspress and I’m talking to anyone who’s listning.

Dear Achilles, have:

Ahem, I should say, don’t fear, De’Ath

You can’t take this Yahoo to be Serious.

I mean, we’ve seen this before, and these folks from down under are prone to some crazy shit, but rarely have things end well for them.

So sorry, Mellie Mel. But we’ve already seen you coming, long ago. And we’ve already questioned your allegiance, so the fact that you are now going to threaten violence after you just promised…


**Mad Max - Wheel of Fortune**
In nature times
Mechanics make the rules
They create the secrets
of the cosmic repair rooms. 

Among the cards
there is a picture to reveal
it shows the Craftsman
and the Power of the Wheel, 

The Wheel of Fortune, is a Principle of Life
The Never Ending Act, of De'Ath and new Rebirth. 

And so the People, get used to what they feel
We need the power, the Power of The Wheel. 


Over the scream of engines and the wail of worn tires on broken asphalt, a cracked, worn-out voice can be heard singing at the top of its lungs:

-“All the vampires walkin’ through the Valley…”

-“Move west down Ventura Boulevard…”

-“And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows…”

-“And the good girls are home with broken hearts…”

-“And I’m freeeee…”

Fingers tighten on triggers. Gunbarrels erupt in flame from hidden caches along the leading edge of the Falcon’s grille.

Rounds stitch the air and fly on their merry way to their rendezvous with the Iso Grifo’s plum paintwork. Glass shatters, the boot perforates, fuel leaks, the spare tyre explodes with joy at having never once suffered the indignity of being called a “tire.”

-“Free faaallllllin’…

-“Bugger this.”

The Iso Grifo launches a missile.


De’Ath’s down to 5HP, but he’s up 2 LP, 10 gallons of gazzoline, six fingerbones, eight ounces of clean rotted flesh (clean, that is, of radioactive contaminants and zombie antibodies, but still clotted with healthy Forest Lawn soil) and the whereabouts of a couple of pretty nifty cars. Maybe someone might value such information enough to want to pay for it. Who knows?

Not the worst Wednesday in De’Ath’s history, on the whole.



Give you five? I can do better than that! I can give you fifteen!


“Haha … aaaah Bill …that’s a bloody horrid sight, that is!”

~ grins grimly to self ~

~ settles into seat, facial expressions relaxing ~

"What’s your nickname, Bill? Apart, of course, from ‘Bill’. I’ve picked up many over the years, but the one that stuck, the one that popped up again and again, all over the world, is

’You Little Basterd’

Mother, father, brother, priest, school, soldiers - all clips over the ears and ‘You Little Basterd’’. Didn’t understand for years - very funny story though, in the end. If a bit brutal. No time now, eh?

But then it came back in the desert, in action, when I made a 2km takedown with the .50. "You leetle bast-ard’ said Pierre. So that stuck. And so on.

~ visibly relaxes ~

Lots of people who meet SAS, they call them stonehearted, or soulless. In a way, they’re right. But for me it’s more about … being in a kind of trance. When you’re in the middle of some drug-crazed machine gun fight, there’s no point bloody fretting about holes in your shirt. Can’t afford it. You simply can’t operate - and that’s what you have to do, as an entity, as a being - you’re just a piece in a mechanism, but a piece with a brain, and you can determine the outcome.

So you learn this trick.

~ talking quietly ~

You learn to settle, to sink beneath the moment, to relax and allow your senses to pick everything up, to process and filter information like a genius.

You forget yesterday’s burnt bloody dinner, the barmaid’s spurn. You anonymise yourself, your name is just a handle to communicate with your brain.

And you arrive at a tantric state, full of openness and light. In contact with all things, restful and dreamlike. I had a starter for 10, as I’d figured much of this out when I was a kid - needed to (‘You Little Basterd’ - hah! Those Rotten Basterds!)

So it’s not that they’re soulless - they just haven’t re-surfaced from where they went.

As for this pair of camel’s mindyourlanguages - we should cook something truly lovely up for them! Something very painful, and very amusing for us, and very bright, and very fireworky! Haha, yes - no quick dispatch today, Ugly Mutant Things!



Or so he says. You’re going to get there and find these two beauties instead:

Just speaking for myself I would be tempted. But I’m holding out for one of these Japanese specials:

I heard they can fly.


“Well okay then, uhhh… ’ you little basterd’, it sounds like you have a plan.” Bill stammered as he noticed the cold gleam in the Major’s eye. “What do you want me to do?”

The Major got out of Perky, and opened his boot. As he withdrew a large black rifle case, he said “Bill, you know what needs to be done.”

But Bill wasn’t so sure, he was a mechanic not a soldier. “Uh, well yeah of course I know what needs to be done, but how are we going to do it?” Bill asked.

“Glad you asked! We are going to wait until night fall, and once the Moon is high in the sky you will have to sneak down into that camp and rescue those children.” the Major told Bill excitedly as he tossed him a pair of bolt cutters from Perky’s boot.

“Woh, hey now I’m not so sure…” Bill started to say, but the Major quickly stopped him,

Over the next few hours as the two drivers waited for the sun to set, the Major regaled Bill with tales of his many adventures, each with a lesson about the secret that only the Major knew…

The Moon had risen high in the night sky. Bill had dozed off but while he napped the Major had been busy, constructing a classic sniper’s blind.

He had parked Perky behind and slightly left of a trash dumpster that had been dragged to the edge of the concrete river bed for some odd reason. He had gathered and crumpled much trash cardboard and newspaper and camouflaged Perky’s exposed drivers side flank. Lastly he had planted an old claymore mine on his blind side to cover his rear.

“Time to wakey Billy boy!” Bill heard in his brain over the TCB, as the Major elbowed him awake. “WTF!?” Bill started to say, but before the gases escaped his lungs the Major had clamped his hand hard over Bills mouth and nose!

Suddenly panicked Bill started to struggle, but then heard the Major’s voice inside his head again, “Bill, calm down, its me on the TCB!” And Bill relaxed and looked up at the Major. “I’ve never used the TCB like this, whats happening to me?”

“Ive modified my TCB to broadcast on a short range burst signal for covert ops just like this one. Super mutants, zombies, and most raiders don’t have citizens band telepathy, so this is a way for us to coordinate our missions” thought the Major. “Incred…” Bill started to speak, but quickly stopped himself, “…ible! This is amazing work I must examine your TCB equipment!” Bill finished his thought.

“Not now, later” the Major thought back. “Okay what do I have to do?” Bill thought. “Sneak down there and save them kids, with the trick I taught you!” thought the Major. “But I’m scared of super mutants!” Bill thought, as he got out of Perky and checked his m4 carbine’s action, and magazine.

“I heard that!” the Major laughed into Bill’s thought processes, “Damnit!” Bill thought to himself, at which the Major laughed into his head again. “I cant do this…” thought Bill, “Yes you can! Now GO!” the Major thought back.

So Bill left the sniper’s blind, and like the Major had explained in his story about Mogadishu, got down on his belly and began crawling down the edge of the L.A. River’s concrete embankment… “Oh SHIT!” Bill couldn’t help yelling as the concrete was slick with slime and he slid all the way down into the toxic green river with a loud splash!

“Oh Bloody hell…” the Major thought to himself, “I heard that!” Bill immediately thought back at the Major, as he scrambled to get free of the water as fast as possible. “Great now I’m going to end up a super mutant too!” thought Bill, “Shut up! Here one comes! Hide!” the Major quickly thought back.

Bill Scrambled behind a scrapped out Prius, and poked his head up to see the 12’ tall super mutant lumbering up stream right in his direction. “Oh shit!” thought Bill, “Calm down, get low and move when I tell you!” the Major thought back.

The super mutant got closer to Bill’s hiding spot, and the Major took aim at a discarded tire rim on the edge of the water… “Get ready to move…” thought Joe as he carefully pulled the trigger and his silenced .50 cal. made a muffled POOF!, the rim sounded a loud DING! in the night… Temporarily distracting the super mutant.

Bill heard the Major think “MOVE!” in his head, and he did, quickly crawling on all fours until he pressed himself into the mutant camp’s rubber barricade of tires as tightly as he could. “This is NUTS!” Bill thought to himself… “You’re almost there!” the Major thought back…

The full Moon shown brightly on the green river. The super mutant splashed around in the liquid, searching for something. After a a few moments he drew a slimy chain up from the toxic waters, and started to haul in some sort of trap.

“ERK! TIS CRAW-FISH SNACKS ME GAL!” the male super mutant bellowed loudly, as he fished out a old shopping cart that had been converted to some sort of strange trap. At the announcement, a female super mutant emerged from the aluminum sided lean-to.

“GIT BAK OVAH 'ERE YU STOOPID LUG, DA MOKAHZ BE 'ERE ANY TIME NOW!” said the she-mutant. “YAR-YAR!” said the he-mutant, as he plucked the 24" fluorescent craw-fish from the impromptu trap.

While the he-mutant was busy fishing Bill heard the Major’s voice in his head, "Now’s your chance! Quickly! Run into the shed for cover!, and the old mechanic didn’t think about it, he gripped his carbine and quickly dashed around the tire wall and into the aluminum lean-to!

Once Bill got into the shed he was shocked at what he saw! The super mutants had a S-MEtH operation going! When Bill gazed upon the chem lab, the Major saw it in Bill’s minds eye! “OH SHIT!” the two drivers thought simultaneously.

The Major, saw the lights in the distance through the scope of his .50 cal. the roar of the Smokers engines were heard shortly thereafter. “The Smoker’s are coming for the S-MEtH Bill, you have to get to those kids now!” Bill heard the Major think into his mind. “Here I go!” Bill thought back as he peeked out of the mutant S-MEtH shed.

“You’re clear, BLOODY MOVE!” Bill thought he heard himself think, and then he did move, quickly and stealthily right behind the she-mutant, as she looked down river at the Smokers headlights.

The Major watched through his scope as Bill got to the cages, the kids looked emaciated and sickly, a few raised their heads when they heard Bill approach, but most were too weak to respond. Quickly Bill started cutting the wire mesh of the cages, “Ssssshhhhh!” Bill hissed at the kids!

“We’ve got incoming” the Major thought, “Best hurry Bill!”. Bill thought back, “I am!” and started cutting faster, 3 kids already huddled close by him… POOF! the .50 cal. went off, THUD! the he-mutant fell so close behind Bill that the mechanic was sickened by it’s super body odor.

POOF! the .50 cal. went of again and the first Smoker’s wave-runner exploded in a ball of flames! The she-mutant roared, “BETRAYAL! MIRKLE GIT BAK 'ERE!” but the he-mutant was already dead.

The Smokers opened fire on the she-mutant with small arms, but low caliber guns just piss super mutants off, so the she-mutant screamed “SHE SMASH!” and leaped into the radioactive river, viciously knocking the Smokers left and right out of the slimy water and onto the concrete embankments!

“I have to hurry!” Bill thought to himself, as he cut the dog cages and pulled kids out behind him! The Major providing over-watch the whole time. Finally a few dozen children were free of the cages and Bill said “Run! That way!” as he started to herd the mob back upstream towards the sniper nest.

Meanwhile the she-mutant had finished off the S-MEtH’d out Smokers, and turned back towards her bridge. She first saw her mate laying spread eagle with eyes bulged out, scalp peeled back and a pool of purple mutant blood around his head… she sighed.

But when she noticed her Hors d’oeuvre running off, she screamed with rage! "FEE-FI-FO-FUM! she started to roar, when all of a sudden POOF! POOF! POOF! the Major sent three rounds into the S-MEtH lab and:

“Whole shite!” Bill exclaimed, “We did it! But now what are we going to do with all these kids!?!?”

Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Eight

Haha! Now that, sir, was a bloody good show!

~ rifles in a burlap bag in Perky’s rear ~

Quick now - after your wee dip I’d encourage you to become acquainted with my good friend KI - don’t share them about, eh? Enough just for you to make bloody sure you don’t grow 12 feet tall!

And what a courageous bloody bloke you are too! Never met a civvy with quite that chutzpah! Ach, bloody hell I’m impressed! Do me the honour sir, do me the honour of accepting this token of appreciation - on behalf of the kids, on behalf of me - I think everyone’s more than a little happy about all of this!

For you - haven’t had it out in ages, but I think you might like it:

That, Bill, that was the bloody spirit!


OI! You lot! Haha! Come and see what Bill did! Bloody hell, what a treat! Makes me feel full of rainbow bloody kittens!

Not long now till we’re at Edwards! Taaalllly Hoooo!

@Kingannoy, @patrace, @awjt, @drman321, @funruly, @Garg, @Palomeque, @daneel, @Solomon, @gwwar


@SteampunkBanana, @beanbreath, @kyntha, @jlw, @bizmail_public, @Tetrix, @sarcadian, @thewizardofwas, @monsterzerozero

See memo above! Haha!


@donald_petersen, @penguinchris, @William_Holz, @blckjckdavey, @Mister44, @xdjio, @davide405, @webiii1976, @JonasEggeater

Want to know what the spirit is?? That’s what it is!


Presumbly the same way he managed back in Oz: by only taking the easy meat.

Early in his career, Mr. Rockastanksy did a number on the manic depressive NightRider, but onlyafter Nightrider went depressive. Mr Madness also did just fine when he ambushed folks from behind – who were on motorcycles.

Model Maxine did survive two scrapes with Humongous, but only when he had the support of Papagallos organization, just managed to get hiself killed. When Addled Max struck out on is own he didn’t so well. Humungous’s people kicked his ass. Twice. And then then Melanie got his car jacked because no one had his back

Yes, Disturbed Melanie is dangerous. But only because he is willing to GO THERE and be utterly self-destructive. The way to deal with this kind of person is to avoid the one-on-one, and let him destroy himself. It’s what he wants, after all.

In the meantime, a guy named Jimmy Thach worked out long ago a low risk way take out a faster, more maneuverable opponent when the opponent is solo and you have a team.

Mental Melanie never has a team.

Sir Gonville, I’m your wingman for as long you’ll have me.

Tales from the Wasteland




Breakfast is served.



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