Badass Space Dragon 2.0 - Round 3 - Ship Local

Coming soon to this forum:

Badass Draconic Bureaucrat


So, Cutter S. Squamata got his special package from Unizone?

A care package, we hope.

Also, whilst I wouldn’t normally quibble with the fine folks of Unizone @patrace I appear to have been charged twice for my mission fee. I didn’t pay for the mission on credit - as I made clear at the time that came from my cash funds, whereas the upgrades were on interest free credit.

This is in line with the stated order of payment as above.

  1. Mission Fee
  2. Upgrades & Repairs

I look forward to receiving a b10 credit to my account and continuing my mutually beneficial arrangement with Unizone.


Don’cha mean “insiders”, Cap’n? I hear they call 'em “insiders” round these parts.

If ya ask me (an’ ya didn’t) insiders get pretty rough treatment. I know if I’ve got any insiders, it’s ‘cause I’m busy digestin’ 'em.


Aye, when I ask’d me first wife why she’s leavin` a Gentleman likes me, she said she’d rather a’ Unizone Inside’er.


BadAss Dragons of the Cube Farm?


Round 3 - Ship Local

Re: Unizone Com Kits

Dear Unizone Partner,
We must regrettably confirm reports of a small flaw in the Unizone Communications Enhancement Software Kit. Our top engineers have been assigned to the problem and we are working to replace the faulty kits.

We deeply apologize for any inconvenience. There are no known problems with any other Unizone products at this time and we’ve increased our debt allowance to b100 for your convenience.

(100-LK)% chance of -8 EN failure per installed kit. This round only.

Unizone’s Parts for Partners Program
Buy now, pay later! Carry up to b100 in Unizone debt!

Note: You may buy any of these upgrades in multiples. HP can never exceed maxHP.

  • b10 - Unizone Shield Boosters (2 SH)
  • b10 - Unizone Cloaking Device (2 ST)
  • b20 - Unizone Blasters (4 FP)
  • b20 - Unizone Lucky Dashboard Bobble (2 LK)
  • b20 - HP | Hull Whole Hole Filler (10 HP)
  • b40 - Alumaximum Dip Kit (+5 MaxHP / +10 HP)


Mission 1 - Fish On!
Ahh… the hover boardwalk on the ocean moon of Sandfish V sure is fragrant today. Feel those little squishy bits under hoof? The best. Pick up as much fish as you can carry and transport it to the data miners on the cold side of Omnomicron. The sand fish must flow.

Mission Cost: b10/container of sandfish.
*Your ship will automatically carry the maximum number of containers possible.
Restrictions: This mission is open to any ship.
Rewards if Successful: b20/container of sandfish
Risks: Meteor Shower (1-70 HP based on lowest of LK, SH or EN) & (50-LK)% chance of spoilage per container.

Mission 2 - Max HP
We need fast ships for an express mission. Deliver these hot pockets to the Unizone engineers!

Mission Cost: None
Restrictions: This mission is open to any ship.
Rewards if Successful: b50, +5 MAX HP, +5 HP
Risks: (60-LK)% chance of a speeding ticket (-b20),
(70-EN)% Engine Failure (-10 HP, Mission Fail)

Mission 3 - Lizard Tail
Unizone has reason to believe a dangerous space lizard has been hijacking shipments, your ship will be used as a decoy to draw her out.

Mission Cost: None
Restrictions: This mission is open to any ship.
Reward for Capture: (Highly Unlikely) b500, +1 HAT
Reward for Attempt to Capture: +2 GRIT, ???
Risks: Face Nilah (1-70 HP based on FP, EN & SH)

Ella’s Shipping Depot

Greetings. I am Ella. I did not fight for this independent territory of Charybdis only to see it become the fruit of a colonialist enterprise. Today I announce the launch of an alternative carrier service, locally owned and operated. Please join me in building our future rather than giving it away.

Mission 4 - Priceless Artifacts
These delicate paintings of compression artifacts date back to the early years of computing. Please transport them to Brad Nebula’s new cultural center on Sandfish VII.

Mission Cost: b50 (no credit extended nor debtors allowed)
Restrictions: This mission is open to any ship but may be in violation of your Unizone contract.
Rewards if Successful: b150
Risks: 4 x Asteroids (3-7 HP based on SH & EN)
For each Asteroid that hits, there is a 2% chance your cargo will be damaged and you will receive no reward.


Your account has been credited, Unizone is having some trouble with order of operations. Good thing there was a clarification posted today.


b50 | Mission 4: Priceless Artifacts
b10 - Unizone Shield Boosters (2 SH)



Public Notice

In the interest of shuffling some paperwork off their desks and getting back to much more interesting work, the Unizone Corporation has appointed an internal tribunal in the ongoing matter of Falkayn v. Unizone.

@daneel @funruly @penguinchris

Please review the evidence privately and select your verdict.

  • A. Falkayn has been deprived of b55
  • B. Falkayn has been deprived of b30
  • C. No Harm

Natasha see growing number of meteorite holes in hull. Audacious Blip beginning to look like child of anti-vaxxer. Natasha purchase two shield boosters.

Natasha disgusted with self after making “delivery” to “elusive client.” For salvage reputation of БПMК choose following mission.


How come ‘Priceless Artifacts’ come with a fee of b50?

Sounds like they’re very clearly priced.

Who expects couriers to buy the things they’re contracted to deliver?

How about nothing up front, but b75 on delivery?



#Hailing Next Available UniDrone to Aisle 3.

When does checkout close this cycle?


@codinghorror - Please close this thread Thursday , March 12th @ 10am AKST (11am PST). I’m not sure what happened the last couple of times but it appears to have closed around 2am PST.



###No guts no glory!!!


You’d look more like this, no?


Mission Analysis

Mission 1. Only take if you can finance at least six crates of sand fish. Expect to take 30 HP of damage (The Last six captains on this mission suffered 25, 27, 29, 30, 36, and 38 HP damage, respectively). However, due to spoilage risk, roughly a quarter of the crates will spoil, so the likely return per crate is only b15.0

Mission 2 While there is no upfront fee, there is a roughly 40% chance of a speeding ticket. For most captains, engine failure will basically be a coin toss. I would summarize the mission this way: toss coin, either fly free or pay b20.0 Flip another coin to either get the juicy reward or lose 10 HP. Assuming HP cost b2.0 to repair and b4.0 to add to max HP, then success is worth about b80.0, while failure costs b20.0. That suggests MIssion 2.0 has a likely return value of roughly b20.0 Not too shabby.

Mission 3 It’s all about the GRIT. At the moment, a handful of captains have 3 GRIT, just under half have 2 GRIT, and the rest have 1 GRIT. GRIT is hard to come by; only a handful of captains got grit on the last round. Be prepared to suffer 30-40 damage, and not get paid for it.

Mission 4 A non-Unizone Mission. Likely damage of 20 HP, 92% change of success. Big Payout, but it’s unclear where you can spend it. Ella in the past has run a (very expensive) repair shop, so repairs might be available even if Unizone is unhappy with you. Or not. Who knows.

As always, I welcome all Comments, Critiques, and Criticisms on the mission analysis.

Enjoy Life. Make Money. Stay Alive.

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Cosmosword               | 73/99   |  27  |  20  |  21  |  23  |  18  |   1    |
Hat: None
StarBits: b70.0000

The VIP arrives at the Cosmosword. A slimy-looking fellow, some bad-ass Men-in-Black suit-wearing space-lizard, complete with solar visors and suitcase. Browf stands at attention at the gangway.

“Welcome sir. Your room has been prepared for the two day journey to your destination. The onboard computer will provide you with our itinerary, the scheduled meals, and the mini-bar is fully stocked. You are invited to join me at the captain’s table tonight.”

" Ssssorry, but I musssst assssk, doessss your sssship have free… ssssecure wi-ffffiii? I mussssst attend conferensssse callssss for the majority… of the journey… Pleasssse have mealsssss brought to my cabin. Quietly… I must not be… dissssturbed."

Browf nods, and extends his hoofs to shake the MIB’s hand.

The lizard stares at the hoof for a second, blinks one eye, and then the other. Then boards the ship, following the robotic klaxxon-hop to his quarters.

What a class act…

“BAMBI, take us out!”

. . .

“And when the asteroid took out the interstellar relay, he insisted I perform an EVA to repair it.”

“And after we dropped him off, I audited his usage. It turned out he wasted our expensive interstellar network access on streaming holograms from Cost me a pretty penny. And no tip! I should invoice Unizone for his abuse of our services.”



. . .

“b500?! That’s almost the price of a new ship! And GRIT is the new HAT! Or is it ‘HAT is the new GRIT’. I don’t know. Browf’s never been one for fashion. But these corduroy pants… I do like them. Did I catch Dakota Hoofington eyeing up the Browf?”


“Well she did fix my translator. And she was quite the looker, and maybe not too young for Browf. Browf wonders what she likes to do for fun.”

“Down to mission business. With com kits off the market, all missions are dangerous. Meteor showers in Omnomicron. Risks of burning out the engines. Being used as chum by Unizone’s enforcers. And invalidating our Unizone courier licences. This is not great business. Costs are up, profits are low.”

“While I do need to pay off the loan I took out to get this ship to Charybdis, I have made many new friends. Browf doesn’t want to risk the law, but doesn’t want to risk the ship either.”

“But no guts, no glory. Adventure calls, and the quest for GRIT it shall be! Browf’s got something to prove! Let’s catch a lizard tail and put it in our pocket!”

-b10, +2 SH | Unizone Shield Boosters (2 SH)
-b10, +2 SH | Unizone Shield Boosters (2 SH)
-b20, +10 HP | Hull Whole Hole Filler (10 HP)
-b20, +10 HP | Hull Whole Hole Filler (10 HP)
-b0 | Mission 3: Lizard Tail


-b5, +1 GRIT (temporary) | Crew fee, Dakota Hoofington


Captain Hermes Conrad here, reporting for duty!