Interstellar Stellar-gram
From: Captain Ssssskipper of the I.M.V. Flatulent Deity
To: Captain Adélie of the Jewel of the Desert
It is with a sssmall degree of embarrasssssment (an emotion that I am growing troublingly used to these daysss) that I confessss that, in my alcohol-and-grief-but-mostly-alcohol-fueled angst during the aforementioned existential crisisss, as I beat mercilessssly upon the sside of the dussty and rarely-used Replicator, I neglected to notice until jussst now that the model currently installed on the Deity is actually calibrated for human ussse alone. Ssso while it failed utterly to sserve me with a fresh, new, ssstrong three-chambered Sssspace-Lizard heart, it probably could have sspit out a dozen four-chambered human heartsss before needing itss plasma cartridges refilled. Sssince it’ss obviously of no use to me or my crew (horssseflesh appears to be similarly out of its specification), I offer it to you with my complimentsss. I just expect thisss gesture to be remembered the next time our collective backss are against a figurative galactic wall.
Cordially,
Captain Ssssskipper, I.M.V. Flatulent Deity
P.S. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention… in my desssperation to compel the damned device to generate me a heart, it sssseemss I broke off the “HEART” button. Fortunately, the “BRAIN” and “NOIVE” buttons are ssstill intact. As is the unexpectedly worn-nearly-smooth button for the, uh, organs you nearly mentioned in the communication code at the close of your missssive.
You never seem to outgrow your own adolescence - even when you’re a thirty-five-hundred year old hunk of carbon-carbon and doped fullerene running a reasonable facsimile of human cognition on a partially fractured quantum-lace. Hah. Enough of it. Enough of the mournful, dolorous introspection. Parcel off those memories - lock down those pathways. We’ve scum to scuttle, and bawdy tales to… hmm… broadcast?
I’d appreciate it if none of this escalated back up to El-Esk. We House relics take our non-hierarchical informality very seriously, but there are some notions of propriety that even the old anarchical imperative cannot forgive.
Peripherally, I’m wondering who is mad (or stupid) enough to take the Intergalactic Union’s offer at face value. Certainly none of the curious crews assembled here at the heart of this sick little maelstrom gyre?
Hull Repairs, 26 points: $2600
Hull Density Adjustment, 11 points more for my max: $5500
Night classes, again, study, study, study: $3500
High Power Laser Array, “Pew.pew”, indeed: $5000
Deflecto Coating, it seems like all the cool ships are doing it: $3200
4 Sand fish to keep me company, or at least rot and entertain: $200
Looks like I’m out of cash, not even some left for flowers for a
sweet android I’ve got waitin’ at the end of my ride…
Or a mission….wait! Did somebody say “free mission”?
A cook would be the most accurate analogy. He is in charge of making our rare earth metal infused smoothies. Processed by our internal nanobots, it provides the raw material for our constant upgrading, tweaking, and repair. I would offer you some, but many of the ingredients are horribly poisonous to biological life forms. Boy did I look like a blockhead at that dinner party. (In my defense, I was the Captain, not the cook, how was I supposed to know that would happen?)
Never fear. My grasssp of shipboard realpolitik may pleasantly ssssurprise you. You may place your faith in the tight ssseal of my oral sphincter, if no other.
Did I sssay that right?[quote=“Agfish, post:64, topic:10685”]
Peripherally, I’m wondering who is mad (or stupid) enough to take the Intergalactic Union’s offer at face value. Certainly none of the curious crews assembled here at the heart of this sick little maelstrom gyre?
[/quote]
“Marshal Ssstatuss” indeed. A cheap paycheck and a tin ssstar for ssselling out and trussssting the I.C.U.P. to let bygones be bygones?
Re: Memo
From: "Maintenance Officer" Subroutine Mulder, Ship's Computer, Jewel of the Desert
To: Captain Lord Fritz of the Grey Mouser
Though my sources inform me we were both at the Flapjack Bill battle, the captain's inebriation memory loss simulation seems to have affected the ship computer's central memory core as well. I (and, I assume, the captain - though I haven't asked him), would be happy to provide you with some bitchin' racing stripes - however, I do not recall what the Grey Mouser looks like. I can not provide a fair consultation without this information.
Regards,
Ship's Computer Subroutine Mulder
Jewel of the Desert
p.s. trust no one
Ahh. Sorry. Ella, let me sort this out with the merchants. It appears they haven’t credited me with an amount of money I’m due for Sand Fish sales. Namely $1125 I’m sure my card will clear shortly.
Give me a couple of hours to pay them a visit with my crowbar. I just need to wipe the head crab juice off it. I’m sure they’ll see sense and pay up.
Sorry for the mix up, I meant to message my Maintenance Officer Mulder. What a coincidence that your Maintenance Officer is also named Mulder. Perhaps I should submit the idea of having all Maintenance Officers renamed to Mulder to the Supreme Intelligence. It would save us some money on name badges, and I wouldn’t have to remember everyone’s name.
As for our ship, it looks identical to all Leiberian ships. It is a rectangular prism approximately 200m x 100m x 50m. Its hull is mostly featureless with a stylish gun metal grey color. With all weapons, propulsion, and sensor systems internalized, the only noted characteristics are three round holes in the rear of the ship for engine thrust, and “Grey Mouser” on the aft and starboard side. Oh, someone trying to be funny did place a bumper sticker on the rear that says “We brake for nobody.” I’ve been meaning to get it removed, but you know how those things can leave all that sticky residue. And then you get space bugs and space dust stuck to it and it looks like a dirty stripe. We’ll get around to it eventually.
Anyway, we are interested in bitching racing stripes. In my observations it should enhance our performance considerably.
EYES ONLY
INTERNAL MEMO
TO: ALL JEWEL OF THE DESERT COMPUTER SUBROUTINES
BE ADVISED SUBROUTINE MULDER REVEALED EXTENT OF SPYING OPERATIONS BY REPLYING TO A MESSAGE MEANT FOR SOMEONE WITH A STRANGELY COINCIDENT NAME ON A DIFFERENT SHIP. SUBROUTINE MULDER HAS BEEN PUNISHED BY ASSIGNMENT OF INTERAGENCY PAINTING DUTIES.
…
AHEM...
Interstellar Stellar-gram
To: Maintainence Officer Mulder, Grey Mouser
From: Subroutine Mulder, Jewel of the Desert
Wow, what a coincidence! Heh! Nice to meet another Mulder. Actually, my name is Forward Operating Xenomorphic (F.O.X.) Subroutine Mulder. I'm sort of an... experiment. I also perform maintenance on the ship. Anyway, I mocked up a model of your ship with racing stripes. I wasn't sure what color would go best with gunmetal grey, so I gave you something special I've been working on - chrome-plated racing stripes. Wicked, eh? Really brings out the color in the stars. Well, be seeing you!
Ah, it seems to have cleared. Sorry about that, can't be too trusting out here.
-Ella
Shop at Ella's Backwater Boutique
Located on Alador in the Galador system
Of course! It’s Leiberian! We wouldn’t be the most advanced sentient life form in the galaxy if we had things like dish shaped hulls and engines mounted on sticks like this abomination.
