“Bounty hunterth? We don’t need their thcum.”
–Lieutenant (J.G.) Gilligan, I.M.V. Flatulent Deity
Gentlebeingsss, a moment ago the Deity found itssself at a crosssssroadss. In the wake of the near-debacle known as the Flapjack Bill affair, wherein our loosssse alliance of ssseven succccessssfully brought down the Kill Machine and ended Bill’s decadesss-long rampage of violence, terrorism, and unpaid brothel debtsss at the cost of a fair amount of bodywork and (as far as anyone can tell ssso far) all handsss aboard the noble Hobar, I, the Sssssskipper of the Deity have begun to wonder if it’sss all worth it.
Lieutenant Gilligan opiness that I’m jussst allowing the existential wearinesssss that wafts from the afterburners of the Sssenesscent Wanderer like ssso much nostalgic Eau d’ Ditto Ink to sssoften my reptilian hide, to cause me to reflect upon the cosmological value of our life’ssss work, to squeeze crocodile tears passst my nictitating membranes and weep over Inhuman’s Inhumanity To Inhumans (and humans too, I guessss, though one mussst admit the humanss kind of have it coming).
The lieutenant cannot otherwise underssstand why his captain should be tempted to choose the Good Ssssamaritan misssion, even in the wake of all that has transssspired thisss week. I assk you, does a Sssspace Lizard ever need a reason? Esssspecially one who won and retained captaincy of such a formidable (if sssomewhat leaky) warship as the Flatulent Deity? Aye, won and retained through a lifetime of utterly reptilian and cold-blooded decisionsss with profit ever the motive, and why shouldn’t that motive change from time to time? A lizard, it is widely known, can regrow a tail lossst through sssome misssadventure. Can not a lizard alssso grow… a heart?
Well, as it turnsss out, no. A lizard cannot grow an organ that did not previousssly exisst in that cavity no matter how hard one bangss upon the ssside of the Organ Replicator. Don’t asssk me how I know, jusst take me at my word.
The Deity goesss where lies the greatest potential for profit thisss day. Our coffers are low, our morale is battered, we finished off the horsssemeat days ago, and my cloaca needs evacuating again. We’re arming to the teeth and taking on the Bounty Hunterssss. And when we find them:
KA-POW!!!
Ship: I.M.V. Flatulent Deity
hits the Sssscrapyard for repairs: 16HP @ $1600.
And then off to Ella’s: Four (4) Homing Missiles @ $4000.
One (1) Glorious Gadget, Gizmo, or Gewgaw @ $1000.
Two (2) coats of Nightshade @ $2000.
Two (2) bouquets of flowers (not for decoration, if you must know. Both the fore and aft heads have run out of Charmin) @ $80.
And Mission 3 - Lizard Bait it is! $100.
Sssstarting balance: $8792.
Total expenssses: $8780.
Funds remaining for unforeseen expenses, tolls, gratuities, and Lt. Gilligan’s birthday party: $12.
