Just take any organic oil, mix it with carbon nano-lube, pour it into every crack and orifice on your exoskeleton, let it soak in for a few minutes and then autoclave yourself. You will then totally understand what a hangover is to a human. I might be interested in trading something for the BBQ, as long as it’s not BBQ’ed rat.
At least we may make such an end, as will be worth a song!
[quote=“bizmail_public, post:18, topic:10805”] To quote the ancient voice, “We must, indeed, all pew-pew together or, most assuredly, we shall all get pew-pewed separately.” (or something like that – my 'droid translator is unclear about the Old Anglic word “Hang.” )
[/quote]
According to our database, “hang” is used to inquire about the status of one’s genitalia. Example of use: “Hey, bro, how’s it hanging?”
Aluminum Mallard
Shop:
Repairs -$8690 back up to full
Mission 2 - Disrupt the Coalition
Bumbling my way into becoming a revolutionary is the kind of thing I’ve been known to do. From Star Generators to software pirates I’ve managed to find a way to pull through in the end.
Hmm. Jussst lassst week, one of my petty officersss hailed my arrival on the bridge after my customary early midafternoon visit to the forward head with this: “Good day, my captain. How massive was your pew-pew?”
Now I sssomewhat regret disssembowelling him where he ssstood with my dewclawss.
Note: I see there’s just a couple of missions, and they seem to be on opposite sides of a line. I also see a suggestion that we balance things a certain way, and as last as I’m casting my lot into the hat, I could have counted up responses and then picked a side, but Plan 4 it is. I chose blindly. Here goes:
Here I thought this business was all about running boxes of chocolates from one end of the system to another, and now it sounds like there’s going to be some action for a change. I’m in, and throwing it all on the side of the Coalition. Sure, we all know where we’ll stand with Don Mondo, but we’ll know where we stand with Don Mondo, if you know what I mean. It’ll be a good bunch of Captains on both sides of the party, sad to see it turn this way. It’s a profession, and no matter how it comes out, I hope we can put the grudges away once the dust settles. After all, we ARE businessmen. And women.
And lizards.
And androids.
That being said…
Hull Repairs = $5060
Double Quadruple Mint Gun = $8000
Bit and Pieces = $2400
Deadly Nightshade = $1200
4X Homing Missiles = $4800
2X Flak Bursts = $2400
2 Jugs Rot Gut = $100
2 Cans of Cat Food = $60
One dollar taped to the dash for luck (It’s actually the first dollar we ever earned!) = $1
Once again, The Iron Giant is ALL IN, for good or ill. It worked for Square Enix…
I haven’t selected a coffin. If I don’t make it through this mission, after all I’ve put into the Giant, well, I don’t think a coffin will be of any use. An envelope, on the other hand…
More staffing woes.
I anticipated needing a specialist in wetwork in case the forthcoming battle requires boarding the enemy. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a suitable lizard (I wouldn’t want the wrong lizard), and so I had to hire a frogman. Says his name is ffolkes. I think he’s taking the piss. Matters not, he’ll probably be dead come the weekend.
Oh no, I can assure you it’s not rat. You might even say it’s been vacuum sealed.
1 Like
Ahoy, the fleet! Captain Ssssskipper here. We Reptiloidsss ssserving aboard Its Majesty’s Vessel Flatulent Deity, hailing from Herpeton VI and lately returned from a boring-beyond-belief deployment over in the Sssscylla Clusster, have found renewed vitality and a sssstrangely… well, warm-blooded lussst for life these passst several standard time unitsss while fighting and drinking and rampaging and copulating and occasionally lapsssing into unconsciousssnessss among you all. None of usss aboard the Deity relish ssseeing thisss time come to a close. But as we find ourself on the cusssp of what looksss susspiciously like Galactic Civil War (or at leassst the culmination of a four-day feud between a backwater crime kingpin and what passessss for local law enforcement), we find it necesssary to draw a line in the metaphorical space-sand, and choose a ssside.
Count the Deity among the scaly rebels engaged in Mission 2, alongside the Patty, the Jewel, the Wanderer, the Nordstjarnan, and the Mallard, as well as the other fearless vessels, be they human or android or Reptiloid in origin, who join our furiousss assault againssst the bureaucratsss who would crush our freedomsss 'neath a neutron star’s density of tariffsss and licensssing paperwork.
The Deity, while ossstensssibly a Ssssstealth-class freighter, packsss a wallop of firepower. And I’m about to add to my ship’ss assssssssetssss:
Beginning balance: $25012.
Hull Repairs x63 = $6930. (Bringsss me up to 95% hull integrity. We’ve depressurized the auxiliary sssulfur tankss as a precaution.)
Cask of Moonshine: $8000. (At a Luck score of 29, we’re pissssing bunny feet and crapping horssseshoes. But only metaphorically thisss time.)
And because this will take as much Grit as it does Luck, I’m shelling out for a Hat @ $10000. Dig my new Angel Eyes lid:
My expendituressss total $24930, leaving me with a balance of $82. Another bouquet for the Captain’s head (I do go through that stuff, almossst as fassst as the horssseflesh went through me), one can of Cat Food for a potentially-dying Ssspace Lizard’s lassst delicacy, and $12 dropped into the Fart God’s donation sphincter (for all the good that’ll do anybody, least of all the Fart God, who probably prefers unblocked passssages), and we’re all in.
Excccccccccelsior!
[Message ostensibly ends]
Psssst! Hey, Falkayn. Confidential sssuper-sssecret Arcturan Cone of Silence-encrypted messsage for you:
I wasss sssorely tempted to take on that shamelesss frog Don Mondo, for the doubly enticing reasonsss that the payout is extremely enticing and also that he’s a water-breathing sssoft-bellied dessspot who (more than once!) was heard to mock the traditional and honorable Reptiloid Lisssssp of Command. (Lt. Gilligan is tirelesssss in his effortsss to teach me itssss intricaciesss, but I ssssometimess dessspair of my chancesss to ever reach Gilligan’s level of fluency. Ssssmall wonder the crew resspondss much more sssmartly to his commandsss than to my own.)
But I sssee the wisdom in ssstacking the deck, firepowerwise. As a relative heavy hitter, the Deity would be bessst deployed against the I.C.U.P. fleet rather than the sssomewhat ssofter target of Mondo’s Dragon. And ssso I bow to the wisdom of your ssssstrategy. And in the end, it’ssss not about the money. A one-time payout from the I.C.U.P. iss nothing compared to the prossspect of a galaxy finally rid of their meddlessssome presence, and that of that insssufferable toad Mondo.
I’m goin’ for the Grit.
2 Likes
Memo to: --recipients redacted–
Encryption Level: PFG
From: Lord Fritz, Captain of the Grey Mouser.
I just reviewed the new available missions. Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast! I had expected many more missions before it was decided that the Don was too big for his britches. I feel like we are in and old TV show from Japan, Earth, where after a few episodes of establishing the characters and having a normal routine, their entire world gets turned upside down and they are consumed by flames.
On one hand we have Don Mondo, who seems like a nice enough guy. But he also strikes me as being the kind of person to have someone hunt down smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
Leiberia isn’t part of the ICUP, and we don’t really recognize them having any authority over us. Though we try to be accommodating to local governments, we don’t claim any loyalty to them either and have no problem addressing any problems that may occur directly.
Captain Falkayn’s assessment matches our own. I owe no loyalty to Mondo, and I doubt he would have any problem dispatching me if there was as significant of a price on my head. The ICUP is a self serving inept bureaucracy. They have turned a blind eye to Mondo, and those much worse than him. I suspect that the only reason they are after Mondo at this point in time, is that Mondo decided to stop paying them bribes. The safest plan of action would be to split our forces as Captain Falkayn suggested, attacking both simultaneously.
I am going to go ahead and stake a claim for the attack on Mondo. Simply put the reward is much greater (we learned by experience that salvage isn’t always a significant reward). We are also not the most gifted ship, and these upgrades would be valuable. I would implore a few others to join us and the rest attack the ICUP.
There is, perhaps, one other option.
Operation Death Blossom
I propose we go to Benemede. We have much of the asteroid field mapped from our last encounter. We could all safely tuck into there. Then we all send messages to Mondo and the ICUP that the job is done and that they need to come here to inspect the wreckage. If things go right, they will both appear around Benemede and encounter one another. With luck those bastard spacebillies will join the fray. At that point they should go after each other while we watch from the asteroid field. Once one ship is incapacitated, we will swoop in and finish off the winner. Two spacebirds with one spacestone. The other ship will already be crippled and no match for a full force attack. It also leaves us with plausible deniability that it was only Mondo vs the ICUP and that none of us were even involved.
Ah - decisions like this is what make life worth living. I pity those who chose to live in the utopia on Leiberia.
Ship: Grey Mouser - starting cash - $14327
What’s with the price increases, capitalist pigs?
Hull Repair x46 = $5060 - Ut, oh. Better get Mako.
Double Mint Gun x2 = $4000 - I’m more of a juicy fruit guy myself.
Flak Bursts x 3 = $3600 - ooo, aaaah, pretty
Bits and Pieces x 2 = $1600 - “What’s this, sir?” “That’s a heavily used android vulva.” “Ew.”
Ending Cash = $67
(Total Bonuses from new equipment and mission:
+8 FP, +7 SH, +6 EN, +4 ST)
Mission: #1 Mondo - unless Operation Death Blossom would actually be a possibility.
1 Like
We have a fifth proposal:
*Plan 5 - Death Blossom *
All Ships go to Benemede. Then we all send messages to Mondo and the ICUP that the job is done and that they need to come here to inspect the wreckage. If things go right, they will both appear around Benemede, the booze bots will attack, triggering a fight between the two the ICUP squadron and The Badass Space Dragon. Once one side is incapacitated, we will swoop in and finish off the winner.
This plan fiendish clever. I like it. It offers a way to get both rewards, while leaving the suffering to our opponents. And when we’re done, Benemede is right there for the victory party. The TARD-iss couldn’t ask for more. However, the measure of a plan is not how it performs if everything gores right, but how well it performs if it all goes wrong.
Let me tell you a story.
Many years ago, a bright young android fresh from the foundry had brilliant start-up idea for a eu-social fractal social network that used 168 character neutrino bursts to bring people together across the void and share cat pictures. She called it TwitFaceCatGram, or something like that. It was growing 125% per month!. She was negotiating with Nicholas Van Rijm for the Second Round Financing. Every time we’d get near to closing, she’d bring in higher counter offer from another bidder. Amazing good negotiating for a beginner. She invited Nicholas and the other VC to her office the same afternoon, thinking she’d start a bidding war. Instead, Nicholas realized the other bidder was his old mentor, Sergey Draper Thiel’s uploaded cerebrum. Nicholas and the uploaded cerebrum instead cut a deal with one another, froze out the founder, and made a killing on the IPO.
As Grey Mouser Captain Lord Fritz noted, the ICUP advance squadron is here because Don Mondo stopped paying his bribes. Faced with the ICUP squadron and having been abandoned by us, Don may find his lost checkbook and buy his way back into the ICUP’s good graces At that point, our ships would be trapped in the asteroid belt surrounded by two powerful fleets AND the booze hounds.
It also seems uncivilized to bring such a massive fight to the very doorstep of the good monks of Benemede.
This is definitely a high-risk, high-reward sort of plan. I ask others to give their opinion, or to suggest other plans.
Hmm - appropriate caution at the possible chance of Mondo and the ICUP kissing and making up. I would think hidden in the asteroid field we could withdraw with out making contact, but there would probably be repercussions down the road. We could always claim that our space-email was hacked. It happens, it’s a plausible story.
If we do go through with this, we can also be sure to take out those booze hounds. With them gone the monks would make a fortune being able to export thought legitimate means.
I have noted a number of moderately powerful vessels, such as the Beyond Infinity, which appear to have been abandoned. Could we not ‘borrow’ these, and use them to bolster our fleet for both missions? They do not appear guarded, and some of us have lieutenants on our ships who would be capable of commanding a ship of their own.
1 Like
The situation as of 10:35 PM pst, Friday.
(corrections or additions welcome)
**Mission 1 - Kill Don Mondo **
5 committed, 1 considering, looking for 10 (need 4 more)
committed:
Q. sStreum
Ironclad Cochrane
Das Boot
Grey Mouser
TARD-iss
considering:
Dracarys
**Mission 2 - Disrupt the Coalition **
4 committed, 4 considering, looking for 12 (need 4 more)
committed:
*P. Patty
Aluminum Mallard
Nordstjärnan
Senescent Wanderer
*
Considering:
*Jewel of the Desert
I.M.V. Flatulent Deity
Muddlin’ Through
The Iron Giant
*
1 Like
I don’t know, this ‘Fifth Option’ is intriguing, but it’s not, in my mind, very grit-worthy.
4 Likes
a number of moderately powerful vessels, such as the Beyond
Infinity, appear to have been abandoned. Could we not ‘borrow’ these,
and use them to bolster our fleet for both missions
Excellent idea.
But I need your help. We need someway to contact the other captains. I have heard theologians speak of “higher planes of communication” – with atavistic names like “Twitter” and “Facebook” and “BoingBoing”. Perhaps some mystics can find a way to use such supernatural means to contact the captains and have them join the fight?
Because you’re right: we are currently evenly balanced. We don’t care which side these captains fight on, only that they fight.
–David Falkayn
1 Like
The skipper of The Ironclad Cochrane is right: the key to winning this battle against both fleets is getting the inactive ships into the fight. To that end, I have gone back to the original thread and sent private messages ten of the most inactive skippers. It’s easy:
- go to the original thread
- locate go the thread, click on to the left of the post with the username. This will take you to that BoingBoing User’s page.
- On the BoingBoing user page, click “private message.” It’s a grey box in the upper left.
Some of the user pages have enough information that those more skilled in the Astral Arts may be able to use Facebook, Twitter, or email to reach out to these captains.
Please help: it’s your own neck you’re helping save.
Here is the letter I sent out to those ten captains:
Hello,
David Falkayn of the Muddlin’ Through here. We really need your help in the game. We have a situation where, if all the players show up, it’s going to be a great day for all of us - you included. But if only some of us show up, it’s going to be ugly. Many of the currently active players are going to be forced out of the game.
This will take less than a minute:
please to go the thread Badass Space Dragon Round 4 and enter:
Ship:[ship name]
Mission #2: Disrupt the coalition.
That’s it. You are likely to survive, get 10 points of “grit”, and be back in the game. If you don’t like that mission, feel free to choose “Mission #1: Don Mondo” . The way the game mechanics are currently balanced, joining either of the two possible missions helps the currently active players.
Please feel free to message me with any questions.
Thanks for your help.
-David Falkayn, Muddlin’ Through’
1 Like
Something like this?
@evildonald, @MarkDow, @kingannoy, @jonathanpeterso, @timquinn, @deanputney, @inqydesu, @dhartun1
To be a Badass Space Dragon.
Please come to this thread and enter:
Ship:[ship name] and then
Mission #1: Don Mondo
OR
Mission #2: Disrupt the coalition.
Otherwise, we’re all dead.
2 Likes
awesome. go for it.
I cannot condone this course of action.
We may offer ourselves up for the sacrifice, but we don’t use others as tools.
Sam might have, back in the House days. But we’re past that…
3 Likes
