“I quit once for a year.
Gained a lotta weight.
They’ve got a special section for me in airplanes.
There’s nothing like lighting one up after a really big meal.“ 
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“Bottle rocket scientist.”
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This (after a withering “Are you talking to me?” expression) works wonders.
I enjoy giving the evil “fake laugh.”
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I find it effective to always agree enthusiastically, with a big smile on your face, and even take it a step further, e.g.:
Insulter: “Hey, you’re stupid!”
Insultee: “Oh, yes, absolutely! I’m a real idiot! A moron! I’m just so dumb!” (And just continue like this until they walk away.)
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“Well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
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It takes one to know one.
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“Whatever”
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A young man was once rude to me in a club.
It was about 1am, and, to be fair, perhaps I wasn’t looking at my best at that point, but there was no need for him to say, “Look at the state of that.”
I stopped and looked back at him from head to toe and then laughed in his face.
Just as I walked off his friends were shoving and mocking him like Nelson.
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I’ve worked with a guy for a couple decades, we have a running joke when we can’t come up with a clever response fast enough.
“Yeah, well f**k you.” but that’s all in fun.
There’s also the tried and true…
“I am rubber you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”
I can’t remember the last time anyone lobbed an actual insult in my direction, I’d like to think I would just walk away. I can always hear my dad saying, “you’re better than that”.
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Wins many bar fights, does he?
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Skip step one. If you have to use derogatory stereotypes to make yourself feel better- you’ve already lost.
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I always rank my insults from one to Don Rickles, as there never was, and never will be, a better insult thrower than Don.
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Maybe.
Some worthy competitors (needs more Dorothy Parker, and other wimmens, but hey it’s a start):
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
“Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second…If there is one.”
- Winston Churchill, in response.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” >- Walter Kerr
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
- Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
- Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
- Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends…”
- Oscar Wilde
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
- Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
- John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
- Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
- Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
- Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
- Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
- Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
- Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… For support rather than illumination.”
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
- Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
- Groucho Marx
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
- Winston Churchill
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Over here, another good one would be, “Oh, honey - I’m all 50 states and 10 provinces!”
@NashRambler I think @milliefink’s nailed it. Don’s got nothing on Oscar Wilde or Mae West.
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My favorite is “I guess everything everybody says behind your back is true,” then drop some dirty laundry you already know about them that they think NOBODY does. It totally f___s up their reality and they question every relationship they have 
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“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
Okay, that’s not a response to an insult; that’s the actual insult. (I think. Still trying to work that out…)
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“I don’t want to talk about you behind your back, but I’m not sure which is the front.”
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