Are all the backs distressed the same way?
Backs, yes. Faces no.
So, they are “new card” stiff? My old cards get, I don’t know, silky with use?
That is frowned upon for use in magic.
I need to show you my Magic dice. Magic because I never win with them. 
@OtherMichael would agree that if this is the criteria, my VW is also Magic. I never win.
Other than not missing an opportunity to bring up your VW (IT HAS A GOWESTY ENGINE) I’m not quite following you here. Because, as a beloved elderly vehicle, it always needs obscure repairs? Or because the mooks in the comment-threads throw beer cans at you when you mention it?
And as an outsider, what is frowned upon in magic: new-card stiffness, or silky old-card feel? I couldn’t parse the “That” reference.
If never winning with something is magic…
The silky i.e. dirty/not new feel with cards is no good for magic tricks. You want slick, new cards that never stick to one another. A new deck can be fanned easily, an old “silky” one as @kentkb describes is bad for magic.
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