Charlie Kirk says he is afraid of his kitchen condiments

To be an alpha male is to live in fear of tomorrows alpha males, but what is more scary for them are people who decide that they don’t need artificial constructs like alpha and beta males. They have no control over us!

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Without even a semblance of an agreed-upon definition of “woke”, he’s right to fear his condiments. Mustard made in a foreign country: woke. Ketchup made without artificial ingredients: woke. Fancy font on a mayonnaise label: woke.

Best to stay away from all condiments, except salt that you’ve gathered yourself. But then, gathering food for yourself is also woke (unless you have to shoot it).

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I want to know what it means when he says that his sponsor is “100% committed to conservative values, from sourcing the beans to the roasting process.” Is it, like, “unfair trade” coffee or something? Do they guarantee that the workers are all underpaid, and that the coffee is grown and harvested unsustainably? Do the owners begin their workday by kicking baby whales?

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Stop it. I can’t tell what is real and what is parody anymore!

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That’s my assumption. And ten year old humans being forced to give birth and all that.
Oh, yeah, and no birth control, hence his fear of condim-ents.

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The sheer degree to which these guys make a job out of announcing things that are definitely best kept to oneself.

Of course, Kirk made a name for himself by wearing diapers in public.

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I’ll have to take your word for that because I am not typing that into a search engine.

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I’m afraid of his forehead. It frightens me.

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Don’t forget the baloney. He’s got tons and tons of that, the bland ass futhamukka…and I’d wager he’s only got margarine b/c cows’ udders also scare TF outta him.

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Yes.

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Comparatively, Charlie, most condiments are more enlightened than yourself. People would be better informed if a bottle of bespoke ketchup was doing your podcast.

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That this is not a thing that everyone is immediately aware of. Much in the way of miss Kaitlyn “Poopy-pants” Bennett, Charlie “Diaper Baby” Kirk really should be used in every article.

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Someone should tell him oxygen is woke.

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