Superweapons in the hyperpalatability wars


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Snicker Bar Salad

What! It’s got salad right there in the name! See?


Thank you. Now I am hungry.

…better go get something sweet now before some do-gooders ban or at least tax everything that tastes good…


I was looking at this list and sneering at the kind of inbred, knuckledragging idiots who would put such things in their mouths and…

[quote=“doctorow, post:1, topic:60565”]Kimchi ‘n’ Curry Poutine:
Braised pork and potatoes smothered with curry gravy and cheddar cheese,
then topped with kimchi and a poached egg[/quote]

OH MY GOD I would eat the hell out of that. Forget everything else I just said.


I can already taste the delicious cycle of pleasure and regret, the only question is where to start!


The meal isn’t over when I’m full…the meal is over when I hate myself


Start with the pleasure, realize that the regret is a society-imposed attempt to control you that they can shove we know where, and skip that part, and run the cycle again.


Jesus, really? I thought that was the most horrifying thing in the list. Fusion cuisine taken to monstrous, fucked-up new levels.


Well, show me the way
To the next vomitorium
Oh, don’t ask why
Oh, don’t ask why

Show me the way
To the next vomitorium
Oh, don’t ask why
Oh, don’t ask why

For if we don’t find
The next vomitorium
I tell you we must die
I tell you we must die
I tell you, I tell you
I tell you we must die.

And then I’ll have me some more poutine.


Flag flag flaggity flag flag.

Why? Hate speech!


You are leading me to a thought…

Cooking with reactors

…that could be a nice cookbook!


I was just thinking about how good some Fritos would taste right now.


where’s @japhroaig to hypercontextualise these foods with a terrifying hyperamplification of the concept?


Do I dare?

Okay I do.


The biggest problem with poutine is it gets soggy waay too quickly. So hear me out on this.

You must use tallow for the fries, and they must be double fried. But I think a very light coating of carnuba wax could be beneficial.

The gravy must be warm, not hot, so it doesn’t break down the structure of the fry. The curds should also be breaded and deep fried (duh), and not sprinkled on as an afterthought.


Bread Pudding

I’ve thought about this one a lot. What do people love about bread pudding? It isn’t the bread. The bread is a conduit for egg, raisins, caramel, and vanilla (and currants if you have any sense if class).

However, toasted bread is loved by, well everyone.

So, a cube if bread hollowed out. Dusted with butter, cinnamon, and demamera sugar lightly fried. Fill will custard, salt, caramel, raisins, and currants, and bake till set.

Serve with an emergency narcotics anonymous hotline number.


Deep Fried Ribs

Get off of my lawn. The only ribs are SPARE RIBS, and YOU KNOW THAT, and brown sugar and Mustard!

(Drops mic, walks away)


Pretzel Croissant Sandwich

I have friends with both Celiac and crohns, so I get a little sensitive when stuff is advertised as gluten free, when really what you are looking for is Lower Glycemic Index. But I digress.

I can’t wrap my head around a pretzel croissant. A pretzel is boiled in alkaline salty water prior to being baked, which allows the Baker to ratchet up the heat (and get a done product) with the color and texture we associate with bagels and pretzels.

With a croissant it would Ruuuuin the layers of dough. So is it just a way of saying a salty deep fried croissant?

Anyway, wouldn’t some fresh greens and say a chicken salad sound better? Croissant with some mustardy greens, lightly poached chicken, celery, pickles, and aioli?


BBQ Pickle Ice cream

Sounds fucking perfect. Ben, Jerry, get on that. Needs dill and rice vinegar.


Snicker Bar Salad

This is hard to approach.

I get the same feeling when I think about uncooked top ramen salads. Yes, we all know what they taste like. Yes, they are delicious. Yes, it is comforting. But even with those affirmations I remain skeptical.

On the fly I can’t come up with a suitable compromise. An Eaton mess with chocolate mousse, sage flavored caramel, toasted walnuts, Sherry and vanilla whipped cream would be better. But it wouldn’t evoke the memory of finding two quarters in the couch cusion and running off to buy a candy bar.

(Butterfinger ftw)


Maple Bacon Funnel Cake

I just don’t understand Funnel cakes. Can someone help me out? I get elephant ears, cotton candy, ice cream shells, pitas, pancakes, crepes… but I don’t understand Funnel cakes!?

On the one hand they are as lazy as an elephant ear or fry bread. But on the other they take more work. What are you!? Why do you exist!? What is your meaning!?

I suggest an alternative. Instead of a Funnel Cake, a small ice cream cone loaded with vanilla ice cream and diced maple bacon. A LA Keller’s salmon tartar cone recipe . I’ll post pics and recipes if peels are interested.