I like insufferable bitches
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Truthfully though, I was a very naive & sheltered yet also know-it-all youth. “Self-centred” is being kind.
I have retained the handy “don’t give a shit” attitude that can be deployed at will, but I like to think I have actual empathy now. Its hard to measure that of ones self… but i have a lot of friends and I trust their opinions so I guess so?
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Hijacking this to say: you can’t call yourself a science fiction buff if you haven’t read Andre Norton’s books. Looking at you, Timmy.
Have you heard of code switching? We naturally present ourselves in different ways to different people, in different circumstances. Your convos with your CO are probably different than ones with a bunkmate - different lengths in words, different emphasis, different enunciation, different posture.
“Be yourself” means finding a place where you are most comfortable. Don’t sweat it if you haven’t found a place where both you and your prospective partners are comfortable, yet.
Wish I could be more helpful or encouraging. I have not been the most successful partner in my short life; my experiences are too different to be of help.
Good luck.
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I’m a little confused, is this directed at me? Since you replied to my post. Can’t say i’m familiar with her work but thanks.
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Nah. Just being a smartass.
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overthrowr
Agitatr
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Nobody reads Andre Norton anymore. You must be my age.
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I’ve dated people from my general interest groups - the Megaman RP community, for example, is about 300 people spread across six sites. Same with the Fallout mmo hobbyists.
The unfortunate thing about being young is that life happens. That’s what ultimately ended my first relationship. Incompatibility (they were high energy, I am not) ended the second.
Among gaming - at least mine - social circles, we’re mostly young singles who get together and shoot the shit while shooting the shit out of NPCs. My brother has a dedicated fanclub in his community, most of whom have a crush on him.
IRC is not the nexus it used to be, primarily because communities gather around specific interests rather than geography or a single technology.
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I’m 21. I was practically raised in a commune of right wing anti intellectual nutjobs, but I’m always looking to expand my horizons. Any recommended books?
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I’m another that would disagree. If anything, I haven’t changed enough since I was young, but I can see many differences and evolutions. Maybe if I’d stopped learning things and meeting people and traveling to new places I might have stopped evolving… but I haven’t. I was painfully shy as a youngster. Nowadays I just don’t care enough to maintain that level of shyness. Shit needs to get done, I know how to do it, and it’s been a long-ass time since anyone successfully browbeat me into silence, so I’ve pretty much outgrown that aspect of my personality. And the older I’ve grown, the more self-aware I’ve become about many of my shortcomings (arrogance and judgmentalness and impatience among them) and worked to minimize them, with varying degrees of success. I’m neither the doormat I used to be, nor the smarty-pants I used to be.
What we’re trying to emphasize is that those aren’t your only options. Do you think you’re too standoffish and aloof? Then make a special effort to be less standoffish and aloof. They’re really just grown-up, manly-sounding synonyms for shyness. Try being friendly. Make an effort to exude an easygoing, approachable vibe. It’s no betrayal of your innermost essence to be bravely willing to share your thoughts and moments and presence with others. Most of 'em ain’t bad people themselves. Some of 'em already like and respect you, right? It’s not like forcing yourself to vote for an evil candidate, or making yourself kiss someone you’re not attracted to. It’s more akin to acquiring a taste for scotch, or learning how to safely handle caustic chemicals or keep bees. You have to work past the initial discomfort in order to get to the rewarding part, right?
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Zinn.
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Lots of them. We have a “What’cha reading” thread here in the site. It all depends on your interests. We had a few PhD professors around here too.
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I am a shy person, introverted and anxious, so talking to people takes effort for me.
Everyone is interesting when they talk about whatever they are really interested in, whether it interests you or not. As an exercise, I suggest that you do your best to listen and be as interested as you can, in whatever someone is talking about. Ask a few questions, and don’t assume anything right away, listen and really go where they take the conversation.
You might be bored, but if you give people space, they will come around to what they find interesting. Seriously, give it a chance, almost any subject might be more interesting than you initially thought. This isn’t specific to dating, it works for many social settings.
And, on being judgemental… I can be also, but I learned a long time ago that just because I have a judgement (or complaint, or frustration), that doesn’t mean I am required to speak it out loud. That smooths out a lot of potentially rocky conversations.
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Of course, to change, you have to want to change. Just because people don’t like nerdy wargamers doesn’t mean you should stop being a nerdy wargamer so you can fit in. It’s a matter of whether that nerdiness is important to you.
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And even if you do, it is usually easy to express said opinion in a constructive way. As an example, I overheard a conversation about a topic I happen to be intensely qualified in. Instead of blurting out, “you are wrong, obviously, mic drop”, I politely asked if I could be part of the working group.
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The question of “do/don’t people change over time” is part of why through life I have grown to avoid dating and interpersonal relationships. In that I no longer really believe in personal identity. It is just that a person has (sort of) the same memories, so this provides a feeling of continuity, and that this is responsible for their sense of “self”. Basically, people are programmed to feel that they have a personal identity, and that this matters. But meanwhile the memories, the biology, and everything else changes. So feeling like a person I think of as merely a convenient fiction, and I don’t get attached to a “self”, be it mine or others. People seem to be much more like networks or aggregates, so naturally this needs to factor into social interactions.
Concepts such as “society of mind” and “dissociative identity disorder” I think are much closer to reality than the popularly accepted traditions of a cohesive personal “self awareness”. I think that is interesting and fun, but most people I meet seem averse to this, even violently so. It is as if me not believing in it ruins the whole illusion for some people.
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You do know that Republicans go to college too, right?
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There aren’t only two options. A number of posters here have pointed out the third way: work on yourself to be the best you can possibly be, so that you are worth getting to know.
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You’re offering crabs?
Not gonna get any dates that way! 
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