Let’s say for the sake of the scenario that I’m a sexily shirtless anime pretty boy villain who is planning to destroy the world.
You just happen to be a sexy robot lady who is wearing a gothic lolita fetish costume. If I can be shirtless you can get away with being impractically, if stylishly, dressed for combat so it’s cool.
Your normal impulse would be to acrobatically hit me with your giant sword until I stop moving. But somewhere deep within your programming you decide that my constant shirtlessness means that I’m open to well-reasoned arguments and impassioned pleas for sanity.
How would you convince me to spare the world from both my doomsday device and my constant shirtlessness*?
Right now, I’m kind of thinking the doomsday device is a reasonable alternative to American politics. Can we just push the big red button and wrap this shit up by midnight?
Is the shirtlessness a Putin reference, or am I reading too much in. I’m not a gamer. Wait, is the sexy robot lady Melania? She’s always seemed like a fembot to me.
In my early net days I used to lurk a little on a newsgroup called alt.destroy.the.earth which (checks) still exists on Google Groups.
But it looks kinda depressing and unpopulated and possibly skeevy now. However, there’s a FAQ here which from a quick skim, and vague memory, could be amusing.
Sample:
W h y s h o u l d w e d e s t r o y t h e e a r t h ?
During the times I followed ADTE I found a few reasons motivating
the urge to want to destroy the earth. Here they come:
o It’s fun. Making a lot of havoc and destroying is fun. Look at the movies
to prove my point.
o It’s there. The same reason why people climbed the Mount Everest.
o To stop the pavers from paving it. The pavers (from alt.pave.the.earth)
are a dictatorial group of madmen who want to terrorize the earth
so they have to be stopped.
Ha, this reminds me of an issue of the Weekly World News in which Ed Anger ranted that Brazil’s rainforests should be paved over into an enormous parking lot.
Honestly, my daughter would be the only thing I could offer up. I’d post pictures of her doing really cute things, but not on this world’s internet (there’s one for the “minus column”). I often look at her, and think, if it weren’t for you, I could be as nihilistic and hedonistic as I wanted. Damn you.
But if we’re talking total extinction, I’m not really opposed. Systematically causing suffering for a lot of people for the betterment of comparatively fewer (see: current state of man)? opposed. Mass killings (or even lot’s of little ones adding up to a pattern of reckless disregard for fellows) that leave behind mourning, confused, embittered millions? opposed. Total clean-slate on the human race? not really opposed. It annoys me when people talk about an “insurance policy” colony for for the human race in a generation ship or exoplanet. It we’ve fucked ourselves and our home that badly, let’s just…give up the ghost. I mean, what the fuck are we even doing?
I guess this could end in a twist ending where I’ve “taken all the fun out of it” for the antagonist, and they deactivate and leave. That would be a shitty ending though, and not really my intention. I’d just say “make sure you get us all. Just don’t leave one bastard left to cry over the destruction of mankind.”
Drumpf is coming to Nashville today for a rally. Why I do not know since he won and is dragging the country and the world down. So I’m just going to take your hand, move it to the button and help you push it okay?
“Wait”, I would say in my sexy robot lady voice, “I know how you can destroy the world even better, and we can have a lot of fun doing it, if you know what I mean”, (fluttering my sexy robot lady eyelashes).
Edging closer, I would say, “I’ve got it written down here”, reaching into my sexy robot lady cleavage. When he dropped his eyes to look, I would draw my giant sword (with a cool sninng sound) and chop him into a thousand pieces. Because fuck any psycho who wants to destroy the world.
Surprise twist:
The thousand twitching pieces transform back to their original shape, and it’s possible to make out that the sexily shirtless anime pretty boy villain was actually Steve Bannon all along.
