Gran-TED. As in, @Donald_Petersen went on his merry way, replaced by TED. Not the talk. The asshole, animatronic teddy bear. He is now your permanent buddy, omnipresently judging you. Even while you poop and fuck.
I wish I could go to Hawaii.
3 Likes
GRANTED! You have 10 round-trip tickets to Hawaii, and a pre-paid timeshare in Ohau!
Youâve also got a protection order keeping you at least 50 yards from Hawaii at all times.
2 Likes
I wish for lots of snow.
Granted! An unnamed Senator dumps a truckload of it on your front lawn. The snow never melts, because global warming doesnât exist.
I wish that I could eat whatever foods I wanted to, without any sort of adverse effect on my health.
6 Likes
Granted. As you eat lightbulbs, and drink sixpacks of Steel Reserve malt Liquor, your friends and family look on in disgust and one by one fade out of your life.
I wish my job let me spend time with my friends and family.
3 Likes
Granted! Trouble is, theyâve grown resentful of your highfalutin attitude now that theyâre all required to call you âWarden.â
I wish Ronald D. Moore would give the Battlestar Galactica treatment to Land of the Lost.
3 Likes
GRANTED!
Although why anybody should want to watch âLand of the Lost 1980â is question nobody asks, since every Nielsen poll shows they donât. Sâpity a big-budget reboot in the quasi-modern day sounded like a sure-fire hit in the boardrooms. Maybe it was all of those sexy Sleestaks that put people off their lunches. Or when the Marshall family discovered they were all Sleestaks-in-disguise. Or when⌠Honestly. Why did Henry Winkler ever agree to be on an episode, particularly with a shark? :::sigh::: At least the final episode revealing that it was all just the hallucinations of a dying junkie holding a snow globe was well received. In Albania. I guess they for that sort of thing, there.
I wish that we could have an Orson Welles version of The Road Warrior.
Granted!
Orson Welles makes a brief cameo as a zombie in Fury Road. His CGI corpse is noticeable for but a fleeting moment, as a monster car with a set of neon-green truck nutz backs over the scrum of zombies attacking a gas station.
I wish copyright was returned to the term length in the US 1909 Copyright Act.
Granted, but the economy plummets, standards of living decrease and life expectancy is now 28 years, the maximum length of a copyright.
I wish for more self control.
2 Likes
Granted, in the age of global surveillance self-control is king.
I wish the NSA stopped spying on us.
2 Likes
Granted!
Ever since the mandatory Streaming4Lyfe act of 2036, surveillance agencies worldwide have been replaced with data-sifters, video-ciphers, audiologists, artifact-interpreters, and the like â all from the private sector.
I wish I could shut this d**n thing off.
2 Likes
How about this one:
http://brunching.com/yourroommate.html
1 Like
Granted. You press the off button and, I wi⌠The game continues without you anywayâŚ
I wish I knew which way was up.
3 Likes
Granted. You now know which way is up. Itâs in the opposite direction of the ground, which you are now heading towards at terminal velocity.
I wish for an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.
2 Likes
Well, you did get a nice box labeled ASHPD, but you wondered why it was delivered in a refrigerated truck, until you discovered thereâd been a mix-up and your eagerly-awaited purchase was actually Artisanally Shaped Handmade Pizza Dough. You had invited friends over to see your new toy, so you cancelled that order of take-out wings and tossed together some artisanal-type pizza toppings, and the dough wasnât all that bad as pizza dough goes, really, plus one of your friends brought some beer, so things kinda worked out okay for the evening, anyway, more or lessâŚyou guess.
I wish I had better internet service at home, that would show me all the great animated gifs on this site without taking forevvvvvvvvvvver to download them.
Granted! You new Xfinity++ Overthruster package rams a spike through your skull and uploads all existing internet content (both the âlightâ and the âdarkâ nets, as well as the secret âfuschiaâ and ultra-top-secret âchartreuse-plaidâ nets) directly into your cortex. Since your Premier package included both a DVR, hands-free remote, and the Google-Vu DeepDayDream app, everything (including your memories) now looks like itâs been run through this:
Hope you like dogsâŚ
I wish somebody would train DeepDream on something other than a predominance of dogs and birdsâŚ
5 Likes
Granted. DeepDream now draws dicks on everything instead
I wish I were 15 years younger
4 Likes
Granted. You are now sent back fifteen years into a stable time loop. You will experience the same fifteen years over and over and over for all eternity, subconsciously becoming increasingly horrified at your inability to make even the smallest change to the timeline, but consciously unaware of anything except an unexplained sense of dread when considering the future.
I wish for more willpower.
3 Likes
With your newly gained willpower, you quit your job, remain unemployed for 6 months, living on a bowl of rice a day.
At least you donât have to cook rice over your gas burner in a packet of fiber jelly.
After realising this, Nasubi becomes your role model. You will not quit your new found lifestyle until you get on a Japanese game show.
You do not get onto any Japanese game shows.
I wish it was easier to peel chickpeas when making hummus.
2 Likes
Granted. You now have plenty of willpower!
Unfortunately, you donât have any will-to-power so while you can pass on those fries and second slice of cheesecake, you donât really achieve much with your life.
I wish I didnât need to pee right now.
[waaaah! this didnât post yesterday!]
