dear g-tt im himmel:
After Nasubi was finally given his clothes back on day 335, he tried them on, decided they felt weird, then took them back off.
I think yesterday’s need to pee corrupted my ability to hit the Reply button accurately, so:
Granted! Only now you can’t post to the BBbbs. Mwah-hah-hah-hah! Also, we need your clothes.
Granted. Chickpeas have now evolved to become easier to peel. However, this same evolution has left them vulnerable to a fungal infection, and all chickpeas will be extinct within the next year. Enjoy it while you can.
Granted! Your pants, however, are now quite wet.
I wish for eternal life, youth, and health.
Granted. Feeling pain is part of being healthy, which you unfortunately realise when the Sun uses up the last of it’s hydrogen and expands to incinerate the Earth. Don’t worry, it only lasts for a billion years.
I wish I was feeling capable of making myself some coffee.
Granted. You FEEL capable; however, a blight has demolished the world’s crop of coffee beans and so now you’re ready to grind and pour but all that’s available are the various Confederate coffee substitutes (google for recipes…if you like to be horrified).
I wish I had the summer I planned rather than the summer I got.
Granted. On the first day of autumn, the timeline will change so that this summer went exactly how you planned it. However, your memories of the summer will not change: you still remember the summer going exactly as it has so far. You will soon be committed to a psychiatric institution due to your insistence on describing events that no one else remembers happening.
I wish that I will experience more comfortable weather for the next week, instead of what has been currently forecast.
Granted: You’re experiencing delightfully warm yet not too humid weather, and it’s great: You take off your shirt and plan to spend the whole week in your cargo shorts and Jesus sandals. Unfortunately, the weather you’re experiencing represents the hypothermia-induced hallucinations of your dying brain, caused by the severe windchill of the arctic weather that was correctly forecast.
I wish for a holiday
Granted. You get Ramadan. No food or water during daylight hours when you work and are awake. Enjoy.
I wish I knew how to be happy.
The moment you make the wish, you realize you already do know how to be happy, its just your fears that have been holding you back all these years. The genie merely looks at you and leaves without saying a word. Nothing has changed, Wish granted.
I wish I didn’t need to work.
You hear a loud knock on your door, you think to yourself, I just got "SWAT"ed by my stupid gamer friends. LOL
Well … sort of… you regret purchasing all those commercial airplane manuals… at least the trip to Guantanamo only takes a few hours.
I wish Mickey Mouse Club House was not playing in the background
Granted! You now live in an universe where TMBG did the theme song for Barney - only it sounds exactly like the theme song for Barney that we know, as does all their other songs. Also, it’s your kids’ favorite show.
I wish I didn’t have to drive to work.
Granted! Gentrification and automation somehow conspire to replace your company with a Cloud based iPhone app. You relocate to the suburbs of Detroit and get to walk to the public bus stop each morning
I wish I could fly
Granted!
However, the human strength to weight ratio is such that you’ll need an extremely dense atmosphere. You’re in luck, we have a candidate in Sulfur Hexaflouride! And it’s not even toxic! It is however, not oxygen.
Good luck with that breathing thing…
I wish to be uploaded
Granted. Your mind is successfully digitized and stored in a robot body. However, the human brain emulator that allows you to control that body runs at about 1/10,000,000 speed. For every second that you experience, four months pass. You find yourself unable to hold a conversation, to move your body, or to interact with the universe in any meaningful way. After about two years, they shut the experiment down after you finally manage to start screaming.
I wish that politicians did what is best for the country, the world, and the human race, instead of just trying to get re-elected.
Thanks a lot, guy, you just broke the internet!
Granted! “Politicians the world over began to neglect their campaigning and even neglect to nominate themselves for re-election, so transfixed they were on rectifying the immediate and long-term problems of the world. PACs had no further reason to exist. Donald Trump got a haircut and opened an ice-cream stand. The Republican and Democrat parties started to dissolve. Congress and the Senate, and the houses of parliament became empty shells within the space of a few years, with every elected official having left office to focus on their pet projects including saving the whales, building wind turbines, making a human shield on the Palestine-Israel border, distributing food to the starving, blockading new oil wells. And it worked! There was peace in the middle east, CO2 levels stabilised and even began to go into decline, all agriculture was sustainable, gun violence became a memory rather than a daily reality. A new golden age really appeared to be dawning” … you tell your son in his Nestle brand prison uniform in the North Korean Gulag to which you are both condemned as life inmates, sentenced to hard labour building new Google Data Centres - with all politicians abandoning their careers, the only people left wielding power were those who were never elected - the Mega Corporations and your psychopathic and expansionist Dear Leader who seized the power vacuum, and to whom you now owe fealty.
I wish there was a linear-time solution to the discrete logarithm problem
Well, that explains a lot.
Reality can be simplified to make this possible: you can think of it like flattening a sphere into a circle. The result, however, is that in this new reality, Ayn Rand’s reasoning is correct.
I wish I had the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ayn Rand’s reasoning is already correct. But you need to make a wish to keep the thread rolling 
Granted Ayn Rand’s reasoning is correct.
I wish Ayn Rand had born Nikola Teslas childs
Butt wait …I thought it was Corrupt a Wish
