I wish for peace on earth and goodby to men
Thanks for all the Fish
I guess I must have typed that in a moment of perfect contentment.
Granted.
After the men are gone, the last humans die unable to make female sperm a reality (Look it up), There are many promising methods of asexual reproduction in the works but practical implementations are still a few years away and anyway, thereâs no one left to work on the problem anymore.
The earth is finally at peace.
I wish I was rich but not famous.
Granted. You become so unmemorable that people tend to forget what you look like the moment that they lose sight of you. Any relationship that you have ends the moment that the other person loses sight of you; upon seeing you again, they introduce themselves and begin the conversation anew as if theyâd never seen you before.
You quickly discover the benefits of this, and use your utter forgettability to rob banks, clean out jewelry stores, and scam casinos. You make tens of millions of dollars before eventually getting caught, and while you escape the first few times, people eventually catch on that something odd is going on. They assign guards to watch you 100% of the time, explaining who you are to each other every time there is a shift change. You spend the rest of your life imprisoned, forgotten by anyone you have every known or cared about, but with loads of money in your name that you can never spend.
I wish that I could see Wetaâs miniature replica of Minas Tirith from the Lord of the Rings films in person.
6 Likes
Granted! But you get arrested for breaking into WETA studios.
Also, this seems⌠weird. Or cool. What could possibly go wrong?
http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2015/08/indiegogo-group-is-trying-to-raise-funds-to-build.html
I wish all of HBOs shows were on Netflix. I really want to watch the most recent season of GOT now instead of in February or whenever it comes out.
3 Likes
Granted. Youâve now seen the recent season of GOT, so youâre perfectly happy to read about that bit where naaah, I wouldnât do that, would I?>
I wish I had the time and opportunity to play cricket again.
6 Likes
Granted. You are now unemployed. You easily find a place on a local professional cricket team, and quickly become the star player (because no one else on the team has any talent whatsoever). You lose every cricket game that your team ever plays, and eventually, the sponsors all abandon the team as a lost cause. You keep playing, and losing, in the hope that things will turn around and the money will start flowing in so that you can pay your mounting bills. Eventually, you are found in an alley, starved to death, a half-eaten cricket bat by your side.
I wish I could consistently make a decent, flaky pie crust.
6 Likes
Granted. As every baker knows, the flakiest crust comes from using two different types of fat, one vegetable and one animal, and furthermore the best animal fat to use is lard. Meanwhile, Sweeney Todd has moved into your neighborhood. You create a partnership to use the âlardâ from his âshavingsâ. I shall leave the rest of the story as an exercise for the reader.
I wish the weather were nicer today so that we could bike along the lakefront before our guests go back to Germany.
4 Likes
Granted.
The weather is so nice your guests decide to stay. Forever.
The smell of saurbraten fills your house everyday and your guests are too polite to tell you theyâll gladly eat anything else.
I wish I could lose 30 pounds without any effort.
4 Likes
Granted! You are now, effortlessly, losing 30 pounds a week!
Every week.
I wish I could think of a wish.
4 Likes
Granted! Reflexive tautological wish is reflexive tautology, and yet still wishful. Granting it, however, collapses the waveform of your existence in an expanding pink mist divided by zero. But weâll miss you, if the cosmos allows us to remember you at all.
I wish The Dog Haus were 100 yards closer to my office; Iâm famished but loath to take the trouble to empty my pockets and exit past the guardshack just to cross the street.
4 Likes
Granted! Your office is now floating in mid-air, with you in it, directly above the Dog Haus, exactly 100 yards closer than it was before. Good luck getting down.
I wish that all humans had the ability to create and remember perfectly an unlimited number of complex passwords, with no penalty to any other cognitive faculty.
5 Likes
Oh, their buns are quite pillowy; Iâll jump. Itâs getting back up thatâll be the challenge, all bloated on tater tots and a 1/2 pound burger.
Granted! However, nature abhors a vacuum, and software bloat worsens as computers struggle to accommodate the innumerable new passwords that now replace the six or seven currently in use (such as password1234 and sw0rdfish), the internet crashes, the lights go out permanently, the batteries die in everyoneâs electronic combination locks, and you struggle to find the keyring in your jeans pocket as the torch-and-pitchfork bearing mob surges up the steps of your front porch.
I wish Fuller House were actually a 21st century reboot of Sanford and Son.
3 Likes
top the burger with slaw and beans?
2 Likes
Bleccchh. Naw. Lettuce & ketchup.
Slaw. Slaw is forâŚ
Granted! The show is now a reboot of Sanford and Son⌠But it somehow stars the guy from The Room.
I wish for a time machine to travel to all the concerts I wanted to see but missed because I wasnât born yet, wasnât old enough, it was too far away, or whatever.
4 Likes
There was a Steptoe remake?
2 Likes
2 Likes
Granted. Itâs a very precisely calibrated Skynet machine, however, depositing you naked and penniless right in front of the box office just as the SOLD OUT sign is hung in the ticket window. You can just make out the somewhat tinny notes of the opening act through the locked doors.
I wish all you folks could come have dinner tonight with me at the Dog Haus.
5 Likes
