The rules are simple:

I make a wish, and the next person to post finds an ironic way to derive bad consequences from granting the wish, or to otherwise tag a downside to it, and so on and so forth.


[quote=“Person 2”]
granted. you got it real cheap because it was crushed under a giant anvil.

i wish i was the most attractive person in the world[/quote]

[quote="Person 3]
granted. you are the most attractive person in the world, and both sexes now want your body.

i wish i had a big, juicy steak.[/quote]

[quote=“Person 4”]
granted. how’s your diet going?

i wish i was invulnerable to every kind of harm.[/quote]

I’ll start it out with an easy one:

I wish for world piece.

There are more ways to arrange a deck of cards than atoms on Earth
The downside to being preserved for posterity
Man sells machine to make your wishes come true
Comment of the week, 31 July 2015

Granted. Here’s your shiny new W.

I wish for a naughty interlude.


Granted. Here’s your new friends.

I wish for Half-Life 3.


Boy, I can imagine so much worse.


Granted. It only runs on Windows 10. Which you can’t get yet. And sucks worse than Windows 8.

I wish for more wishes.


Here are 3 wishes, caveat, you may only use them to wish for more wishes.

It’s the weekend I would like some waffles.


Enjoy your stale and undercooked,yet somehow still burnt to a crisp, bleached, non-sustainable flour waffles, sourced from countries that pay slave labour wages, slathered in sodium-rich, overly salted faux-maple syrup, bound with heart clogging hydrogenated fats!

I wish for an ironic anti-climax.




I wish to win this game.


You win the game but it continues on anyway and you’re never really sure that you won the game and also there seem to be lots of winners and some of them seem to have won better than you.

I wish for happiness.


Granted…by a French genie who thought you said “A penis”. You now have a penis laying on the ground in front of you. It’s slightly worse than your existing one.

I wish for the ability to teleport.


You are also divinely forbidden from obtaining teleport control.

I wish to go fast.


You may stop eating now

I wish this zit on my nose would pop.


Paint it chartreuse and the rest of your face a charcoal gray.

I wish to wake up tomorrow without extreme aches and pains from the 3 hours of shoveling I did today.


When you wake you will find that the rain has washed away all the snow, and you will also find that your regret over spending the time shoveling outpaces your pain.

I wish I had the power to resist reading columns by David Brooks when everyone is abuzz about him.


Granted… the one time you skip his column, he actually says something deeply insightful…

I wish I had 2 weeks before the semester started instead of one.


Granted, however the week you missed sleeping was the one where all your pansexual fantasies would have come true if you’d been awake.

I wish for the Battlefield 4 servers to stop crashing.


Granted. The Battlefield 4 Servers have been permanently turned off.

I wish there was a new Ultima game that was as enjoyable as Serpent’s Isle, and ran on a hardware/OS I already own.


Curses! Of course, now that’s it’s been proposed as a solution EA are considering it…


Granted, the hardware is your refrigerator, and now you’re malnourished because you can’t open the fridge without becoming engrossed in a game.

I wish for PHP to get an internally self-consistent syntax.