Granted. You are now completely exsanguinated. The bleeding stops.
I wish to be able to see gamma rays, to hear x-rays, and to smell dark matter.
8 Likes
Granted. There being no gamma rays or X-rays present in everyday life, you are now totally blind and profoundly deaf, except for the roaring noise you hear when the doctors try to investigate the cause with an X-ray down at the hospital. But the smell of the decomposing dark matter is overwhelming and inescapableâŠ
I wish I didnât have to go to the shops.
10 Likes
Granted. Your fabulous wealth negates any need for you to ever go to the shops as that is what your servants are for. You also no longer feed, bathe, or dress yourself; nor do you read, watch movies, or appreciate art as you have paid someone to appreciate and summarize these for you. The decent into infantilism is slow, so you do not recognize the ennui until you are powerless to resist it, too bored to even take your own life. You lie miserable and motionless in your own feces as you await a caregiver to come cleanse you.
I wish I could catch a damn fish.
5 Likes
Granted. Your name is Sméagol Gollum, and you are guiding Master on his way to Mordor, but planning to steal the Precious from Master at the first opportunity. Filthy Hobbitses.
I wish for perfect health.
7 Likes
Granted. You live a very long and sniffle-free life amid the murderously jealous masses who resent your physical perfection and would wonder at its cause if anyone could stand to be near you. Who knew such nostril-searing B.O. was so very healthful?
I wish Iâd remembered to spray the Poo-Pourri before Iâd sat down a moment ago.
6 Likes
Phew. Just sat down 10 hours later, and I still wish Iâd done that.
2 Likes
More apples, less steak umms.
2 Likes
Better ventilation would help, too.
3 Likes
I wish Iâd remembered to spray the Poo-Pourri before Iâd sat down a moment ago.
Granted. It now smells like shit and lavender.
I wish to never forget a birthday ever again.
1 Like
But⊠but⊠Poo-Pourri actually worksâŠ!
Granted. You now know, once and for all, absolutely everyoneâs birthday, permanently and irrevocably. And since you know more than 365 friends, family members, schoolmates, colleagues, and acquaintances, you rediscover the mundane fact that every single goddamn day is some assholeâs birthday. At first itâs delightful, knowing youâll never forget to share in these milestones, and you build a dedicated gift-wrapping room at your house. But the joy soon palls, the added milestones become millstones, the merry smile you still wore at your ninetieth singing of âHappy Birthdayâ twists into a horrific Grinchy grimace before summer ends, and you long for the days when you could still use âIâm so sorry I forgot it was todayâ as an excuse to avoid the sentence of having to hoist yet another 40-pound (and apparently bulletproof) piñata out of reach of the swinging shillelagh of another snotnose 7-year-old. The birthdays never end, and youâll never, ever forget them.
For youâre a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.
I wish I had pleasant, well-loved houseguests this weekend. Iâm told there will be a parade.
12 Likes
Granted. Your AirBnB advert is answered by a delightful family from Westboro who are in town for the KKK parades celebrating the election of Trump. The matriarch kisses her little offspring as they chant and wave their placards. You find it touching.
I wish I could sleep.
10 Likes
What? You wanna catch donalditis from @nimelennar? After only 3 days? Sigh⊠okay, granted. Still comfy and restful. Still terminal. But you look so well-rested.
I wish Iâd gotten on our gently-used-but-new-to-us elliptical machine today before midnight. So much for that resolution.
6 Likes
Granted. You have successfully hopped on the elliptical before the curse on it expired, thereby renewing it. Congratulations, you are now one of the six hundred who have been enslaved to the task of keeping the Earth spinning. In a remote outpost in Siberia, someone hops off a treadmill, exhausted, having finally been released in exchange for your sacrifice, and a pedalcizer in KrakĂłw becomes the new cursĂ©d device. Donât worry; as soon as six hundred more exchanges happen, youâll be released again. This generally takes about five years of non-stop exercise. And hey, by the end of it, youâll be in great shape!
I wish that next year, I actually make myself get in shape before ski season so that my legs arenât dead after the first weekend of skiing.
6 Likes
Granted!
Your legs are in-shape! They are fit, toned, massive, heavy, and break through the skis halfway down the first slope, plunging you into a tree well. You are found sometime in the spring.
I wish the weather was better.
9 Likes
Granted. Trump succeeds in cancelling the Paris agreement and the weather gets progressively better, warmer, less rain, less snow, more heat. But the worldâs beaches all are now under two meters of water and you get conscripted into the resource wars to fight for the last arable land before dying of starvation.
I wish I had studied medicine at college
8 Likes
Granted! If only you hadnât flunked outâŠ
I wish I could get paid for these last four days of work by telecommuting, and that all my office stuff magically got delivered to my home.
7 Likes
Granted.
Unfortunately, the effect that teleported your stuff into your home needed a countermass to teleport the other way, and you were it. So you could be paid to work from home, but since youâre not at home, youâre not going to be. Youâre also not going to get paid, because you canât do any work from the office (all of your office stuff is at home). All of your coworkers glare at you for sitting idly while they get actual work done. Youâre also going to be arrested and charged for stealing all of the office stuff thatâs now in your home.
Enjoy your last four days of work jail!
I wish for 2017 to be better for everyone than 2016 was.
7 Likes
Granted! David Bowie does not die in 2017!
I wish I could think of a better wish.
10 Likes
Granted. You think of the best wish, but youâre still not getting it.
I wish I spoke more languages.
10 Likes
Granted. You now speak Assembler, Python, Perl, C++, and a dozen other programming languages. However, you have lost the ability to speak or write in English or any other languages designed for communication between humans.
I wish for a heated driveway, so that I donât have to salt or shovel it.
10 Likes
