Granted! You’d be the envy of all your snow-shoveling neighbors if the magma didn’t keep melting your tires.
I wish I had some chewy chocolate chip cookies.
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Oh they are chewy allright. Just like that piece of gristle from the roadside diner’s “Sirloin Special” You chew and chew and chew, but it never gets any better.
I wish I didn’t have this headache.
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Granted. The ache is gone. So is the rest of the head.
I wish that my job required less bureaucracy.
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Granted! Although why anybody would want to deal with the LESS bureaucracy for work is beyond me.
I wish I had enough time to make split-pea soup.
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Granted! However, since you are now out of a job, you have PLENTY of time to make split-pea soup…
I wish I wasn’t turning 40 soon.
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Granted. Oh well, at least you made it to 2017, you will be missed.
I wish my dog would stop jumping the fence.
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Granted. But every night it fills you with dread to see your dog assemble the ladder used to escape the fence. It’s not so much the unaturalness of a dog building a ladder, it’s the look it gives you each night just before it disappears into the darkness to do who knows what.
I wish I had more coffee.
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Granted! You win a lifetimes supply of roast beans and freeze-dried coffee. But due to an unappreciated quirk of physical chemistry, water now boils at 45C. Good luck brewing anything.
Or: http://boingboing.net/2017/01/04/this-self-brewing-mug-is-reinv.html
I wish I could speak Portuguese
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Granted. You are now able to speculate all day about how you’d make your living in your imaginary economies.
Granted. Due to a long, convoluted story involving astral time-travel, bleeding trees, three-eyed ravens, and zombies, you are no longer able to vocalize any word other than “Portugese.”
I wish to be able to work at a computer all day without getting a headache.
[Edit: replied to @tachin1 instead of @anon68287401’s first comment]
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Granted. You are now a luddite and an accountant, here´s your computer:
I wish the next door neighbor’s dog would stop rattling that fence.
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Is he trying to build a ladder?
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I was going to just let this go but… Welcome to bOiNGbOiNG! Here we read hundreds of articles about cold brewing the most delicious coffees!
(I believe this one indicates you have no excuse…)
And this total lie:
You get a free do-over on corrupting my wish.
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I’m going to go make some coffee now.
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Fine… Granted! You win a lifetimes supply of the highest quality coffee beans that you can brew at whatever temperature you please.
You spill the first cup on your new jeans! What a terrible stain. It won’t come out.
I wish that universal basic income was implemented
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That sounds eerily familiar, are you following me?
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It is, in Finland. That was an easy wish to grant.
I wish for heaven to be real, and for everyone who deserves it to get in.
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Poof! Your wish is granted. Pious people get in however you don’t. You know what you did. 
I wish that they didn’t make mild and medium cheddar cheese. I mean, why waste all that milk?
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Granted! It’s day after day of watching those on Earth do what Earthlings do. Yeah you get to see your kids as grandparents, and their grandkids as grandparents … but soon enough, you’re 10 generations deep and getting a bit overwhelmed keeping track of it all. 2000 years later – some 60 generations after you – you’ve got way too mny descendants to track and half the girls are named Edith and Gladys (the names came back around). You get to watch whatever you want – but tired of being a voyeur long ago, plus watching your hot great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter do whatever she does is pretty creepy and it’s hard to find someone who most definitely is not your descendant without getting permission from the authorities to dig into someone’s past. So have fun watching a shitty version of Big Brother for all eternity. Well – until the sun does what suns do and earth is no longer a place anything can live. Then you literally have to stare into space.
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Dude, that’s seriously meta to stealth edit a post on somebody about developing paranoia.
Did I ever tell you about C3PO’s silver leg?
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