Damn! A swing and a miss for Petersen!
1 Like
Granted: The definition of one year has been changed to 24 hours. Enjoy the rest of your life.
I wish for an undamaged CODE keyboard.
Granted. You wished for an undamaged CODE keyboard, and so there is one. It just doesnât belong to you.
Seriously though, if you want one, I know a guy⌠
I wish I had a pony!
Granted. Unfortunately, it is not a living pony and the bottom has dropped out of the horse equivalent of the veal market. And your freezer isnât big enough.
Your neighbors (whiney!)âno matter how far your nearest may beâhave started talking to you. At least you think itâs supposed to be talking. Itâs hard to tell with the pitch forks, fire, and old monster movie music. You have the strangest desire to speak in a funny accent and perhaps flee Transylvania. But you are not in Transylvania so the feeling can never go away. Unless you go there and then come back. You fear going to Transylvania more than anything. Except boy bands covering Nickelback songs.
Wait, that was me.
I wish there was no Nickelback.
Iâm not even going to try to corrupt that wish.
I also wish there were no Nickelback.
5 Likes
Yeah, that sounds pretty incorruptible. UnlessâŚ
When the Kroegers found indifferent success as a teenage rock band called âThe Village Idiots,â they had the brilliant idea to form a boy band instead. Six bubblegum albums, two Christmas EPs, and 3,700 magazine covers later, theyâve gone into Canadian politics while their boyish good looks still serve them. Their political beliefs make Donny Osmond, Kirk Cameron, and Ted Nugent look like Maynard James Keenan, King Diamond, and Sarah MacLachlan (respectively). Together they chair many prominent and influential committees in the House of Commons, and millions of blinkered Canadians (who, in another, gentler world may have ended up being merely legions of crap-rock fans) are ready to follow those Kroegers into Total Domination of the Western World.
Thanks, Ignatius and Jonas. Next time, just bust a cue stick over the jukebox and save the world from a darker alternate fate.
I wish there were more Wild Cherry Lifesavers and fewer grapefruit-flavored ones.
4 Likes
God damn it. It wasnât enough to make me regret my wish, you had to make me regret even thinking of it. Well played, Donald.
2 Likes
Granted: There is now one grapefruit flavored lifesaver, and two wild cherry ones, both flavors are being discontinued.
I wish @beschizza would permanently develop elf-ears.
2 Likes
Granted. @beschizza has developed a set of elf ears. Interestingly, they did not grow from from his previous ears - instead, they appeared on either ankle.
I wish that I didnât have to sleep.
1 Like
Granted.
You have discovered ONE WEIRD trick to never needing sleep that works only for you. Yes, as long as you are listening to Nickleback you can stay awake as long as you like.
I wish for one person, and only one, to click the like button on this post. Whether they actually like it or not is immaterial to me.
7 Likes
Granted. There are currently 2 likes on your post, however one of those likes was by a man. Men are no longer considered people but rather chattel. The matriarchy oppresses us!
I wish I had bought about $50 worth of Bitcoin when I first heard about it (when the price was pennies) and held onto it until now.
4 Likes
Granted, you bought 0.0001 bitcoins for 50 bucks from some swindler who told you they were worth 10 thousand dollars a piece.
After being ripped off like that you refused to buy any more bitcoins even though you had the ability to simply spend another 50 bucks and get 65,000 bitcoins at the october 2008 prices.
Congratulations, you could have owned 65 million dollars worth of bitcoins instead you are holding on to $5 worth of bitcoin.
I wish we could find a way of corrupting wishes without being mean 
3 Likes
Granted. Corrupting wishes is now a cruel and inhumane process that typically involves torture and loss of fingernails. Now, instead of disappointment physical harm comes to the wisher. So thanks a lot for that.
I wish they had never decided to do those Smurf movies.
I donât even have to grant this, those movies were always a manifestation of mental illness restricted to your poor, sick mind. The delusion is so complete you will never escape it; you will never be able to convince yourself that those movies never existed. And yet, they never did.
I wish to have one ear. A big, giant one that I can wrap around myself like a cape.
4 Likes
Granted. The hammer and anvil in your monster ear are so large that they have a practical application for blacksmithing. Plus, you can hear so well that you can hear peoplesâ thoughts. On the other hand, hats are so expensive that you have gone broke.
@Medievalist, I like the way you think.
I wish that Vermin Supreme would be elected president.
1 Like
Granted. Trouble is, motivated by a mixture of alliteration and affirmative action, he selected Vermithrax Pejorative as his running mate.
Ten minutes after the inauguration, the Vice President roasted and swallowed her nominal boss, and thus, through a Constitutional succession clause that shamefully leaves open to interpretation the illegality of eating oneâs Presidential predecessor, ascended to the Oval Office. The rest would be history, if any paper remained unincinerated upon which to write it.
I wish I could be Vermithrax Pejorative on Inauguration Day.
3 Likes
Granted. You just ate Vermin Supreme. Unfortunately, there was so much weed and shrooms in his system at the time that when you went back to your cave beneath the White House, all of your dragon friends look like humans. Which really, like, freaked you out, man. You sober up, but get a horrible stomachache from that harmless but addictive substance in his toothpaste. Being in pain, and a dragon, you accidentally burn down the Capitol Building, killing all of Congress. You are cheered forever as an American hero.
I wish that I were Captain Malcolm Reynolds.
3 Likes
Granted. But, true to the canon, for the rest your days you endure the frustration of never, ever, no way, no how, transcending the palpable sexual tension between you and Inara Serena. And thus you spend most of your remaining years in your bunk.
I wish I were born appreciably younger so that I could have been a digital native. According to that pew quiz thingee, Iâm over 90% millennial, I deserve the time to enjoy it.
2 Likes
Granted, but now you only care about One Direction, Jennifer Lawrence, and Bendlywitch Cumberbund.
I wish I had a working gun from Firefly.
5 Likes
Granted. You have a working gun from the world of Firefly. Unfortunately, it wasnât shown in the TV show or the movie, and was found on the planet shown at the beginning of the episode âOur Mrs. Reynolds.â You know, the backwards planet where Jayne got the rain stick? Yeah, someone found it in the mud. It works though. Unfortunately, itâs programmed to only work when the ownerâs fingerprints are recognized on the trigger, and the ownerâs dead. Good luck.
I wish that Wash hadnât died.
2 Likes
