Dear @Falcor,
I’ve recently killed a man (in self-defense, I swear!) and need to dispose of the body. What do you recommend?
-JUST KILLED A MAN IN ONTARIO
I should know better than to read comment sections on these sites by now. Any time there’s a comment like this where you feel “hmm, that’s a little harsh”, you get a storm of men’s rights activists shouting about double standards and misandry.
Well, you know, how dare non-men want to be treated equally… us women-folk need to learn our place, which I gather generally involves sandwhiches, enthusiatic blow jobs, never looking less than perfect, and oh yeah, shutting up…
That’s just what I hear.
Dear @Falcor — I have some left over chicken, some rice, some noodles and I think probably some veggies… Maybe there is tomato based sauce hanging around. Add that to a picky family. What should I feed them tonight?
-Tired of the same thing for dinner in the south
Geez. Fine. I’ll get rid of the beard. But only after someone helps me get rid of this corpse.
I refuse to take advice from anyone in the anti-beard faction.
Dear @Falcor ,
My baby is turning out to be the worst roommate ever. She makes constant demands, keeps us up all night, and refuses to pay her share of the mortgage. How should we deal with this problem?
Sincerely,
Mommy Dearest
I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.
Any question I could submit to Dear Abby (or Falcor) has already been answered by John Prine.
She has given voice to my inner sarcavatar. I love.
I cannot believe you forgot about making pie. And babbies. But it’s only the pie we’ll love.
You don’t know? Oops, your ignorance is showing.
How do they feel about mystery meat?
Dear @falcor,
During a particularly frustrating evening babysitting, I wished that the goblins would take my baby brother away. The Goblin King won’t give him back and my parents will be back soon. What should I do?
Please help!
Eternally Stenchy.
Have you tried joining the drama club? Make sure to repeat your lines over and over again.
Dear Falco,
What did Vienna call about?
Dear @Falcor,
I once fell in love here on the BBS, but now my crush won’t return my messages. My darling used to write about cars, bad 80s metal, and mullets. I could tell there was true passion by the writing, which was always…at great length.
But now, gone. Off and chasing the siren song of Hollywood, leaving me alone in the desert.
Please advise,
ABANDONED IN THE WASTELAND
Do you feel like you’re lacking closure?
