Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2018/10/09/embezzler-very-sorry.html
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I’'m sorry right now.
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“We’ve got space for FOUR bullet points. Fill the screen!”
“I’m sorry boss, this story has no fucking legs. Dude took <$5000 over several years. He’s penitent. What more do you want?”
“Put in a pull quote! AND GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN!”
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I used to be the guy who made these kind of graphics at a local station… Yeah, the producer/journalist gives you shit like this and you just make it happen…
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Meanwhile on Wal*Street…
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Video of accused adds some questions:
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Is that Pee-wee Herman in a Cheech and Chong movie or the other way around?
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The former. Some of his first work.
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Also the waiter in Blues Brothers
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I’m Grey_Devil, nice to meet you Sorry.
PS: Sorry for the dad joke
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Roger That!
Dear Mr. Manager,
Thank you for allowing me to write this note to you. I wrote it myself yesterday afternoon and evening and nobody has seen it except for Charlie, my former roommate, whom you would recognize as the homeless guy that sleeps in the dumpster next to the store.
I have been accused of embezzling $3,000.00 from your store. I demanded a hearing immediately, but instead it was leaked to the press, and in the ten days since, my family and my name have been totally and permanently destroyed by vicious and false additional accusations. I blame Hilary Clinton and a shadowy cabal of Social Justice Bookkeepers.
I have submitted to you detailed calendars recording my activities the last several years. Why did I keep them? Mmmm… something to do with my dad and…um… Christmas? Anyway, you will see that there is no way that I could have embezzled your money because whenever I was working at the store and would have had access to the cash register, I was simultaneously at church. Also, I was delivering Meals on Wheels at the time. These are incontrovertible facts because they are written on my calendar (see above) IN PEN.
I don’t doubt that you were robbed, because you say you were robbed and being robbed is horrible. I have many friends who have been robbed, and when I think about that, I think that it is horrible. I am VERY SORRY that you were robbed, but as you can see, there is no way it could have been me that robbed you because I was at church while I was working.
I have suffered enough. My reputation has been destroyed and I may never be able to coach my dog’s agility team again. Since it was your store that was robbed, it is your fault that my reputation is a shambles, and you should make me whole again by promoting me to shift manager, or firing your bookkeeper and letting me handle your accounts.
Thank You,
BK
P.S. - I would also like to state at this time that I have nothing to do with the strangely violated cantaloupes that have been appearing near the magazine rack.
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I think the embezzler has suffered enough.
Wait, he’s white, right?
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Bullet points are just intrinsically funny, in the peculiar quaaludey way that most things that happen in offices are funny when looked at from any other perspective.
I can’t quite put my finger on it but I always giggle when I see someone giving a talk and the PowerPoint reveals their key phrases as bullet points as they are spoken aloud
[a SLIDE SHOW in the background displays the bullet points “giggle”, “giving talk” and “reveals key phrases”]
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