Florida man insists he only drank at stop signs

Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2018/10/03/florida-dui-driver-insists-he.html


Good thing he thought it through. Imagine the carnage if he had only stopped at drink signs.


Dude clearly has the qualifications and personal qualities for a seat on the Supreme Court.


I’m fairly certain that many a Florida man has used this excuse. No joke.


Look, was he “drinking AND driving”? No, clearly not. First he was driving, then he stopped and had a drink, then he drove again-- never at the same time. Duh.


Something about better than McDonald’s at home, but I don’t know. He was already brown-bagging it.


Hmmmm…and did the address check out?


I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve been told a person can get busted for drunk driving for just being in the driver seat of a parked car while drunk. The keys don’t even have to be in the ignition.


No, he stopped when told to.


It’s true, it happened to my BIL’s ex.


You can be arrested for walking down the street “drunk”. You can also be arrested and tried for being drunk if a cop decides that you are drunk, even if a breathalyzer clears you.


I take my hands off the wheel when I take a drink.

That’s good enough, right?


All right, boys and girls, its time to sing along:

Florida Man, Florida Man~
Set fire to a garbage can
Is he high? Is he drunk?
Seems that he just fucked a skunk
Dear god, here comes Florida Man!

Is he mad? Listen, lad
He did a strip tease in a taxi cab
His exploits go beyond the pale
And it seems he’s too fat for jail
Oh no, there goes Florida Man!

He’ll bite off his broooother’s dick
For a DBZ blanket that he fucked
Then catch a marijuaaaana brick
'Cause I guess that’s his luck

Florida Man, Florida Man~
Drove to Waffle House in a stolen van
Claims his cat downloaded child porn
Cops found drugs when he honked his horn
And he’ll
Vape another man’s semen
Eat your face to escape a demon
Hide inside his ass a key, man!
Run 'cause it’s Florida Maaaan~



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Before I got down to the Spider-Man image, I was trying to fit the lyrics to ‘Particle Man’.


Many moons ago I was arrested by an Ohio state trooper at three in the morning after blowing .08 on the button. The walking penis had pulled me over for going five over on a stretch of I-76 with zero other humans on the road. Of course by the time we got to the barracks where I could be given the LPN-administered admissible test, my BAC was down to .070, so I could not be charged. That piece of shit knew this the whole time, of course, but he just haaaad to fuck with me. When he handed me the speeding ticket (it’s now 4 am, and I most certainly would’ve been in bed sans intervention) I lost any fear of him, looked him right in the face and flipped him the bird, turned around, and walked out. He must’ve been too surprised to react, I dunno, but I walked out of the barracks and straight to the car, where a long-gone beau was waiting out the debacle, and he never came after me. (*very aware that white privilege played a part here, however my ‘appearance’ generally earned me no favors from cops iykwim.)

A month or so later when I showed up in court to contest the speeding ticket, I told the judge exactly what went down. He summarily dismissed the ticket, and I only wound up paying court fees.

If that stupid cop had pulled me over five minutes earlier when I was cruising at 110, he coulda pulled my license on the spot. I highly doubt I’ll ever drive an SLK 55 again, but I’ll always remember it.


@beschizza That is the coolest magic eye poster I’ve ever seen! It didn’t work for me until I blew it up to full screen size.

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I don’t think you can get a dui while walking down the street. But, if you realize you shouldn’t be driving and so you sleep in your car in a parking lot, you are driving under the influence.