Donald Trump is still president elect.
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Not for much longer, if it helps.
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Well, not much, since then he’ll be president.
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Warning: depressingly high number
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This was until last Tuesday, and some of it still is, my world. Not to diminish your FT, but least your mole’s not on your face, like mine was. Pathology results of the biopsy are pending. I have fortunately a hairstyle that covers most of the bandage. Unsolicited advice: agree beforehand what you and the surgeon like to listen to for music, if at least one of you states a request for a relaxed environment in the “surgery room.”
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I’m going to have to change meds again – this just isn’t working. I’m on the lowest dosage of the medication with another for my mood, but it’s worse than before. Two nights ago I was just watching a quiet movie with my family all evening, and wasn’t exercising or stressing out about anything at all. My mood was all over the place and my BP was just over 160/100, a couple of hours after I felt really bad and was having chest pain (so it was probably higher). This morning it was down to about 120/80, which is still higher than normal. Now it’s back up to 150/90. I’ve still got MRSA, so I can’t go to the clinic and my psychiatrist is on holiday.
I don’t know any more; I just seem to overreact to any medication before I even see the positive effects. This was supposed to help me earn more, but I’ve earned a third less for the last two years. I’ve lost contracts with good companies that I worked hard to get, and now we have a debt collection agency on our back. Meanwhile I don’t feel like I’m any closer to a solution and I’m wondering whether I’m going crazy.
And I still can’t concentrate.
I hate medications so much. So. Much.
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That sucks. I have the problem where I seem to be… resistant? to many meds. The dosages that start to yield results come with heavy side effects, so I take the bare minimum to function (not offered as advice, I’m lucky I can function without albeit at a cost, but in empathy).
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Trump is still president elect and the Sessions hearings are a fucking shitshow of him lying through his teeth and people getting tossed out for calling him out on his lies.
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And it’s been a year since David Bowie died.
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Which one?
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That’s terrible, and I’m very sorry. It can take a really long time to find the right combination of medication(s) and dosage that yield workable results.
And that time can be hard to come by.
Take it slow; know that we’re here.
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All of them.
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I was reading the article on cracked.com the other day on Trump’s new cabinet. Much of it wasn’t surprising to me as a regular reader here on BB where much of this is well trod ground but one thing that did strike me was this observation about Sessions: that he was somehow too racist for 1980s Congress and not progressive enough for 1980s Alabama. I would laugh if this wasn’t so damned depressing.
I’m just waiting for Michael Milken to be appointed head of the SEC at this point.
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Really missing my dad right now after his unexpected loss. I’m constantly seeing things I wish I could talk to him about and with all the Trumpshit going on right now I’d sure love to hear his take on what’s going on as I’m sure he’d have some clever insights to share. We didn’t talk a lot in recent years as we were both very private and anti-social (which I always found ironic given how he would frequently travel for speaking engagements and seemed to know literally everbody in the counterculture scene) so I’m just filled with regrets and sadness right now.
I would frequently send him links to stories here on BB. Aside from using computers as a tool for writing, research, and e-mail he was never particularly technologically savvy – but I imagine he would have liked the BBS and you fine folks here just as I do.
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No 2017, 2016 is not a good role model.
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And MRSA?
Jesus, man. I’m bummed to hear about all this. I know you say that you feel that you can’t concentrate–and I’m not going to refute that, you know your inner life better than anyone–but judging by your posts, it seems that your brain does have periods of focused thought.
I hear ya on the med-go-round, though it sounds like you’ve had an especially rough ride. I hope your family and friends are cushioning the hardest blows for you.
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Me too. Mine was a hardass about a lot of things, and I don’t think he particularly believed in me most of the time, but he was also one of the best ‘active listeners’ I’ve known. He did not excel in empathy or kindness, I think it was an intellectual exercise for him, listening, and deep conversation from him could be a real challenge, but sometimes, like now, I’d give anything to bend his ear and get a piece of hard-ass advice.
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So, Fuck Today.
I had a nominally good day. Went out to the city for a tea-date that I was asked on by a kind, thoughtful, smart woman.
And I thought about my ex altogether too much during it. I thought about her two-faced nonsense. I thought about her very heavy-duty manipulations. I thought about her arguing tactics, and how she would then accuse me of playing semantics. I think about all of the simple responsibilities between people that she would lapse on in order to start a fight so she could tell me how angry a person I clearly am. I thought about her kids who lost their father and who I loved more dearly than I can even manage to really think about - as they were ripped from my existence so my ex could once again turn the tables on me when she had acted very poorly… I think about the conversation i had with her when I asked if we could work together on how to encourage and teach the kids how to be more honest and less manipulative, and that THAT is likely the moment that she went from just devaluing me to actually discarding me - I meant to ask how we could help them grow up to be less conflict oriented, and what she heard was how we could help them to grow up to be less like her.
I think about who they are going to grow up to be. I think about how their mom turned out (fantastically funny and talented in public, brutal mocking authoritarian in private)
I didn’t ignore my date today, but I imagine I was less than awesome company. I think I should feel awful about that, but I wasn’t talking about my ex, and honestly I think my date had fun, but my heart was nowhere near in it. This sucks, I hate this. Fuck this ruminating nonsense.
One the upside, I got to see Elizabeth Warren.
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That sounds so frustrating.
You do well. I hope you can work it out. We can arrange some easy to concentrate on .gif threads if you need. 
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