“By mating with foriegners?” WTF kind of phrasing is that? I really hope there was something lost in translation, because that sounds awful…
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Original is “pariutumalla ulkomaalaisen kanssa” it’s correct Finnish but I don’t if anybody really uses pariutuminen in everyday coversations. Sometimes people might use parittelu when talking about sex but that usually refers to animals mating.
Pariutumalla = “to mate” or maybe “to pair up”
ulkomaalaisen = foreigner
kanssa = with
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That is how it reads in English, “mating” is usually used to refer to animals, hence the raised hackles in its use here.
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today, i witnessed the power of narcissism first hand.
a person who’s slowly ingratiated themselves into a group. finding little conflicts here and there to exacerbate. always re-interpreting statements and actions that don’t involve them to be about themselves. finding people who will sympathize with them, or using people’s inclinations to paper over bad feelings. agreeing to do things to get praise and generate good feelings, and then using those good feelings to farm out the work of actually doing the things.
today they managed to launch a salvo, deliberately misunderstanding something, and using long standing in-group politics to set one part of the group against another part of the group.
sociologically, it’s fascinating. calling them out directly ( or even indirectly ) immediately means they get to say “see what i mean”, and to not call them out means that one part of the group steamrolls the other part of the group on that person’s behalf. they don’t even have to do anything, they get to just sit back!
having it happen to you, on the other hand, is terrifying.
nobody ever taught me how to deal with a narcissist.
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Unfortunately that’s true for many of us… happened to a friend of mine, when one of our group decided she wanted her partner of 20 years… And guess what happened.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and I’m sorry I have no good advice to offer.
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thanks for sharing that.
it helps in a way to know that other people have gone through things like this. it also sucks to know that other people have gone through things like this.
i’m sorry for you and your friend’s situation. that’s really rough. 
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It was… she’s getting better, but it’s tough losing someone in such a shitty way after so long.
But some people are just out for themselves. It really sucks.
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I was raised by and with narcissists and tried to maintain healthy relationships for 4 decades before realizing that the only healthy way to deal with a narcissist is not to deal with a narcissist.
If that is not an option, anything you can do to strengthen personal boundaries seems to help. And promoting transparency within the social group, if they are the type who can handle that. Like, I had a narcissist friend (it becomes a life habit until you break free) who did what you describe about a living situation. A sly comment here about who paid what for what, another poison pill there about same. It was working, and one day I just called a house meeting with a flip chart and got it all down on paper. There was no actual issue… but the narcissist did end up driving out the person she was attempting to drive out in the end. 
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that’s really good advice.
i think their actions may result in somebody leaving. it’s possible it would have happened anyway because they managed to accidentally uncover ( and exacerbate, granted ) some long standing personality conflicts.
that said, being transparent and also not rearranging life to placate or avoid them, seems like the best way forward
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Also, I realize I didn’t say it in my initial response, because I often mistakenly assume that it’s just implied that we care for each other and want what’s best, but as @anon61221983 accurately states:
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. It’s a form of gaslighting, but your experience and feelings are real and valid. Sending internet hugs, or the pandemic-appropriate alternative.
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It occurs to me that 2020 is unfolding like an extremely annoying infomercial.
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Don’t get me started on watching TV the other day and seeing the Sham Wow guy hawking face masks.
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I’m in LAX right now, watching people watch the coverage of the Trump rally, especially of the health risks/maskless behavior. A good fraction of the people around me at the gate are not wearing masks (which is mandatory at LAX), watching the coverage apparently unironically.
I still feel safer than I did yesterday, as KLM packed us like sardines into a teeny tiny plane from OSL to AMS. I can’t understand why there are so many people traveling right now; don’t they know there’s a pandemic in progress? If I wasn’t approaching the end of a limited residence permit (and lease) I certainly wouldn’t be braving travel at this time.
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Fucking nazi scum!
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Well, it’s our 15th anniversary and the plan was to spend a couple of days in Italy around that date.
The reality is that we’ve been holed up in our respective countries since February.
It’s necessary and okay as such, but on some days it’s less easy to accept than on others.
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I had to quit my job at the university due to attacks of a man who seemed to have sociopatic/narcisstic tendencies. At one point during a scientific conference he came to my room at 2 am, woke me up, and watched as some drunk(?) woman that came with him shouted at me for god knows what, I had to immediately leave the conference. After a few months of attacks I completely lost the will to live. I resigned more than a year ago but the pain is still there. I work as furniture maker now and I gave up on scientific work. All the effort that went into getting PhD was completely useless, but at least I am still alive, because of support from my family.
That’s horrible beyond words, it looks like some kind of incel ideology.
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No thank you, I don’t want a sequel. One series was enough.
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You and me both! I think this is just how we are made and not something to be sad about. Be proud of the work you’ve done before this to be more social and have more personal contacts. If you are like me, it was work.
I’m sorry your family is acting foolishly. As I have had to tell myself all this week- they are adults and get to fuck up their own lives. A relative of mine went back to her abusive husband after we had helped her get out and stay away for 4 months.
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Damn. Cycles of abuse are hard to break, especially when the good times are really good, and sentimentality starts in, and…pow. I have empathy and sympathy for you and your relative.
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