Yeah. I don’t know what else to do but keep communication open and hope. We (spouse and I) told her we thought it was a terrible idea but haven’t laid into to her and urged others in our family to accept her decison and move on as much as possible. Rage and vent to eachother but not her, so she doesn’t feel alienated from our end. He already tried to carve her away from us.
ETA: our kid is 3 and pretty sensitive. I had to explain her dad was angry but not with her. Then i had to explain her relative had gone back to the man who broke her heart (that’s how we explained her sudden presence in our house). Her dad was keeping his anger under control of course, but she picks up on our moods. When she asked “but mommy, why would she do that? We love her and he is a villian!” My heart hurt so much.
Yeah, it’s heartbreaking to gently explain to kids that some people hurt others on purpose.
Good luck. We’re 0 for 2 here in trying to help people break that cycle. Both went back to their abusers, one ended up in the hospital and to this day claims it was a random mugging, not the boyfriend, who fractured her skull.
I can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, and it is heartbreaking.
Back when I was trained for this sort of thing – in the 1980’s – we were told that it took an average of 7 years from the first time someone left their abusive spouse/partner to when they actually broke free for good.
Frustrating, and scary, but it’s better to know what you’re up against. It is very hard to free oneself from domestic abuse.
Well fuck.
Any other tips you could give me to maximize the chance she will leave him for good?
You have to keep reassuring her that you will help her every time – without judgment – and that just because she’s gone back 7 times already this year, she can STILL CALL YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to come get her for the 8th time.
Showing no judgment is crucial, because she already feels 2 inches tall.
That’s what I’ve been doing. She was somewhere near my best friends, so if all else failed the male and his very large brothers could extract her on short notice. But the family rumormill has her in Florida now. I haven’t asked her for her location. Just told her I love her and our home is always open to her. Gave the survivor I put her into contact with a heads up and asked her to keep her own communication lines open.
I really regret not offering to pay for an IUD while she was out.
Well, it took me til my 18th birthday to escape my emotionally and mentally abusive mother, only to go right into the arms of an abusive husband. 15 years later, we escaped. I would have still been there, if I wouldn’t have seen a welt on my kid. Abuse me, ok, but abuse our kid? HELLS NO.
Lots of therapy later, we’re good, and wary.
Sometimes it takes someone else getting hurt. Sometimes it’s just them knowing there ARE people that will help. Education helps. There are apps for sneakily calling the cops or a ride if needed.
Being willing to take her in and giving her emotional support and just being a friend is unfortunately the best thing you can do.
I can’t give this enough love.
eta:
Fuck abusers.
It was the same way for the survivor I put her into contact with. Is survivor the right term? I don’t want to offend. She’s pretty open about her own experiences and I hoped she would provide a perspective I and her family can’t.
Thank you and @anon67050589 for your advice and support. I’ve read a lot about abuse to try and understand but so much of what I’ve found focuses on the danger and warning signs. It’s too late for that.
I call myself a survivor. I don’t know what the “official” term is, but anyone who gets out of the cycle of abuse is a survivor in my book.
A 12 point deduction will put them bottom of the Championship.
I am not a Wigan fan, but I will stand with any team who are in this situation.
Die in a god damn fire, 2020…
This is seriously the worst year I’ve lived through thus far…
And it just keeps going.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it just seems like one thing after another this year…
Maybe this should be our collective anthem…
And only at the half-way mark. Fuck today indeed.
