Get the most functional adult in your life an official Adult Award


#1

[Read the post]


#2

“most functional adult”

Who wants that when I can be me?


#3

Not to be confused with the “best adultery” award.


#4

I’d like a ribbon celebrating the passage of one’s mid-life crisis. Or is that more deserving of a trophy?


#5

Don’t most people think it’s a sports car?


#6

Or an attempt at the adultery award?


#7

Hey, some of us can only afford a ribbon.


#8

Can I get one that says, “You Paid Bills!”? Or, " Your Bathroom is Clean!"


#9

Trophy husband?


#10

Ah, adulthood. Where keeping up with the logistical demands of baseline functionality is right at the edge of your available stamina; and it never gets easier with practice…

I remember naively assuming, as a child, that one would somehow grow into the role. It turns out that the role just gets dumped on you and you either Sisyphus on; or just fall off the rails; but there is no secret, no change, no realization. Just one day after another; simultaneously overflowing with demands and void of objectives.


#11

Maybe a small trophy of a sports car?

Only $9.95 from Schoppy’s.


#12

The funniest transition–and perhaps our subconscious communal laugh–is yes, there is a time you don’t have to wear pants. Then there is a time you must wear pants. Then a time where pants are optional.

I’m at the optional stage. But I forsee another couple rides on this merry go round.


#13

f(x)=adult


#14

I suggest the Trophy of Perpetual Futility.


I think there's a subliminal message at play here.

The Adulting Honorable Mention award is deep teal with gold lettering.

The I Wore Pants Today award is a dark forest green with gold lettering.


#15

Do the pants have to make it all the way on for it to count?


#16

Yes, all the way onto the top of your head.


#17

On both legs?

I wear the pants in our relationship, although tomorrow it’s my wife’s turn. We should really get around to buying a second pair.


#18

And this is exactly why…


#19

Dorthy Gambrell is literally the best… Literally.


#20

Unfortunately, not literally enough to absolve you of responsibility.