Get the most functional adult in your life an official Adult Award


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“most functional adult”

Who wants that when I can be me?


Not to be confused with the “best adultery” award.


I’d like a ribbon celebrating the passage of one’s mid-life crisis. Or is that more deserving of a trophy?


Don’t most people think it’s a sports car?


Or an attempt at the adultery award?


Hey, some of us can only afford a ribbon.


Can I get one that says, “You Paid Bills!”? Or, " Your Bathroom is Clean!"


Trophy husband?


Ah, adulthood. Where keeping up with the logistical demands of baseline functionality is right at the edge of your available stamina; and it never gets easier with practice…

I remember naively assuming, as a child, that one would somehow grow into the role. It turns out that the role just gets dumped on you and you either Sisyphus on; or just fall off the rails; but there is no secret, no change, no realization. Just one day after another; simultaneously overflowing with demands and void of objectives.


Maybe a small trophy of a sports car?

Only $9.95 from Schoppy’s.


The funniest transition–and perhaps our subconscious communal laugh–is yes, there is a time you don’t have to wear pants. Then there is a time you must wear pants. Then a time where pants are optional.

I’m at the optional stage. But I forsee another couple rides on this merry go round.




I suggest the Trophy of Perpetual Futility.

I think there's a subliminal message at play here.

The Adulting Honorable Mention award is deep teal with gold lettering.

The I Wore Pants Today award is a dark forest green with gold lettering.


Do the pants have to make it all the way on for it to count?


Yes, all the way onto the top of your head.


On both legs?

I wear the pants in our relationship, although tomorrow it’s my wife’s turn. We should really get around to buying a second pair.


And this is exactly why…


Dorthy Gambrell is literally the best… Literally.


Unfortunately, not literally enough to absolve you of responsibility.