“Shake It Out” makes me feel like a superhuman.
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As a weekend warrior game dev, I have to say, you’re closer than you think! I haven’t released anything to the wild, but even making something small and interactive I find so incredibly satisfying. I always feel like a sorcerer’s apprentice when something actually works. Chunked out into development goals (e.g. make a character move! Make the baddies move!), you really can find thrilling sub-accomplishments within a larger project. Crucially for me is also the fact that writing code, thinking about next steps, project flow, and coding problems has been an incentive for me to keep my mind clear.
I’m working in javascript and createjs now (as an actionscript 3 orphan) but check out Unity if you haven’t. It’s free until you make any money from your creations, and it really helps you get off the ground, with box2D integrated, and a full-fleshed out GUI. Plus you can publish to almost every platform if you want to.
I imagine getting into programmable robotics stuff is even more fun, and certainly more 'hands-on" but requires that additional meatspace investment.
In any case, if you do make something, share!
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FIrstly good on you. I’m a big fan of brugs but there are some classes that are so powerful that they make people slaves to finding and using them.
Forgot who said it - maybe Mindysan - but if you do need something to do with your hands then I highly recommend origami. It’s got a low barrier to learning, is extremely meditative, involves excessive use of your hands and you end up with something cool in the end. The modular designs are the best for consuming time. The one I make frequently requires 30 individually-folded pieces that slot together to create an awesome design. This instructables page tells you how to make it, but the sky’s the limit - people are constantly inventing new and even more mind-blowing designs.
If you’ve got a mathematical mind and ability with photoshop you can actually print custom-made paper that will fold to create fantastic finished pieces. If I can find the paper design I made for this one years ago I’ll upload it for you.
TV: Adventure Time, The Life and Times of Tim, It’s always sunny in Philidelphia (this is a must watch), curb your enthusiasm (hilarious), The Wire (it’s about the crack trade, but doesn’t glamourise it or show much gratuitous drug use… quite the opposite - but might not be appropriate), Extras (uk), The Mighty Boosh, Little Britain (if you somehow missed it) and Come Fly With Me (their follow-up), An Idiot Abroad (particularly season 1), Peep Show, anything with Derren Brown, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.
Movies - I always blank when people ask for movie suggestions, and there’s just so many to suggest, so I’ll just list a couple of Japanese movies that I liked and most people probably haven’t heard of: Big Man Japan, Mind Game (trippy anime movie), The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi, Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem (feature-length anime movie comissioned by Daft Punk that plays out to the soundtrack of their album Discovery. It’s almost entirely without dialogue but tells a fantastic story), School Days with a Pig.
This should get you started. Also, if you like reading I’d highly recommend Walter Issacson’s The Innovators which I’ve just finished reading/listening to. It’s basically a history of computers and the internet from the earliest counting machines and Ada Lovelace’s predictions and imaginations of future computing machines all the way to Google. Fascinating and full of insanely captivating anecdotes.
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Origami is what I used to get me through the anxiety ridden, awful days of my divorce. It’s a wonderful way to tune your mind out and learn something cool.
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Heh. Listening to my partner endlessly repeat the same riffs or songs can be infuriatingly annoying, but I’ve never let it get to me simply because I love his passion and commitment and talent.He’s such a good player that it’s beautiful to listen to. Especially since it’s mostly gypsy jazz these days.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression before, but it’s better now, it’s mostly severe anxiety these days that makes me crazy. I have been told by several different doctors that I most likely have Aspergers, but against their recommendations I refused to actually get tested for it and get it properly diagnosed, because I stupidly thought that having something “wrong” with my brain is a bad thing. I thought all my problems were due to bullying (which certainly has been a big part of this mess that is my head). Bu now that I’m older, I’ve stopped fighting it and learned more and realized that Aspergers is exactly what I have. I can’t wait to get it diagnosed, but first I have to get clean.
I’ve been in a music therapy group, and it was so amazing. I miss it. I’m certainly gonna get my boyfriend to play with me something. I’'ll either play bass (because it’s easy to pick up and just jam) or piano, which is the instrument which I really got skills for. I could really become good at it if only I got myself to practice regularly. I hate myself for not being able to do that with anything. I know it’s the depression, but I still should be able to find the energy.
It wasn’t like that at all. The drug I was on is actually the medication that I’ve been prescribed right now. It helps with my anxiety and Aspergers. So I wasn’t all messed up like someone who’s drunk or on some other disrupting drug.
I know I’m a bad player and a bad singer, but the point was that I got the guts to not only practice, but play in front of someone else, which is rare. I think my boyfriend saw it as arrogance, which it wasn’t meant to be. Miscommunication it certainly it was. Its hard to exaplin things like this because no stranger can understand the complicated relations and nuances of other people’s relationships . I don’t know why I even brought up this whole case, honestly, because it’s pretty irrelevant.
All I can say is - try reading the books.Some people shun the series just because it is so popular (not saying that’s your reason, but generally). The books are so much better - there are so many little things and details. And it gets better (and darker) towards the end. Maybe I’m biased because I read the books first when I was just a child, but I just read the whole series a few months ago and I was surprised how good they really are. Sure, Rowling is not the best of writers, but she is a true story-teller. And Rowling is an amazing person, as well - I idolize her, and not just for the books.
Oh god, I so want that program. RPG Maker VX Ace was on sale on Steam recently, it was only something like 24€, but it was sitll too steep for the poor me. It would be a great way to start my game development dreams,
That Unity looks AMAZING. I’s just sad that it doesn’t run on Linux. Luckily my boyfriend’s laptop has Windows, but it would’ve been nice to have it on my own computer, Looking at the site (there’s so much information), I got the impression that I need to know either C# or javascript or Boo (which is apparently also the cutest dog on earth)… Boo is inspired by Python, so maybe I could so something. But thereäs no question that I need to learn more, because I’m still very much a beginner.
I’ve got bookmarked a lot of good Python tutorials, but I’m always up for more.
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Brugs? Or drugs? Yeah, they can be good and they can be bad, it’s very personal and situational. I’ve seen some really ugly shit, but I’ve also had the most amazing experiences with my lovely hippy friends.
If you want to hear my opinion on drugs and their use, I really recommend reading this older post of mine: David Brooks: I enjoyed pot, but you shouldn't - #75 by Raita
Here’s a part of my rant:
I’m a much happier person, now that I’m a daily opiate user. I went through a couple of years long phase of psychedelics, stimulants, dissociatives and weed, but I’ve now mostly settled down with various opiates (with maybe the occasional stimulant), which simply feel the best. I’m actually able to function. I have energy to do things. I feel motivated to study and improve myself. I don’t have pani attacks. I’m not anxious. I can actually be around people and talk to them. I’ve made friends. It’s great. So what’s the problem?
Is it because it’s “cheating”? Sometimes it feels like some people are jealous that drug users are able to feel good, and would rather have us suffer instead. Because it’s “natural”. Well, if it’s natural to be depressed and anxious every living moment because your past was fucked up and you were bullied and raped, then fuck natural. Some people are lucky enough to be able to feel okay. But for us that are hindered by crappy experiences, isn’t it better to cheat so we can be productive members of the society?
Now, it’s worth noting that not every person uses drugs to be able to function, but all do it in order to feel better or do better, in some way. Sometimes the risks certainly outweight the benefits, but most often it’s the other way around - and that should be for the user to decide, anyway.
I think you teapot missed the part where I said I’ve done a little bit of origami (I have written so much in this thread that I’d be amazed if you’d noticed it all). But yes, doing origami is perfect for my hands and my mind. It’s indeed meditative and since I have a very mathematical and do indeed have some GIMP (not hotoshop) skills and a drawing tablet, I could do amazing things. Thanks for the reminded, I’ll try to do something a little more complicated and will show and tell when I do.
Adventure Time I have to watch because BoingBoing as a collective is always going on about it. Always Sunny In Philadelphia is one of my favorite shows! Curb Your Enthusiasm as well. Extras is hilarious (love anything by Ricky Gervais) and An Idiot Abroad I’ve seen as well. Little Britain I don’t care for, but I’ll put all the other suggestions on my list. The Wire is something I’ve been meaning to watch for a long time,I’m sure I’ll love it. Shows about drug trade don’t bother me - Breaking Bad, for example, is amazing. It might cause a little bit of cravings for meth, but it’s not an actual problem.
Thanks for the suggestions. I love Japanese movies, especially anything by Takashi Miike and Satoshi Kon. I’ll admit that I haven’t heard of your suggestions except for Mind Game (which I haven’t seen). So thank you, I’ll put those on the list and check them out.
BB is telling me that I should consider replying to several posters at once, but I’ve already done that and it has resulted in huge walls of test so fuck it, I’m writing this post individually. I’m such a rebel.
It’s day seven. I’ve been clean for a week. This feels unreal. This time it has been so much easier because I got the right medication that also helps me with my anxiety and Aspergers. I still have trouble sleeping and I’m cold all the time. I have no appetite; I don’t think I’ve gotten any more than 300 calories today. The good thing is that my bowel is functioning like a dream.
Not that this is far from over. Ill still be feeling like shit for at least the next week, and after that I’ll be having the mental symptoms (in other words, depression) for months, until my opioid receptors return to normal.
I keep listening to music. Right now, it’s Nick Cave, Gotye, Florence + The Machine, Portishead, Regina Spektor, CocoRosie, Fever Ray and such. I really don’t want to listen to anything psychedelic or prog right now, even though that’s usually my thing.
I’ve been trying to do things I’ve thought about doing, though still most of my time ha been spent on Boing Boing. I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing. I went and bought yarn(/thread?) and the needles, and I also found that I have a crocheting needle. I’m also going to make origami with these beautiful colored paper I have.
Thank you all lovely BoingBoingers for supporting me and giving me ideas and just generaly being someone to talk to. This isn’t over yet, I’ll probably be blabbering here for at least another week about my recovery, but still. Thank you,
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I have a negative recommendation. When you are in a dark space, and anticipate being there for a while, do not read lots of Philip K. Dick and H. P. Lovecraft while listening to The Swans.
One of the few things that completely takes me away from myself are David Attenborough nature documentaries. I happen to own most of them (although not The Private Life of Plants because DVD regions and stupid – I’d also love to find the old “Life on Earth” series as well). There are enough that I can watch them through and generally be okay starting them over again from the beginning. They are always 100% solid: the best camera work available at the time, and narration and structure that doesn’t make you feel like the producer is actively trying to insult you, which is how pretty much all US documentary / TV productions make me feel.
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Keep going. I’m rooting for you.
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A friend turned me on to the older Zatoichi and I thought it was quite fun, although now I have no idea if it was the TV series or the original movies. Probably the former. Beat Takeshi’s version didn’t blow me away, but the rhythm scenes were kind of cool.
Teach them a lesson 
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Me too.
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Me Three.
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Well damn, I have A Scanner Darkly which I have yet to read. It sounds really interesting (especially the drug part, honestly) - why do you think it should not be read when in recovery? I can understand avoiding dark and depressing things, though I’m the melancholic sort of person who actually feels better when I get to read/see/listen to something depressing. It’s kind of like crying - it purges your emotions.
But yeah, I love watching nature documentaries. One of my favorite past times. I recently watched a documentary on prairie dogs and it was great.
Thank you. 
Thank you to you too! 
Thank you, thank you… It’s getting to to the point where I can’t fail.
Oh god, the pressure… I must do this, so many people are rooting for me that it would be just embarrassing to fail now.
But no really, I kid. Thank you for the support. I think I’ll land this plane quite safely.
This is what I keep listening to, for some reason:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwXh8h5jivg
And then I always start and end the day with Let It Go. I think it’s time for me to go to sleep (it’s almost 5am) - I hope I get some sleep!
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That might be one of the ones that’s a good read for the moment. It’s one of PKD’s later books. He wrote it while sober, and it’s an allegory about 1970s California Drug Culture.
I went to the first night of the Bridge School Benefit this year, and Chris Cornell said something awesome during their set. He said that Soundgarden wrote a lot of dour music, but he thought that was ultimately a hopeful thing. He wrote (and still writes) that music to reach out to others who find themselves in the darker places the mind has to offer. To tell them, “I’ve been there too, you are not alone.” I nearly cried when he said that. I’ve spent a lot of time listening to sad songs (quite a few of his in that lot) just to know that I wasn’t the only one, and to be just not alone enough to make it through that day.
Ratel may or may not have a point, it just depends on whether that hopeful strain resonates or not (and it sounds like it probably does), and whether the art was written with that sliver of hope. Reading HP Lovecraft might be a bad idea. PKD’s “A Scanner Darkly”? Probably a good one for where you are.
(And count me amongst the crowd that’s rooting for you. Congrats on the first week.)
It’s not that these things are dark or depressing, rather that they all aggressively attack the boundaries of sanity and reality, which are also fragile in such times.
A Scanner Darkly is probably also one of PKD’s most prosaic books, moreso even than Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, certainly more than Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said, although still a little wobbly. Once you start getting into the pink laser stuff, you’re lost…
There is definitely art which is simply dark and depressing. What little Elliott Smith I’ve heard, for instance. But there is also music which mines darkness and depression, but with a point, such as Soundgarden. I’ve always found Chris Cornell’s assault on depression, but also the fear of loneliness, fascinating. I read an interview with him ages ago where, if I remember correctly, he talked about a point in his youth where he quit selling drugs and moved, leaving his old life and friends completely behind, not making new ones, and was just alone for a year.
There’s probably a sort of person for whom that sounds like unimaginable torture, but it’s something I think maybe I wish I’d done when I was younger (although I’d want to reconnect with my friends after: they’re all truly good people). Many of the things I wish I’d done when I was young I was too afraid to, because I was afraid of “losing” precious time that I’d been assured I’d never get back. And while it’s true that you never get time back, committing yourself to a great project, and dropping all the threads of your daily life are one of the best ways to not waste precious time, while desperately scratching at the edges of a failed routine is. At least for me! YMMV!
Yeah, I think I might just read it soon.
I think I can handle them, because I’m feeling a lot better than people (or I!) would except. The medication I’ve been given helps so much it’s ridiculous, yet it hasn’t even been properly studied for opiate withdrawal. I found this one study, which really tells all: [Pregabalin for the reduction of opiate withdrawal symptoms] - PubMed
That’s really touching and really resonates with me There’s one artist who has always been my “soul-mate” artist (not that I really believe in any sort of actual soul connection or whatever, but the kind of music that into words exactly what I’m feeling), and that’s Brandi Carlile. And when you feel like there’s even one person who has felt what you do, it helps you find strength.
This song, Late Morning Lullaby, has gotten me through so much; as have many of her other songs too, but this is special:
Florence and the Machine also has a profound effect on me; it’s melancholic and dark in an upbeat way. They can make a song about suicide and have it sound encouraging. Gotye and Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds also make good melancholic relatable music.
Speaking of music - why do my my earphones always make my left ear hurt? Just the left one. I have Sennheiser HD 202, which should be fairly good, so I don’t know where the problem is. Maybe my left ear is just weird.
Anyway, I was surprisingly energetic today and pretty much organized my whole bedroom and cleaned the kitchen while I was at it. I get that Asperger’s “focus-on-one-thing-and-do-it-well” obsession; I must’ve spent at least 3-4 hours doing it, probably more. But it was worth it. Here’s what I said about it in the other thread.
Getting off opioids also makes me want to also improve myself and my enviroment. Cleaning is the first step. I’ve been planning to go get a hair cut, because I hate lenght right now - I used to have dreadlocks (I know, very hippy of me) and then I got bored of the style and just shaved my head. I was so afraid of how I’d look like, but I found out that I look great with really short hair. So I have to get that done. Then I need new clothes. I feel like my current clothes don’t really show my personality. I have a gift card to H&M, but aside from that, I’ll be buying my clothes from UFF, which is like the Finnish version of Goodwill.
This is a new start, in so many ways.
I just wish I could get my appetite back, because I’m barely getting 500 calories a day. though at the same time, the borderline-anorexic in me is excited about not having to eat because I’m usually prone to all kinds of goodies. I’m at normal weight right now, but I’ve many times been underweight and probably will be soon (if not already - I don’t have a sccale). It’s sad that I love it.
But good news are that I’ve been able to sleep lately pretty well. Almost normally. I also haven’t been feeling so cold - actually, I feel really hot right now. I’m also pretty certain that I’ve got the flu, because my boyfriend has it and if one of us gets sick, the other one does as well - we just can’t avoid it.
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I hope you’re still hanging in? If not, remember to never quit quitting.
I have never been able to cope with sitting still during withdrawal - going off nicotine was horrible (and didn’t work until the fourth or fifth try, either) but having my body in motion as much as possible really helped with the creepy crawlies. Even if I was just walking in circles in the same room it helped.
Another thing that can help when you’re in physical distress is an electric blanket or a chill pad. I like the former, some folks like the latter, but either way it gives you a low-level stimulus that can help soothe you when you’re ready to jump off your own skeleton.
Good luck!
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Yes I am! It’s been 10 days now, actually. Wohoo! Been feeling better everyday.
Can’t say about nicotine withdrawals (I imagine they’re quite different from opioid ones). Exercise helps, for sure, once you have the energy for it. The first days are just laying on the bed or couch in agony.
I’ve got a Snuggie to keep me warm. I’m cold all the time .
Thanks! 
I really have been craving to do some translation work… I could always translate TED videos, but I want something different too. Maybe I should translate all Pasila epiodes. If anyone knows of anyon e needing English-Finnish (either way) translation, for apps or software or websites or video or anything, please let me know. I want to translate.
I’m gonna translate this song, to ease the worst craving. Ismo Alanko, along with his various bands, is one of the most respected musician here. Like Finnish Lou Reed? I don’t know. But ohh, this song brings back some memories.
Three grams of hashish is my daily dose
A few lines of amphetamine slips in just like that
I’m just gonna go get a few dozen
pints, at the heart of the night I’m so thistry
Too much, just a little too much is my sufficient dose
Too much, just a little too much I need for nourishment
Soon I have to fall unreasonably in love again
Days are brought to a close in the morning, even if there’s no snow
On a sled we go to the Moon, mainstearm crap just doesn’t cut it
Cocaine, LSD, Ecstacy, yeah
Fresh Koskenkorva-vodka always makes a good snack
Too much, just a little too much mushrooms I munch
Too much, just a little too much I calm down with the pills
When every night I fall in love too much
The artist life, me, Meller and Morrison
The artist life, my name will soon make the history books
The artist life, just like Eino, Pena and John
The artist life - history’s yellowed leaves fall down from the tree
And snow covers the ground
Tomorrow I will swiftly have to get my hands on some money
Grant money moves faster than a rock star slouches on
Children’s piggy banks will have to hammered open
Or the highbrow with his pants down will be shitting in a bush
Too much, again I feel the horrible critic distresssing me
Too much, it takes too much from my little soul
Soon I have to fall unreasonably in love again
The artist life, me, Meller and Morrison
The artist life, my name will soon make the history books
The artist life, just like Eino, Pena and John
The artist life - history’s yellowed leaves fall down from the trees
And snow covers the ground
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