You would think given I am a man of little means and a lot of imagination I could just ban out story after story after story til I have this massive backlog of material I can fish through at any moment at the whims of boredom and or vodka.
I have written several dozen short stories, a novel, parts of three other novels, the outline of an entire setting, and I just can’t do anything with any of it.
I’ve not bothered because why bother? It won’t make anything here suck less, I can’t sell because I make /any/money I lose government benefits-
Time for a mini-rant-within-a-rant: Right you want people to feel like shit for being on disability because not working so therefore must be fucking welfare queens living it large on the gibbyment dime… Nevermind business gets a Gargantuan amount of direct subsidy and tax exemption. Naaaww it’s people like me who can maybe work a shit job at best that won’t really make a liveable wage but at the same time would disqualify me from government assistance that’s leeching off Good Hardworking White Christians that is what’s wrong with the country. Look. I want a job. I want to be able to look my parents in the eye and go Yes Sir I have employment. I am worth something. I contribute. Never mind I do a fair bit at home. I basically feel worthless because that’s All I do and it never feels like enough to make it feel like everything isn’t falling apart at the seams. Logically I know my family has a lot of problems I have no ability to solve and nobody outside of group therapy and a willingness as a family to fix those problems can solve any of it… But to just constantly feel like I’m somehow leeching off of people who hold employment as a sign of self worth and then tell me that they’re totally not when they constantly go on about their own work history or how it was back in the good old days when my grandmother worked a factory job? And here I sit doing piddly nothing housework as they supposedly aren’t being insulting or whatever by saying I am spoiled? Then go on and act offended saying how I talk about them like they’re the devil and look how much worse it could be. Maybe so but when my stability directly is dependant on a bunch of unstable people I am going to be rather concerned when it looks like anything beyond the basics is rather low on the priority list. Fine it can be worse, but leading off with that instead of going ‘hey we know resources are thin so how can all of us make things BETTER’ doesn’t feel productive…
It won’t help here with family, and I keep feeling like it’ll get overlooked in the wider world. I just need to do Something though. Trouble is as much as I tell myself it’s because I cannot find an audience? It’s more because of the ‘not fixing what is wrong in my life’ thing that keeps me from doing. I know my family will never see it as something worthwhile to do. Their support for anything is at best lip service and I shouldn’t put any emotional investment in the fact I have no support, but… Well. When nobody shows any interest past the planning stage and more to the point this is literally the only hobby I’m able to actually work with with what tools I have. It all feels hollow.
Then again I need to do something because everything keeps winding me up. My family? Whatever crisis of the minute just gets under my skin. My stepdad makes it a personal hobby to troll me. Everyone telling me to stop being bothered by a guy who’s been doing shit to piss me off since I was four never relenting ad outright behaving as if he’s disgusted by me? Yep. The fact even my attempts at online communities have blown up in my face to the point what passes for friends with me tell me I should quit, making me feel less like they are trying to help and it instead sounding like ‘this is yet another thing you are unfit for.’
Let’s just set aside the fact I really don’t like this place anymore and feel it’s turned into a tumblrina funkhole where unless you either ignore or bow down to the cockmanglers that shout down people going 'hey toning down on the hatorade would be wonderful, you should kinda not shout at people that they are worthless trash when they are agreeing with you. I personally don’t think any of you care. It’s just 4am, my net just came back on, I can’t sleep, and I’m going to regret this in the morning.
Christ on a crutch. It’s hard to focus on ‘I can do this’ when I get not only all that but a constant montage of all of those little moments I have screwed up constantly on loop. Confidence? What’s that? Oh sure I have written. But I hate all of it. I see every flaw, every editing flub, the fact it took me shoving the book at people to get anyone to read… All of that as a nice wet blanket I can’t pick up.
None of this helped by my own life inexperience leaving me to feel wholly unqualified to give anything like a ‘normal’ set of interactions.
This is why I have trouble writing with any consistency.