I found a locked safe hidden at the back of a closet in my new house

[renke]

good point. what about a new crowdfunding campaign to buy @beschizza another closed safe?

[nimelennar]

Naw, that’ll just be repetitive.

Buy it for Mark, or Cory, or Xeni.

[GilbertWham]

Nah. We hire a locksmith to break into his house while he’s out and lock his fucking safe again.

Stretch goal: put all the toothbrushes, the phone chargers and the can opener in there too.

[anon67050589]

@beschizza

He says he “thinks” it’s empty, but that it also has another chamber in it that was locked.

Wait…so he had already opened it, and then closed it again? How did he open it? Why didn’t he open it for you?

So many questions!

[teknocholer]

@beschizza

He says he “thinks” it’s empty, but that it also has another chamber in it that was locked.

It’s so obvious now. How could we have missed it? Gentle mutants, we have been stumbling down the wrong path. @beschizza has been trying to teach us an important lesson for months, and we were too caught up in worldly obsessions to hear it.

Consider the safe: its mysterious introduction into our collective awareness, the endless obstacles and delays placed in the way of discovering its truths, and now the hint that behind the veil is another veil.

The safe is a metaphor. The safe is life, and life is the safe, yet life is not safe. We cannot know its end. To travel hopefully, Rob is telling us, is better than to arrive.

Did Miley get it all along?

Miley Cyrus - The Climb

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.

Gentle mutants, the safe cannot be unlocked by worldly wealth, nor are the contents material. We must look inward for the combination. We must focus the burning lance of our subconscious on the question: what do we want from the safe?.

Find a comfortable, quiet place. Close your eyes Take a deep cleansing breath. Imagine your mind as a closed safe. The safe is full of the desires that control your life: the desire for money and fame, for food and drink, for sex, for knowledge of the contents of the safe. Only by opening the door of your mind, and emptying it of desire, can you be free. That is the lesson of the safe. The door will open when you are ready for it to open.

Until then, gentle mutants, be mindful.

“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”

[Medievalist]

@beschizza

He says he “thinks” it’s empty, but that it also has another chamber in it that was locked.

I don’t know if this is a thing with old safes

It’s not unusual. The (circa 2001) fire safe permanently concreted into one of the old stone walls in my basement has an exterior combination lock, a key, and a locked drawer inside with another key. So you need two keys and a combination to get to my useless old expired passports. (Or an oxygen lance to incinerate them, fire safe be damned.)

Of course the keys are never easily found, and the combination is impossible to remember, so it’s a bad comedy show whenever we need to open it… the interior lock is pretty cheesy, though, as I recall. I could probably pick it easily enough.

[Grey_Devil]

@teknocholer

behind the veil is another veil.

http://giphy.com/gifs/2001-a-space-odyssey-7wniygUiBXUg8

http://giphy.com/gifs/film-stanley-kubrick-2001-a-space-odyssey-Jwh8UeEslTNO8

It’s locked safes all the way down. Forever.

[Medievalist]

[wrecksdart]

@MarkDow

Step up safe interior denialists

[Ryuthrowsstuff]

What’s the value if the doubloons are cursed? I have no interest in uncursed doubloons.

@XantheStone

But what if evil people like me pay him more not to open the safe?

The leading theory seems to be that the safe is full of unfathomable evil. You’d be setting back the cause of evil decades.

@daneel

repeat ad nauseum, which is pretty quick when Billy Joel music is involved

Welcome to most bars and restaurants on Long Island. Nightly.

@beschizza

The prior owner of the house

Is lying to protect all those cursed doubloons.

[anon68952647]

@Ryuthrowsstuff

The leading theory seems to be that the safe is full of unfathomable evil

I doubt the new Wu-Tang album is that bad.

[Ryuthrowsstuff]

I just hope Rob found the right lock smith

[Donald_Petersen]

We’re halfway home already! $201 of $400 raised!

[nemomen]

@beschizza

He says he “thinks” it’s empty, but that it also has another chamber in it that was locked.

A Chamber of Secrets?

[anon17141263]

@beschizza

Since we are actually this ridiculous, I will film the locksmith opening it and everything.

Awe Feck. Does this mean we don’t get the robo-safecrack web-cam version?

Dissapoint!

[Ryuthrowsstuff]

The blood wave riseth!

[beschizza]

I would do that, but it’s almost as expensive as a locksmith ($200 or so for the hardware) and who knows if the safe’s lock is even working after all this time

[Donald_Petersen]

We’d never know until we found out. It would be another way to milk another few potential weeks of internet amusement out of this whole situation.

I mean, it’s looking like mid-three-figures costs will be covered, and we’ve been a rapt audience for nine months without any capital investment by the ringmaster. Time for some showmanship!

[Grey_Devil]

@Donald_Petersen

Time for some showmanship!

Safe-fest? (or Safest). Charge a line of people 5 bucks to have a go at the combination. There will be tiny commemorative safes with useless mystery junk locked inside.

[Tribune]

@beschizza

on vacation BTW but always, always monitoring this thread

Quick someone break in and open the safe