“OK, so, moving on to Supreme Court picks. Who do we have who’s not a rapist, or otherwise morally compromised?”
“I got nothing. Sorry.”
“C’mon, guys, there’s gotta be someone …”
“I guess there’s Kavanaugh. No one was ever able to prove anything.”
“Yeah, but he’s at least a little bit rapey. I mean, look at the guy. He was DKE at Yale, for Christ’s sake. Yale barely even had frats back then. They had to import one just so he could join it and …”
“And?”
“And … well … rape people.”
“I think you’re overreacting. Sure, DKE had a bad reputation, but …”
“… but what? It was just youthful high spirits when they went around chanting ‘No means yes, yes means anal’? You telling me it was just coincidence that the entire frat landed on the Yale sororities’ ‘Do not Date’ list? That the president was suspended for ‘penetration without consent’, which is how they say ‘aggravated rape in the third degree’ up at Yale?”
"After Kavanaugh’s time. Anyway, it was college. Even if he – "
“-- Even if he raped someone, you were going to say?”
“Look, Jack, it’s college. You know how it is. Before all this Title IX nonsense started, boys were just allowed to be boys. And if that meant a little rape from time to time, well, no real harm was done. Why, I myself --”
“I don’t need to hear that right now. I don’t have the time for fond trips down Memory Lane. The fact is, we have a problem, and the problem is that every single candidate we can come up with is either some drooling sex fiend with a history of sexual assault that looks like page 8 of Genghis Khan’s resumé, or they’re mortgaged up to their eyeballs to the Mob. Or they’re a coke addict, a full-on goose-stepping Sieg-Heiling Nazi, or a total psycho. Or three or more of the above. Kavanaugh is our least bad option, but we have to figure out how to spin it when the inevitable happens, and some broad comes out of the woodwork to say he had his hand down her pants for half the Reagan presidency.”
“Can’t we just do the usual? Deny everything, smear the witnesses, then change the subject? It worked with the president, and he makes Kavanaugh look like a fucking choirboy. Anyway, who gives a fuck? Sure, the Dems will scream and make a fuss, but we ram it through before the midterms and it’s a done deal. Afterward, they’re stuck with him. Hell, so long as we hold onto our majority, we could nominate John Wayne Gacy and the Dems would just have to eat shit and accept it.”
" Fine. Kavanaugh it is. Tell the president we’ve got a live one. And throw the rest of the CVs back on the pile. If Breyer or Ginsburg tap out before the whole house of cards falls apart, we’ll get a chance to nominate another – assuming we can find anyone on the shortlist who doesn’t have an actual conviction for unlawful carnal knowledge of pre-pubescent Girl Scouts or corn-holing Shetland ponies on prime-time TV. Which, I have to say, is looking pretty unlikely, but I live in hope."