LA Animal Control department issues first ever license for pet unicorn ownership

Originally published at: LA Animal Control department issues first ever license for pet unicorn ownership | Boing Boing


Marcia Mayeda: kickass bureaucrat.


Is it named Eric?


At last, a genuinely wonderful thing. No need for a unicorn chaser. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


Oh dear, where will it end? Marcia Mayeda may have opened a can of proverbial worms here.

Before you know it she’ll be asked for licences for griffins, phoenix (phoenices?) and basilisks, mark my words.


Maybe, maybe not. She seemed to be granting the request, but the fine print includes conditions that would be very difficult to meet. How is someone in Los Angeles supposed to provide regular exposure to rainbows? Do artificial prism-based rainbows count, and are they a healthy substitute for the real thing? Not to mention that watermelon is hard to find year-round.


“Yes Madeline there is a unicorn” bumps “Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus” down a notch.


Out in the unicorn feedlots they get 10 minutes with an RGB LED cluster once a week. You don’t get the best glitter from feedlot unicorns, most of it is industrial grade and gets ground down to provide pearlescence for shampoo and conditioner products; but they manage.


But what they don’t tell you about unicorn feedlots is that they have no room to frolic and gambol, and- their horns are ground down to prevent injury to other unicorns - inevitable when they are kept in such close proximity.

(Indeed, it has long been suspected, but not proven, that some unscrupulous feedlot owners will excessively grind the horns, and sell the resulting horn dust to certain foreign countries where it is highly prized as a substance able to induce hypnotic powers in those who consume it. Well, it explains Xi-bear’s ability to put the whole of China under his evil spell.)


Sunset Shimmer approves!


And with CRISPR, there’s a non-zero chance that some of those may end up existing, which may make the licenses more than novelty items!


I see this as a licence to provide on-premises housing (tiny adorable home?) to anyone who presents as a unicorn.

(Must love watermelon).

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I thought unicorns were still classified as an invasive species in L.A. County since they’ve all but wiped out the native chupacabra.


Step 1: Get the LA Animal control department to issue you a pet unicorn permit as a cute “jokey” gift to a child who is a bit obsessed with unicorns.

Step 2: Continue the incredibly cruel and twisted science experiment of crossing a norwhal and a donkey.

Step 3: Find out norwhals “horn” is basically a tooth. Finally understand why all the donkey norwhals looked like eldritch horrors.

Step 4: Give up on being an evil genius and go back to just being an @sshole genius.

Step 5: Realize you aren’t even that smart and are just an dumbass.

Step 6: Become a life coach.


Step 2: affix horns to all the ponies in Griffith park in order to keep the pony ride open?

(For those that are unaware, the city recently revoked the license for the operators of the famous Griffith Park pony rides after 74 years of operation. It had to do with pressure from animal rights protesters, despite the fact that the outside expert hired by the city to check in on it basically gave the business a clean bill of health and said that the ponies were well treated.)


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