Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2019/08/27/not-going-to-burning-man-this.html
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A friend who doesn’t mind clouds of stifling dust.
Or perhaps an enemy who objects strenuously to clouds of stifling dust.
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Hunter S. Thompson. It would be showing him that which he had wroth with his Gonzo Journalism.
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I melt in temperatures higher than 75 so this webcast is phenomenal. I’m intrigued by the event, but am not quite piqued enough to actually commit to doing and enduring all the things required of attending. Glad I can watch comfortably!
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Donald Trump.
Wait, when do we get to burn him?
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Awwww too bad
“Humano the Tribe offered accommodations up to $100,000, and Burning Man attendees complained that the camp’s portable toilets burst into flames last year.”
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Another great method for keeping FOMO at bay is to remember that, whatever else I’m doing, at least I’m not sweating or shivering my ass off in the desert smelling like ass and pissing in bottles during a white out dust storm.
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How bad do you have to be at plumbing before your toilets spontaneously combust?
Are we sure people annoyed at the rich and obnoxious tourists didn’t torch them? Or was this on the last day and was how the group interpreted the “leave no trace” rule?
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Only 89 degrees? I should be there. It’s more like 109 in Tucson these days.
But those days are over. It was better back then.
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I’ve always wanted to check out Burning Man but the timing makes it impossible for anyone who attends or works at an educational institution to go. Oh well, maybe a sabbatical year or something.
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How I keep the Burning Man FOMO at bay. Great question, Rusty, great question. I hope that I can adequately answer this.
- Well to start, I turn off the A/C.
- Then I go next door and barter with my neighbor – I’ve got the weed, they’ve got the food! We make a pretty great team!
- Then I drop acid. Maybe, this time, 400 mcg of my favorite Subgenius blotter (the kind you get when you buy the Subgenius Starter / Ordination kit, for only $35 online! A whole sheet and a Bob Dobbs bumpersticker).
- When the acid is coming up, I get naked, grab some vaseline, a bucket of glitter, maybe some foil mylar streamers, head out to the back yard and I just do what comes naturally. Performance art.
- Then I wander next door, naked and coated in vaseline and glitter, to the Alien Poetry Chill-out tent.
- Oh shit, no that’s the neighbor’s living room! I forgot I was high!
- Next I enjoy the “Law Enforcement” mime troop. Their police uniforms look so realistic! That’s what I love about the 'Man, the fine detail and craftsmanship they put into their art.
- At this point I become seriously overwhelmed – turns out this Subgenius is some bunk acid! I just need to get out in nature, so I run down the street climb some fences, and hide in a blackberry thicket, curl into a fetal position, and suck my thumb for a few hours.
- The sound of sirens dies down as the afternoon sun grows long, and I emerge, a NEW MAN. A new, greasy, and fabulously glittery 49 year old naked man with a severely scratched up dad bod.
- I’ve got some hummus, but I’m not hungry yet. I’ll eat that later when the acid is out of my system. No wait, I’ll spread it on my sunburnt pubes. Ahhh spreads smoothly with a cool, beany texture. This one is roasted garlic!
- As the sun sets and the sky blackens into night, I think what could possibly top this grand day? Of course! A burning of some kind!!!
- After I spray paint a man’s face on my neighbor’s Honda Accord, I douse it in gasoline and set it alight, and then run around and around.
- I fall into a deep, exhausted, and yet totally rejuvenating sleep.
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FOMO = Former Mormon. I iz confuse.
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If I wanted to do drugs in the desert I’d go to Defcon 
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Different FOMO (fear of missing out)
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I am also running the FOMO channel on a side monitor at work. Grabbed a screen shot earlier of the big shark car and a little flying saucer queued up at DMV and had to send it to my manager, who’s been fascinated with the feed.
There is a group of us up here in our little Oregon town that are meeting up burn night for a drink at a place with a nice outside deck facing west. We will howl at the setting sun and raise a toast to next year.
PS
Still have my Rusty Gift! Alas I missed you last year when you stopped by our camp (8:30 and B or so) and dropped it off! Some day I’ll run into the elusive Blazenhoff…
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One of my teacher friends would “call in stoned” and spend the weekend there.
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Who would you bring to Burning Man who’s never been? If you could. And why?
I would take the Ancient One and Astally Project myself there. I don’t do extreme heat and temporary sanitation. I hope that everyone has a good time, all the time.
Around here we have Freezing Man in the winter. We make a giant effigy out of snow (actually just the pile from shoveling the walk) and wait for it to slowly melt in the spring. Then we just gorge on hot chocolate and peppermint stick ice cream until we pass out.
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Anticipate breathless, transcendentally soaring mystical meditations brimming with superlatives regarding the transformative experiences and epiphanies of Burning Man’s unfathomable awesomeness here on BoingBoing in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 …
(yawn)
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