Sacred Seltzer is a new booze made with blessed Holy Water

Originally published at: Sacred Seltzer is a new booze made with blessed Holy Water | Boing Boing

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“Blessed according to the official Catholic procedure on March 31, 2022 in LA County, CA.”

If it was not done by a Priest, I assure you it was not the ‘official Catholic procedure.’

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Warning! Contents might be harmful to vampyrs and demonic creatures.

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So, water then.

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I find this all dubious to the extreme. I’m not Catholic, but have some friends who are, and it’s pretty well known that all elements of communion are watched VERY closely.

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While this isn’t communion – no Priest would bless water to be used like this. I assume someone just said the same prayer that a Priest would have said. But for anyone who actual cares about the validity of the blessing, it’s as utterly meaningless as Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy.

Season 4 Episode 6 GIF by The Office

You’re right, I got communion and holy water confused. I admit that I’m not well-versed in what materials are used in what rituals…

I guess it’s tangentially related, but I DO know Priests and a lot of parishioners are careful to watch and make sure no bread is “misplaced” during the Eucharist. I couldn’t believe the furor on the catholic subreddit when someone posted a picture of a wafer sitting on the ground in the parking lot outside of the church. Really interesting to me.

Putting the “spirit” in “the spirit of things” since 2022.

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Good luck getting some crackers to munch on with your seltzer.

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I think why Catholics get enraged at this isn’t, ultimately, that God can’t deal with the insult but that anyone who could go to the trouble of desecrating the eucharist is doing so with the specific intent of insulting Catholics. And more than that, the intended insult is so utterly banal – ha ha, it’s just bread! – and the intention so calculated to piss people off as the eucharist is the indispensable center of the Faith, we Irish Catholics, at least, are bound to get a little fighty about it.

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Those are available for all comers.

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I had a non-Catholic friend long ago who was smoking in the foyer of a church (or whatever it’s called) and was asked to put it out. She was like “Oh, I’m so sorry!” and put it out in the holy water bowl. :grimacing:

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The Bible was the go-to for rolling papers when we ran out…so thin. Way better than the phone book.

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I got this - One would approach a local priest with a reasonable quantity of water (say twenty 5 litre containers purchased in your local Lidl) and ask the priest to bless it under the ruse that you want the holy water to wash your windows, car, horse, body-part or whatever.

No priest would refuse such a request, particularly if given a holy offering of a pack of Major cigarettes or a naggin of Powers whiskey.

Then, you would dilute your holy liquid bounty with the local water source at your seltzer manufacturing facility discreetly located under some rust corrugated steel sheet in a bog up a nearby mountain.

In the interest of truth (truth being a virtue esteemed by the Catholic church) you should probably disclose the m̶o̶r̶a̶l̶i̶t̶y̶ molarity of the sacredness in your seltzer, however this information can be tucked away in a vault in the Vatican where no one ever is likely to see it.

The last thing you have to do is kick back a percentage of your pre-tax turnover to your local parish, go to confession and ask for a general absolution and it’s all good.

When I was in college I spent a summer working as a baggage handler in Dublin airport. At that time there were chartered pilgrimage flights to Lourdes and other similar destinations. On outbound flights we used to fill the baggage hold with crutches and wheelchairs and on the return flights we would offload dozens and dozens of 20 litre plastic water containers filled with holy water. Tons of the stuff. In an aeroplane! It was around this time I began work on my Theory of Holy Water Molarity. Molarity, not Morality.

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Straight up with a twist :wink:

Wait, so we’re they all healed during the pilgrimage so when they came back they didn’t need the crutches and wheelchairs?!?

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When I was an altar boy oh so many years ago, we would steal sleeves of the wafers from the sacristy and snack on them but, if they were blessed and in the tabernacle, nope, no way would we touch them. I really didn’t want to burn in hell.

I really doubt this was blessed by any real priest but even if they got a real priest to bless it and paid that priest I would question the validity of the blessing because it was done with bad intent. I’m sure Jesus does not want priests to make money off his religion.

Oh wait, that’s exactly what the Catholic church does, against Jesus’ true teaching of course but they still do it.

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Yup. There were definitely fewer crutches and wheelchairs on the way back.

I wouldn’t say they were healed exactly. I put it down to some sunshine and continental food and a bit of adventure giving them a new (perhaps only temporary) lease on life.

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Well, Jesus had set a precedent what with the water into wine trick. Just sayin’…

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If it is made from Catholic style Holy Water than it cannot be sold. Doing so is the sin of simony. I would guess that because of this is would lose any spiritual properties when sold.

if you put just a drop in then it’s homeopathic too!

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