I will just, then, register my strenuous disagreement with this interpretation of ‘blame.’ Not doing X is a mistake sure enough, but we all make mistakes all the time. Some level of being mistaken is expected and normal. One need not be perfect for sympathy and kindness to apply to you, and if Y is a crime, the person responsible is always the criminal.
It’s like @Melizmatic’s example below: she ought to have checked the keys, but heavens know we’ve all screwed up that one in our lives and the person at fault for the misfortune is the person who chose to be a thief.
My point is really that “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” are essentially useless; much like the emotion of regret, they do nothing to help resolve the actual problem.
They do not. Agreed. Indeed, harping about ‘double checking locks’ to you would be rude and not particularly useful. You are unlikely to be burned that way twice and hammering on it just serves to annoy you.
However, suggesting that people in general double-check their locks, hoping to lower the odds of that particular misfortune happening to others is a good idea.
So it is with my previous point: Suggesting before the fact that people should be firm in setting boundaries with their partners may reduce the incidence of boundary pushing as people who are inclined to be such are unable to hide (legally or in front of their guilty consciences) behind conveniently blurred lines. Likewise, suggesting that people in toxic relationships leave them as soon as possible is a good idea before the fact. This is not blaming those who do not because, again, we’ve all made those mistakes and we’ve no right, even if we were so inclined, to make any demands for perfect conduct.
Making those suggestions before anything happens is, I think, sound advice, and making them after is, while still not blaming the wrong party, rude. It’s late for shoulda woulda coulda, and it is time for support, care, and where it can be arranged, retribution against the only person to whom blame can actually accrue: to the bastard who decided to ignore the humanity of others.
This.
We all already know what we “should” do. Listing these actions again and again as if they’re something new is unhelpful. We already know good lord do we ever know all the things we’re supposed to do to avoid assault. That list is endless and booooooring. And we know it doesnt work.
But embarking on conversations about the grey areas, attempting to educate everyone about these grey area and change the culture and attempt a gentle reeducation of everyone, now that is something I can get behind 100%.
