The book we've all been waiting for: "As you have forsaken Jeb," by Barbara Bush


#1

[Read the post]


#2

Jeb’s target audience of “barely got a pulse” Americans let him down, don’t blame me.


#3

Can I get a barley pop to go with that?

ETA: Hey, no fair, your edit killed my funny! :rage:


#4

You mean “oatmeal pop”?

Got it!


#5

Let’s just be happy that Bar hasn’t populated her fetid womb with the vile spawn of Dick Cheney.


#6

Darth Cheney communes with the nonliving only…


#7

ok the design of that book cover is just too busy. I was reading it and then I lost track of where it was going, so anyway - is Barbara Bush an albino? Her eyes seem pinkish.


#8

Um, I’m pretty sure the photo has been intentionally altered so as to convey a sense of red-eyed demonic possession. (In reality, she’s also probably powerful enough to suppress any evidence of ever having applied her lipstick improperly, too.)

Nancy Reagan hasn’t been helping out in anyone’s campaign, has she? Now there’s some really freaky voodoo.


#9

Well, I’m applauding.


#10

They don’t have a son named Harold?

Pity!


#11

I believe that is her lizard showing through.


#12

David Malki of Wondermark composed a poem only using text from Jeb’s own fundraising emails:

A Letter To My Friend

Friend — Did you see
I’m asking you personally
I’m going to be blunt
I need you.
before I step on stage tonight
I need your help
this can’t wait.

Friend
One thing you should know
This is the most important week
Poll after poll shows us top three
I’m putting my faith in you to help me pull this out
The bad news is
If we don’t raise more than $100,000
in the next 24 hours,
it’ll be a big setback for us.
That can’t happen.

It’s clear the momentum is on our side
but without your support
it won’t mean anything.
I need to be able to count on you, Friend.

So I’m asking you, Friend. Can you help us win this thing
Help us hit this goal
Chip in $10, $5, or $3, or whatever you can afford
a gift of just $1
Your gift of just $1
Please rush just $1
Will you chip in just $1
before tonight’s debate
before I step on stage
just $1 to show you’re with me
to show you have my back?

Friend — quickly
if you don’t step up right now
we won’t have
a greater tomorrow
a new kind of leader
to beat Hillary Clinton
to take on Donald Trump.
I’m asking you directly to step up
The clock is ticking.
So you have to act now:
Every dollar counts.

Friend — What’s wrong?
Jeb emailed you this morning
and thousands have stepped up
but you haven’t.

Friend — the good news is,
This is a long road
knowing he has supporters
keeps him going
he is the only candidate
who can unleash
the potential that dwells within our citizens
to break free to daylight
With your help, we can win.

I know Jeb
He didn’t say it, but
He’s putting his faith in you
please don’t let him down
he needs your help to bring it home.
We can’t do this without you, Friend.
Jeb needs you.
Please, rush a gift of just $1 to help Jeb.

Friend, I’m asking you
Did you see Mom’s note?
I email you a lot,
but this is the email I need your response to the most,
Friend.

Friend, can I count on you
at the most critical moment
Every day we delay
our competitors gain on us
They came for us tonight
Donald Trump came for us tonight
Everything we’ve worked for
is at stake.

Friend — I know it’s late, but I needed to reach out.
I’m emailing you first
as one of our most loyal supporters
We only have a few hours left to turn this around
We have to capitalize on this right away.
the next 24 hours are absolutely critical.
our window of opportunity on this is already closing.

I’ve asked my staff to personally send me the name
of every supporter who steps up
This is our campaign’s moment of need, Friend
I’m getting my first update from the staff
in 6 hours,
and if I don’t see your name,
I’m going to start to worry.
Can I count on you, Friend?
I’m counting on you, Friend
You’ve been with me from the start

Friend — I had to reach out quickly.
We’re about to send Jeb his first update
and you haven’t stepped up yet.
He’s counting on you, Friend.
All it takes is a gift of just $1
We want your name to be on this update,
but you need to hurry,
we can’t wait to send much longer.

Friend —Are you there?
Today, Jeb turns 63
I want to surprise him with a card
Will you wish him a Happy Birthday
by signing his card right now?
take a minute right now and sign his card.
We’re going to show him this card while we’re on the trail
I hope your name will be on it.

Dad’s counting on you, Friend.
Dad’s birthday is today and you still haven’t signed his card.
It won’t take more than a few seconds
so wish him a happy birthday
right now.

I’m on the road with Dad,
and he just asked for an update
on everyone

I was about to show him your name
but according to the report, you haven’t given yet.
This has to be a mistake,
Friend.

Friend — Last night was an important step
I’m pumped.
Stepping off that stage last night, I felt great.
We won last night
I don’t need the pundits to say it.

The time for waiting is over, Friend.
Tomorrow, the race takes an important turn.
the fight is far from over
the real fight begins now
This race is just getting started.
Now:
we will shock the world
and beyond.
But
If we don’t raise $250,000 in the next 48 hours, we put it all at risk.


#13

Grooming Neil Bush? I’m pretty sure he’s over 18 now.


#14

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