There are at least 25 different ways to make Totino's Pizza Rolls

Originally published at: There are at least 25 different ways to make Totino's Pizza Rolls | Boing Boing


To be fair they don’t appear to be suggesting that they can replace cheese with sawdust or anything crazy - more that if the specific cheese they use isn’t available then they can buy a slightly different but very similar cheese.


“they found 25 different recipes to lead to essentially the same result”

So mote it be!



I thought there were going to be 25 different ways for me to make pizza rolls.

I only have two ways, oven and air fryer. I was excited there for a second.


Replace the food starch, Arch.
Find another cheese, Louise.
Make with the mystery meat, Pete.
No need to re-heat…


Well, you know what that means… time to invent some!
Let’s see…

  1. Boil 'em in sauce, serve over noodles!
  2. Cook 'em in tomato soup or ministrone, like dumplings!
  3. Layer 'em in a baking dish with sauce, cheese, etc. Pizza roll lasagna!
  4. Add 'em to a frozen pizza!
  5. Put 'em in a bun, with sauce & cheese!

Or you could just make a Poor Man’s Pizza:
Get a can of biscuits, some ketchup, weenies, & cheese whiz…


One thing I noticed about the Totino’s brand is that several of their products recently specifically note they are made in Canada now (not these pizza rolls, which I had never seen before I moved to the US). Makes me think there’s more cross-border product replacing going on here, too.

It’s mind-boggling to think about the amount of planning that has to go into national brands making sure their products stay on shelves everywhere. Especially considering how many of the components needed need to be grown/raised/cultivated, often months in advance!




Aren’t they really little calzones? Be honest!


“Send me an email if you want a pizza roll…”

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Don’t you mean you were excited for a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, twentieth, twenty-first, twenty-second, twenty-third, twenty-fourth, and twenty-fifth?


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… different sauces to dip them in?

… different, like, veggies to eat them with?

( i.e. what @vernonbird said )

I’m not sure if they don’t like one of my plugins, but I’m unable to read the linked article. If I refersh I’m able to scroll down and see text, but once the page finishes loading it snaps back to a bifurcated display with the headline on the left and a photo on the right and doesn’t give me any option or indication on what they’d like me to do to view it.

I see nothing even remotely horrifying about this. Heck, most good recipes suggest substitutions for difficult to find ingredients. Foodstuffs are quite rarely so unique that they cannot possibly be replaced with something similar. That’s just not how cooking works.

You know what ingredient swapping is horrifying?

When you see that plate of cupcakes your wife, who loves you very much, just baked and put those sprinkles on top you really like and then…

You take a bite and she replaced the oil with apple sauce to try and keep you healthy.

And then because you love her…

They are delicious.


Well, that also explains why it’s been difficult to find the pizzas as well…

came here for the snl totino’s skits, was not disappointed

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Once, when my brother and I were home for a snow day, we made sugar cookies that called for lemon zest. We had no lemons, so did the next best thing, grapefruit zest. Our dad ate them.


I would have just skipped the zest all together. Sugar cookies are just fine without the added flavoring.