This discussion concerns the Republican "debate" happening tonight


#1

Got home tonight and discovered that the sewer line had backed up enough to glaze my basement in a wash of feces (hey, there’s yesterday’s turd!), now-shredded toilet paper, and detritus that I’m not willing to identify. In a feeble attempt to make dinner while cleaning up the Santorum-ish delight downstairs, I turned a delicious chicken pot pie into a charcoal’d molten heap that billowed smoke throughout the house (it does cover the smell of the actual shit, so there’s that), and because I could not find the godamn bottle opener, I had to settle with pushing the cork into the wine bottle.

All of which is to say that I’ve now been adequately enraged prepared to face the 9pm fucktard GOP debate. Anybody interested?

yeah didn’t think so

EDIT: Here’s a Lifehacker guide to watching this nonsense.


#2

Wait, let me just huff this can of butane to kill half my brain cells first, be right there.


#3

Rubio: We need more plumbers, less philosophers.

Oh god why am I doing this.


#4

I am completely done with them. Even as car crash TV they’re boring.

Anyway, aren’t some people supposed to be dropping out at some stage?


#5

Trump: The wages are too damn high.


#6

Yes, me. Gonna hammer this bottle and sweet jeebus have a dance in some basement feces.

Noooope, wait, Kasich said “thrice”. I can’t leave–that’s thrilling.


#7

Jebby: “Full expensing of investing” with regard to taxes. What the fuck?

Wait, wait…do we have an Aussie journalist librul scum asking questions?

Rand began talking about quantitative easing and the feed is suddenly buffering. Go figure.


#8

Okay, I cracked.

Until I heard the first 5s of Rand Paul’s stupid answer. That’s me done.


#9

Not worth getting my blood pressure up over it. I am gonna watch Only Connect which is much more fun.


#10

AHA, oh Cruz you fucken wacko. He pauses for the big applause…w…h…i…c…h does not come. Calls amnesty “offensive”, fails, retreats to the tired knock on journalists.

Fiorina: “businesses have to bulk up to deal with big government.” Yeah. Um. That’s great, Carly.


#11

Rand gets the best line of the night, after Trump talked shit about China and the TPP: “Uh, China’s not involved in the TPP”.

Rand is playing the foil to everyone tonight, especially on the boring budget stuff.


#12

Good idea. I’ll let the pundits spoonfeed it to me tomorrow. Thanks Trevor Noah!

Seriously, it’s like the sun, it’s unhealthy to look directly at it.


#13

How do we defeat Islamic Jihadists?

Carson: First, pyramids and Joseph, and really good paintings with Jeebus’ hand on your shoulder. Second, we have to make Islamic Jihadists look like losers.

Trump: Me and Putin were “stablemates” on 60 minutes. Trump’s applause is gone and he’s getting booed–I bet he drops like a rock after this debate.

There’s an interesting delineation developing between (Trump, Fiorina, Rubio, and Cruz) and the rest (Jebby, Paul, Kasich(?)) about military spending–the first group keeps leaning into the mic to yell about having the greatest military in the world despite the cost whereas Paul et. al. are pushing back on the cost alone.


#14

I want the Trump train to carry on a lot longer, only to derail as close as possible to election day.


#15

I just discovered the best GIF ever:


#16

Frankly, I’d prefer to have the spotlight on his lunacy rather than having to hear another stupid-ass Carson story about how he went all stabby on the postman or whatever.


#17

That’s what’s maddening. They have so much money they can burn through four, five, six debates and not drop out, because they are sitting on these huge piles of cash.


#18

I think we can all conclude from this debate that the GOP thinks philosophers are the worst human beings ever besides Muslims.


#19

Carson: Westmoreland basically asked for sex. And scholarships. And the Dodgers may have drafted me in '66. Political correctness is bringing down America.

Kasich: These other people are idiots and I was a banker. Then I did budget stuff–it was great. Come to Ohio and let’s all frack together. Thanks for letting me on the stage.

Rubio: [drinks water] Military? Ain’t got enough of it–let’s [drinks water] let’s make it really big and fuck anyone up who looks funny at us.

Paul: You’re not spending shit, Rubio, and I won’t either. Thank you and goodnight.

Fiorina: The gov’t is corrupt and we need to bulk up. Let’s all drink protein powder and I’ll whup HRC in any jello cage match she cares to put together.

Trump: [boooo] I’ll make 'merica great again. Fiorina, shut the fuck up. [boooo] Let me tell you, I once kissed Putin on the lips, a lovely lovely man, and then Morely Safer took us both to a yuje Applebees. I’ll make 'merica great again.

Cruz: Amnesty? Listen here illegal amigos, I’m coming for your asses because you offend me. Gonna kick your frijoles negros right the fuck outta here.

Bush: Is this thing on? Wait, Trump didn’t let me…no, I’m gonna get my four minutes this time. Well, you had your time and…uh…what was the question?

I spilled the wine and the bottle’s empty. Well that’s a fucken lie I drank it okay? Hey, who likes mopping feces? Yeah? Yeah?!? No. Thanks for playing, everybody, and I’d like you to know that I’d get completely crushed in an election against HRC. Vote ibogaine!


#20

Thanks for taking one for the team.

I hope you didn’t barf too much cleaning the basement. Also, call whomever maintains the sewers in your town, there could be a blockage in the main pipe in the street (unless it rained like crazy a few hours before you got home because that’s a different problem.)